#firstpostinalongtime

I used to think that my virginity was meant to only be given to my future husband and sexual intercourse was only to be done after marriage. I guess that belief of mine went down the drain. When you think that he is the one, but in the end, you are just another notch on his belt.. 

Nothing else could be done, my relationship was over and I could never take back my virginity. I was broken, spiritually and emotionally broken. After that, I fell deeper into the sin of lust. I began to have a habit of masturbation and even indulged myself with pornography. 

When the time came to face God, I was ashamed. How could God ever accept a daughter like me? I felt unworthy of being called a child of God and felt so ashamed that i distanced myself from him. I saw myself as an unworthy servant to a Mighty King who continually show me mercy time and again but I didn’t deserve it. So I relied on my own efforts to solve all my problems without offering them up to God, that I could do it on my own. 

My continuous struggle with masturbation was real. and I felt really disgusted with myself I was tired of falling into it after going to confession about it several times. Yet, I could not seem to stop. I suddenly thought of why I was turning to the sin of lust ever so often and realised that I wanted something more and I yearned to have my heart whole again.

I was blessed to have my best friend beside me. She got me to go for the Combined University Retreat (CUR) hosted by the Office for Young People (OYP) an organisation that reaches out to the catholic youths in Singapore. It was then that I had encountered God several times during the retreat. There had been two encounters that had the most impact on me.

The first encounter was during the first pray over when we individually went over to facilitators who would pray over us. The words spoken to me through the facilitator were: “Angela, God wants you to claim the promise he made you. He says that he will always be there for you and will carry you from now on. He promises to always be there for you and will never forsake you. He tells you not to be afraid.”. 

Moved by these words, I broke down. Knowing that God wanted me to go to him despite everything that I have done to betray him, he still wants me to be a  part of him, to go back to him as his daughter and his princess. Since I was left wanting to reconcile with him, I opened up my heart and let God in. 

We were introduced to the “lies of the world” during one of the sessions. Those lies were pretty much all the times when I told myself that I am not worthy to be loved, that I wasn’t good enough to let anyone love me anymore. That I was not loved by God. I disposed of all these lies in my mind and heart, the lies that made me feel inferior and useless. I decided to let God touch my heart. 

And so my next encounter with him was during the second prayer ministry. Where I had to lovely facilitators praying over me. Through them, I heard God’s message to me once more; that God claimed me as his daughter and his princess, that my dignity and everything that I have lost will be restored.