My Journey with God

After reading John 21:1-14 I realised how similar I was to Simon Peter. In the sense that I returned to the way I lived before encountering the Lord when Simon Peter said: "I am going fishing" after I lost sight of Christ even though I have encountered him before.

I think signing up as service team for Treasure 13 was one of the ways that Jesus was drawing me closer to him. If not for spiritual prep and the words and readings used, and the need to go for reconciliation, I don't think I would have moved from my spiritual blindness.

During the sacrament of reconciliation, the priest did advice me to be more aware of my habitual sins and in my actions. He did say it will not be easy and that the temptation to sin would be much greater. But I guess that's all the more why I have to rely on God's grace everyday. He did urge me not to give up. Which gave me a new sense of strength.

I used to think that I don't see God's hand in my day-to-day dealings, but now i'm actively acknowledging or taking notice of the small blessings that he has given me.

When I was shown my role as a female facilitator for the retreat, I immediately panicked. I thought to myself "I've never been a facil before." but later did I realised through talking to my friend that I've actually facilitated at Confirmation Camp many years back and came to realise that being a facilitator for a group of working adults would be much easier as compared to a group of teenagers (whom tend to misbehave).

The conversion of Saul.

Saul (or Paul) experienced some dramatic events that converted him from a persecutor of Christians to a believer in Jesus Christ. He had a powerful experience of the risen Christ during which he was blinded. His physical blindness is symbolic of his previous spiritual blindness.

For three days, Paul was practically lifeless. Not seeing, not eating, not drinking. This period reminds us of Jesus’ three days in the tomb. In many ways, going through a conversion is like dying - dying to old ways of thinking and acting. But after three days, Paul’s blindness was lifted, and he was filled with the Holy Spirit, as other Apostles were at Pentecost.

No longer a persecutor of Christians, Paul was a new person. He now felt compelled to learn more about Jesus and to share the Good News with other people. Paul’s conversion told the early Christians that even the most hard-hearted person can be called by God and be radically changed.

Reflection:

Have you ever been suddenly aware of God’s presence and calling in your life?

Background:

I have been struggling with the habitual sin of masturbation after my last breakup which was nearly 4 years ago. My previous relationship may have started out with efforts to keep God at the centre of my relationship. But it slowly fell apart. God was slowly being removed from it as we fell into the sin of lust.

I had my first sexual intercourse with my boyfriend then. So much for saving my virginity for marriage.. I gave in to the pressure.. thinking that he was the one for me. I’ve always seemed to be that “good Catholic girl” all those years before. When I still spent my every Sunday or weekends at church singing in the choir and praising God.

That soon changed as I began working as a full-time hotel receptionist as well as studying part-time. I was busy with work, studies and my relationship that I found no time for God. No time to pray. I often relied on my own efforts to get through. I still am doing it till this day. One and a half years is not a short period of time, but long enough to develop a bad habit.

Today:

Despite having changed jobs, going for retreats and confessions. I still struggle with the sin of lust. The sin of masturbation. I always thought that I wasn’t hurting anyone when I fell into the sinful act time and again.

I am aware of why I constantly fall into this temptation. After being revealed the truths during my encounters with God at the retreats I went to, I am still unable to accept God’s love for me. I keep looking for love in the wrong places.

I always had the desire to be touched, embraced and to be safely held by someone (to be loved). I always have been and still am envious of couples. Being in a relationship is something I crave for. But I know deep down that I am not ready to be in one.

I can’t even let God love me and love myself. So how can I be in a relationship and love another?

Back to the reflection question:

One of my friends had opened up about his struggles with the sin of lust for the longest time (years). This has affected his marriage as his wife caught him. This caused his relationship to be at risk of breaking apart.

This was God’s way of slapping me awake to say: “ if you continue down this path you are taking, you are hurting your future partner.” I immediately froze when everything made sense. Because if I am going to continue to indulge in the sin of masturbation, it will soon become a habit that will be difficult to get rid of, which will hurt your loved one in future. Because it’s not being faithful to the one you love.

So yes, I am suddenly made aware of God’s presence and calling in my life. And what calling would that be?

Another one of my friends have been facing things alone. Her mom’s health is not doing well, and talks about her passing have risen. I felt the need to reach out to her and be there for her. I find the need to pray for her and her family, in turn I have encouraged her to turn to God for comfort.

Difficult as it is, it is an invitation to die to my sin of masturbation. To die to old ways of thinking and acting. To be a light of Christ to others; In light of supporting my friends in need, I need to keep them in prayer and encourage them to turn to the Lord with the truths I’ve been revealed through my encounters with God.

How will I respond?

It’s not going to be easy, but I will start by saying this prayer:

Dear Jesus, following you is an unending journey which we must turn our back to sin and focus on living out Christ’s message. Sometimes it is an easy journey, sometimes it is a struggle. Help me to find your light in the Scriptures, in others, and within myself. Amen.

I used to think that my virginity was meant to only be given to my future husband and sexual intercourse was only to be done after marriage. I guess that belief of mine went down the drain. When you think that he is the one, but in the end, you are just another notch on his belt.. 

Nothing else could be done, my relationship was over and I could never take back my virginity. I was broken, spiritually and emotionally broken. After that, I fell deeper into the sin of lust. I began to have a habit of masturbation and even indulged myself with pornography. 

When the time came to face God, I was ashamed. How could God ever accept a daughter like me? I felt unworthy of being called a child of God and felt so ashamed that i distanced myself from him. I saw myself as an unworthy servant to a Mighty King who continually show me mercy time and again but I didn’t deserve it. So I relied on my own efforts to solve all my problems without offering them up to God, that I could do it on my own. 

My continuous struggle with masturbation was real. and I felt really disgusted with myself I was tired of falling into it after going to confession about it several times. Yet, I could not seem to stop. I suddenly thought of why I was turning to the sin of lust ever so often and realised that I wanted something more and I yearned to have my heart whole again.

I was blessed to have my best friend beside me. She got me to go for the Combined University Retreat (CUR) hosted by the Office for Young People (OYP) an organisation that reaches out to the catholic youths in Singapore. It was then that I had encountered God several times during the retreat. There had been two encounters that had the most impact on me.

The first encounter was during the first pray over when we individually went over to facilitators who would pray over us. The words spoken to me through the facilitator were: “Angela, God wants you to claim the promise he made you. He says that he will always be there for you and will carry you from now on. He promises to always be there for you and will never forsake you. He tells you not to be afraid.”. 

Moved by these words, I broke down. Knowing that God wanted me to go to him despite everything that I have done to betray him, he still wants me to be a  part of him, to go back to him as his daughter and his princess. Since I was left wanting to reconcile with him, I opened up my heart and let God in. 

We were introduced to the “lies of the world” during one of the sessions. Those lies were pretty much all the times when I told myself that I am not worthy to be loved, that I wasn’t good enough to let anyone love me anymore. That I was not loved by God. I disposed of all these lies in my mind and heart, the lies that made me feel inferior and useless. I decided to let God touch my heart. 

And so my next encounter with him was during the second prayer ministry. Where I had to lovely facilitators praying over me. Through them, I heard God’s message to me once more; that God claimed me as his daughter and his princess, that my dignity and everything that I have lost will be restored.