A first date guide for the un-datables
Dear Single Men of the NY Metro Area People of the Universe:
It’s time to sit up and put on your big boy pants. As a collective whole, we agree that dating, and first dates in particular suck. We also agree that they are a necessary evil if we’re to ever get out of the online dating sewer maze. And, while I cannot guarantee that every first date will feel like slipping on fuzzy slippers after digging out your car in a blizzard, I’d like to think I might be able to make this process be just a little less painful.
Here’s some general life and dating advice from someone who has suffered, endured, and persevered through countless first dates*:
1. Use basic table manners. Do not serve yourself with your fingers, unless your first date is at Medieval Times, or a taco truck. Don’t talk with your mouth open, use a napkin, don’t pick at your teeth with your straw, don’t be rude to waitstaff, say please and thank you. We’re evolved from apes, we sit at tables and use silverware, I trust you can navigate this without Emily Post.
2. Do not repeatedly check your phone and tell me who’s texting you, or worse, respond. Can you just leave it in your pocket unless you’re actually a Marvel Superhero and you’re being summoned to rescue a baby from a Super Villain.
3. Do not use our first date to tell me stories about other girls. I don’t care about the time you dated a girl after she dated your friend. I don’t want to know that you’re okay with sloppy seconds. I also don’t want to know about the time you tried to date multiple girls from the same family. Actually, I don’t want to know about the other people you’ve dated unless we’re serious. Mmmkay?
4. Don’t tell me that 85% or more of your outfit came from Target. I just spent two hours getting ready to find the right balance between effort and effortless and you’re most proud of your $4 sneakers.
5. Have a couple conversation topics ready to go (that have nothing to do with sex or your previous exploits) that will help avoid a painful drag in conversation. If we’ve been texting, you should have a plethora of options. “How’s your drink?” When my drink is a bottle of water or a glass of seltzer is not viable here.
6. Read the room. Is your date keeping up with you drink for drink, or did they stop after 1 round. No one wants to be sitting across from someone who is 6 drinks deep when they’re either done drinking or not drinking at all. It makes you look silly. If you want to keep drinking, ask, or do it on your own time.
7. Do not ask me to hold your flask whilst you pee in the street before making me step over said puddle so you can give me a ride back to my car. Just hold it. BE. BETTER.
Yes, dating can be awkward, you’re trying to generate something out of nothing, but even if it’s not going to work out, the experience can at least be pleasant. People meet and interact all the time without falling in love, but it’s better if I’m not regretting that I ever got out of leggings to meet you in the first place.
*I have indeed lived to tell the tale of every one of these ridiculous experiences and then some. Just don’t effing do it. Okay? Pretty please? Pinky promise?
