abuse is horrid at what it does to the mind. we can be in the thick of it and struggling to understand why it's happening but entirely blame ourselves. like we aren't good enough or worthy enough of decent fucking treatment. breaking free of it takes courage. and learning to love and be loved again takes courage. there are so many wonderful people on this planet who can absolutely love a formerly abused/recovering person the way they deserve to be loved. and formerly abused/recovering people have SO MUCH LOVE to give. but recovery is a mind-body-spirit thing. you have to feel safe, comfortable, and protected to be open, heal, and connect again in meaningful ways.
btw, recovery is also a mental journey of self-understanding. relearning what kind of behavior is okay and what isn't. recognizing that YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT BULLSHIT, and what they did to you was NOT okay is part of that. you always deserved better.
what's agonizing is that even though we know all these things and we want to believe them, we can still set ourselves up for failure in future relationships. recovering hearts are prone to self-sabotage, especially in beautiful and loving relationship(s). its like, it wasn't enough that the abuser fucked us up in that relationship, it has to stick to us like superglue.
my darling ones, you deserve better. it is okay to believe that.
if you have moved on, remember: the person/people you are with now aren't the people who hurt you, used you, manipulated you, or tried to destroy you. give yourself space to shed off those slimy layers of toxicity and learn what love REALLY looks like. be patient with yourself. recognize your fight/flight responses in relationships. be open. be honest. find people to support you. as formerly abused people, we have to UNLEARN relationship norms and RELEARN them. this can be any kind of relationship, not just romantic. i can't stress this point enough.
for the fantastic people who love formerly abused and recovering people, thank you for being patient with them as they learn to accept what everyone else knows as normal fucking behavior as the norm. when they ask for assurance a zillion times because they were used to being gaslit and mentally tortured, please don't hold it against them. when they need more time or comfort or hugs or space, it isn't you. trust me, they know you have them. it just takes time. healing takes time.
together we can get through this.
