#findingahome

by findingahome

Rated T, 1.8k words

Tags: Genderbending, Fluff

Summary:

And nothing could prepare her for the way Georgie smiled like the dawn. Or the way she pulled Dream’s hand to her mouth, kissing her knuckles lightly. For the entire night, Dream could feel the impression of her lips against her skin and the light, panicky feeling in her throat. But Dream could swallow the butterflies, avoid staring at Georgie in her stolen clothes, and bear all of the mornings she woke up to Georgie on her side of the bed, tucked under her chin. Because it was them against the rest of the world.

by findingahome

Rated T, 6.6k words

Tags: Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Soulmate AU, Mutual Pining

Summary:

Over the years, as more and more things piled up, George created a false narrative. His soulmate was a gamer. One who was kind but forgetful. They had a love for everything that was apparent in the way every object George possessed had a faint look of wear. And as new things piled on—bags of American crisps, a toothpaste cap, a wrinkled sock—George’s soulmate started to look more and more like Dream.

Last week,I met a friend, M, who is also practicing Nichiren Daishonin's Buddhism and, when I went back to my place, I decided to give it a go. It has been a few weeks I didn't sit down in front of my altar.

I made the goal that I wasn't going to be moved into another Supported Housing Scheme but in MY home. Anything I need to change in my heart to manifest my home NOW, I transform now. A few things came up:

•My Gohonzon - Buddhist scripture I chant in front of - is my home ( it represents the entire Universe = my Life = me ) so, yes, I am home right here right now! In the present moment.

•I let go of the past - resentment and hurt

I had a memory of my Daughter - when she was small - running ahead of me to our flat - the one we got after the women's shelter. I remembered how grateful I was that we got a home and that we were happy... It is all gone. I started crying. I still feel sad and upset about my landlord sexually assaulting me and then we moved and then... I ended up losing everything... A lot of grief came back up to the surface. Am I really going to ever be happy??? All I wanted/ want is to be happy!!

Today I managed to chant more and more things came up:

•Thinking of a conversation we had in therapy earlier this morning, I realised how I never felt I belonged with my parents, at home, in school, in this world. "I am a mistake. I shouldn't be here." This is my unconscious old tape. I reminded myself: I am home here, where the Gohonzon is, in this room, in this Lifetime, in this world. I have a purpose, a mission only I can fulfil.

•Letting go of the past went a bit deeper with the following prayers: "I send Daimoku (mantra) to all those who hurt me the most as they are those who suffer(ed) the most. I still need to detached myself from their behaviour in order to protect myself bit it is time to let go of them and of the hurt and resentment.

•Re-thinking of my Daughter and our life together: life has changed. She's grown, I've grown... Life is different, new and scary... Again it is about letting of the past and accepting our life as it is.

•I reminded myself that, under all these layers of hurt, pain, lies I was told and took as my true identity, there is my very core, my eternal self, my real identity: Buddhahood. Every time I chant I make it shine in such a way that all these negative layers don't have such an impact but my Buddha Nature does...

A lot to take in, in such a short time! I am going to let it all sink through me. I let the Universe show me and lead me. I am still feeling exhausted and quite depressed. I have to remind myself constantly how it is ok for me to rest and to stop fighting... stop resisting. It is ok not to be in control of everything. It is ok not to know. I will know when I am ready. It is ok to be scared...

So, as I mentioned awhile ago, I am planning to move out of my house where I've lived with my roommate and her amazingly adorable dog Rumi at the end of June. I am not the kind of person who can take house hunting lightly. It is very important to me to love where I live and feel comfortable in my own space, partly because I work from home, and I'm there a LOT. It has always been important to me to nest quickly and thoroughly - so the in between time of knowing I have to move out but not knowing where I will be living next is very stressful for me. 

I've been looking for months at apartment/house listings in anticipation of my move, and just recently I've actually started seeing places come up that are available in my time frame. And over the past few days/week I've seen quite a few. I knew living by myself I would be paying more for less space, but I don't think I realized how small 500 square feet really is. I'm not dissing it! I know lots of people are TOTALLY happy in spaces of this size or even smaller. But I really need a spot to put my office, and I knew I wanted it to be separate from my bedroom because, well, I don't want to work in my bedroom. 

ANYWAY, so I found a spot that I really like. It's not in the neighborhood I was thinking about (I really wanted to stay in the neighborhood I live in now), but it's pretty close to my gym, and it's extremely centrally located to lots of different parts of town that I've never really explored (namely, SE). And it has a good-sized living room, bedroom, and bonus room. Also, the kitchen has a gas stove (!) I went back and forth on it for a few days just because the landlord seems super strict and has really high expectations as well as lots of rules (no candles, absolutely no pets, no space heaters, etc.)

A few of my friends encouraged me not to get into that kind of situation, but I really liked the place, so I went back and interviewed the other people in the building (the apartment is in a house that has been broken up into 4 apartments). They gave me their perspectives and experiences, and still not being completely convinced, I talked with the landlord about my concerns (not being able to get my security deposit back when I move out, feeling like her expectations are too high) and we had a good heart-to-heart that really helped lay everything on the table. So yesterday, I applied. I haven't heard back yet, so in the mean time, I'm keeping my eyes out for other properties that might work for me. 

Anyway, I lost two nights of sleep over this whole search, going back and forth on whether I am doing the right thing or not. I always have such anxiety over committing to a place to live for any period of time, and usually once I make my decision I immediately start doubting myself and imagining the worst situations that could happen. I think this might be PTSD from certain living situations that I've chosen that have turned out to be some of the worst mistakes of my life.