#ffxvcrackweek

We shall begin with a brief outline of the Noctis Lucis’ peculiar eating and mating habits, for those who are unfamiliar. This creature will spend its days sat by a body of water and use an external tool known as a ‘fishing rod’ to attempt to lure in and capture various types of aquatic creatures. The predator and its prey will engage in a vicious battle of wits and skill, as the prey desperately tries to escape the clutches of this well adjusted predator. If we are lucky, we may be able to see one of these skirmishes today.

If the Noctis Lucis is successful in reeling in its prey it will then kill the captured animal with a blow to the head before beginning to engage in its most sacred mating ritual.

The Noctis Lucis will insert its engorged genitalia into the mouth of its dead prey and stimulate itself until ejaculation. Afterwards it will then take the captured prey back to its pack where it will be prepared and cooked by the pack second in command. The semen of the Noctis Lucis imparts its meal with more nutritional value, meaning that the pack is able to reduce the frequency at which they are required to hunt.

Here we can see that this specimen currently has its ‘fishing rod’ in the water and is waiting patiently for its prey to take the bait. It is difficult to tell but to a trained eye we can see from the posture of the Noctis Lucis that it has been here for quite some time.

It appears that our valiant predator has been unsuccessful in its hunt today, having given up on its fruitless quest for prey and a suitable semen receptacle. Whilst its pack will accept it returning empty handed without a meal, they will not accept the creature returning without first relieving itself of any excess semen.

If we look closely we can now see the Noctis Lucis unsheathing its genitalia, if we are able to adjust the camera slightly, ah here we go, we will be able to see what is colloquially referred to as its ‘hard throbbing rod.’

Whilst it is quite unusual to see self stimulation in creatures other than humans, the Noctis Lucis has evolved for sexual fluids to play a large role in its digestive cycle and so it tends to produce an excess. Here we can see the Noctis Lucis wrapping its hand around its genitalia and beginning the rigorous process known as ‘jerking off.’

In a rare display we can see the Noctis Lucis has decided to use its external ‘fishing rod’ to assist in its masturbation ritual. The Noctis Lucis has inserted its penis inside of the hook at the end of its ‘fishing rod.’ It will use this to increase stimulation on the tip of its penis while using its hand on the rest; with the end goal being to speed up the process of ejaculation.

If you listen closely, you will be able to hear the Noctis Lucis unleashing its mating cry, which to those of us not quite studied in their language will note that it sounds a lot like the word “Prompto”. It will release this noise just before ejaculation in the hope that this might attract a mate who will assist it. However, it seems like this current specimen is unlucky today and its cry goes unheeded.  

The Noctis Lucis will ejaculate over its fist and over its ‘fishing rod’ before cleaning itself off in the creek. Not only does this serve hygiene purposes but it also means that some of the aquatic life inside the body of water may ingest some of its semen and thus increasing the nutritional value of the prey contained inside this body of water for any future hunts.

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“Come on baby, put those lips back on me,” the voice, a deep bass that could give Gladio’s a run for the money, seemed to emanate from the Ebony can in Ignis hand.  Eyes wide he stared down at the can, his cheeks flushed as he muttered a quiet “what?”

He had really done it now, bad enough he had started hearing things, but talking back to his Ebony was a step too far.  He nearly screamed when the can in his hand answered back in a husky voice “oh baby, don’t be like that.  Come on, suck me dry.”  With a shaking hand Ignis carefully placed the can on the table and, keeping a wary eye on it, gently pushed it away from him.  Without a word to anyone he stood, walked past the questioning faces of his companions, and retired to the camper.  

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Ignis didn’t know how this was now his life;  constant fighting, scrimping and saving to afford the basics, and, worst of all, the indignity of stirring soup as it moaned at him as though he was bloody making love to it.  Really, there was nothing at all erotic about fish head soup, or the stirring of said soup, but it seemed to be getting off on it anyway.  With a sigh he looked over to the ingredients he had taken out earlier with the intent of another attempt at Noct’s Tenebraen pastries.  He wasn’t sure what awaited him while making the treats, but Noctis had asked for them and he would do as his prince asked.

He glanced over at Gladio, Noctis and Prompto, so far the three hadn’t seemed to be affected by whatever was causing his… auditory hallucinations.  Probably for the best, who knew what vegetables might have to say to the picky prince.

Replacing the lid on the soup pot he surveyed the ingredients before him, mind whirling on how to make this recipe different from the countless other failures.  Deciding on using a pastry crust and perhaps adding more banana, he gathered the rest of the ingredients and went to work.  

“Take those gloves off and touch me,” the pastry sheet flirted with him.  Sighing he removed the gloves, probably for the best anyway, he told himself.  Gloves removed he began gently unrolling the sheets and adding butter between the layers.  “Oh, so much better.  Those fingers feel divine on me.  I want to see them covered in butter, all slippery and wet between my folds.”

“Really now!” Ignis huffed, a light blush dusting his high cheekbones.  

“I bet you can do magical things with those fingers.  And that mouth, I can’t wait to feel it on me.  You’re going to fill me up sooo good, aren’t you?  And then you’re going to devour me.”

“My, you’re quite… feisty.”

“Just know what I want, and it’s your hands aaaaallll over me,” replied the silky voice.  Ignis glanced around, checking that, once again, noone but him was hearing this.  The other three seemed to, unsurprisingly, be none the wiser to his interactions with their forthcoming dessert.  

Not for the first time Ignis decided he was probably having a nervous breakdown, but breakdown or no he still had a duty to cook for his prince and Cup Noodles simply would not do; although he supposed those might be more apt to talk dirty to Gladio over himself.  He was not unconcerned that Gladio would take them up on whatever offer they might make to the shield and, well, there were only so many injuries he was trained to treat and scalding hot noodle burns to ones nether regions was not one he was prepared for.

“You’re so gentle, but I bet you can be rough if you want to be, can’t you?”  Ignis bit his lower lip as he concentrated on laying the pastry sheets perfectly in the tins, trying his best but failing at ignoring the voice.  “I bet you like it rough sometimes, don’t you?  You are so proper and put together, but I can imagine you letting your baser instincts take over.  I can imagine you taking just what you want.”

Ignis coughed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  With a self-conscious clearing of the throat he set the tins to the side and grabbed a bowl for his fruit mixture.   

Bananas mashed, and thankfully rather quiet, he began adding sugar and strawberries to the mixture, incorporating them into a thick jelly.  Said jelly had some rather… interesting things to say about what could be done with it.  Some, Ignis was sure, completely unhygienic or downright physically impossible.

“Gods yes!  Why don’t you rub me down with some of those berries, get me alllll dirty” Ignis looked down at the mixture in the bowl, frowning at the suggestion.  Really, what did he have to lose adding some ulwaat berries to the recipe?  Besides any respect he had left for himself for following the suggestion of a bowl of fruit filling, that is.  Ah, well, that ship has sailed he thought to himself, grabbing a handful of berries and adding them to the mix.  

Pastries safely baking Ignis took the opportunity to relax, the boys ensconced in a game of King’s Knight and no recipes around to fluster him any further.  He needed to get ahold of himself, this ridiculousness with his cooking needed to end before it drove him crazy.  He steeled his resolve to ignore any and all voices he might hear from his food and figure out what, exactly, was going on.  If he wasn’t losing his mind then possibly this was some weird status effect he was hit with.  Perhaps a talk with Kimya, a private talk, was in order.  It wouldn’t do for the others to know of his dilemma.

Once the pastries were done and cooled he arranged them on a large serving platter to bring to his friends, staunchly ignoring the desserts as he did so.

“You’re going to share us with your friends?  Ohhhh, that’s kinky, I like it.  Are you going to watch as they eat us?  As our juices run down their mouths, their throats?  Tell me, how will it feel when they’re moaning in pleasure around us, knowing it was all your doing?”  Refusing to acknowledge the lewdness coming from the pastries he set the final product down before his prince, waiting patiently for Noct’s verdict on this batch.  

“These are great Ignis, best ones yet!  I think you’re on the right track with those berries you added this time” Noctis exclaimed, shoving the rest of the pastry into his mouth and reaching for another.

Hmmmmmm, perhaps talking recipes weren’t quite so bad...

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“Uhhh, Iggy, think you’re being a little too… rough with that?”

Ignis looked up at Noctis’ questioning face as he pounded his fist back into the raised dough.  “It likes it, trust me,” he answered.

There were flames all around scorching the once pristine trees sheltering the ancient city of Tenebrae from harm and all Prince Ravus could do was stand there in stunned shock as his people were slaughtered one by one by the Imperial army.

They were here for the Lucian King and his incapacitated son.

Mere moments ago Prince Ravus, Princess Lunafreya and Prince Noctis were playing among the fields of vibrant blue sylleblossoms, Luna laughing jovially as their dogs Umbra and Pryna happily chased each other around in play.

Then the first Imperial drop ship arrived.

The Imperial General, Glauca pierced his blade through many of their soldiers and the Lucian Crownsguard, leaving them either gasping for mercy in their last breaths or a decapitated mess on the forest floor.

But what he swore should be blood was a sticky clear colour that looked carbonated . Blood should be crimson, shouldn't it…?

What should have been Ravus’ personal guard were suddenly pieces of sliced apart flesh before his feet and the terrifying red and black armour of one, General Glauca appeared before him, blade at the ready to take his life.

“RAVUS!” He heard before he slammed his eyes shut, a warm, sticky substance splattering all over him. Some got in his mouth and he gagged.

Why in the Six does it taste so damned sweet?!

Like… Jetty’s…?

He opened his eyes, seeing his wide eyed mother before him, impaled by General Glauca’s blade.

But it wasn't a blade… it was… a... trevally?

His resplendent, graceful, pure mother was stabbed through the chest by a fish…

As her lifeless body fell to the ground the General stood before him, the battle around them almost slowing to a stop and all he could do was tremble in fear before him. That was until a rogue blade struck Glauca’s armoured head, knocking the helmet clear off to reveal black, lifeless… no, soulless eyes, a black feathered face and an orange beak.

Oh gods…

"̷̛̘͖͇̦̖̻̳̰̬͔͖̤̞̲̤̂͂ͪͫ̿͛̈́͂ͯ̊K̢̡̥̹̝̫̮̭̏͑͒̊ͧ̂̌̈̊̉̚Aͬ̄̊͋̎̆̊ͮ͛̇̅͗̊ͥ̓͌͞҉̗͇̭̪̘̫̦̣͎͍̣ͅW̢͕͚͎͕̖̣͕̘͓̹̣ͦ͂ͬ̓̉̀͗ͤ̃̂̚W̨̟͓͙͚̭͇̹̲̫̙̗̫͑ͥͣͤͭ̔̃͊͊ͅ ̸̐ͬ͊̎ͨ͒̓͑͐̋̔͏͎̜̪̼͍̙͖͖̟̲̺̞͉̠̭̗K̵̐͛̽ͤ̅͑̏̋̂ͤ̆̑͏̶̜̰̜̜̻̰̥̣̣̥̜̫͎̺Į̷̵̛͉̦͙̳͉̯̞̻͙̬̣̰ͣͩ͗̇̓͑͛͢D̡̛͓͚̬̥̜̭͓̱̙̗̣̙̳̗̮̗̹͖̲ͭ͂ͩ̍̓̎̌͆̓ͥ̃͗ͨ̓͌͐̄̒͠S͗͐ͮ̃ͩͬ̈̂ͪͦ̈́͑̔͑ͨ҉͇̞͖͔̘̯̠͜͡,̵̷̡̢͇̤̯̹̣̳͗ͤͤ͒͆̆ ̗̜̫̪͔̠̥̣͙̅͌̑ͦ̐̽͒́͆̎͒̃ͧ̿͆͒̚̚͘ͅĮ̵̶̸̴̯̺̟͙̫̖̑̇̑ͨͤͥ̈͋ͪ̔͒͗ͥ̽͆̓ͭ̿̋T̛͇̠̞̟̓̓̈ͫͥ̆ͤ͢'̸̨̛̟̼̣̯͙̬̝̤̞̝͉̺̰͎̬̯͎̙ͪ͋̎̾̈ͩ̀̍̋̈̎͌ͥͦ͊̀͞͡S͎̜̰̰͈͔̲̪͔̪̰͕͙̺̥̥̄̅̍̿̓ͣͣ̈́ͩͩ̆̊ͦͥͪ̿ͩ̑ͩ͝͝ ̶̷̡͈͕̝̠̤̹̤̱͙̪͈̓ͤ̒̌̓̈̉͌̾̐̉ͧͤ̂͟͞K̸̵̛̜̗̘͍͇͉̃̈́̌ͤ͗ͩ̄̋ͭͬ̓̐̍̾̑ͫͩ̋͟É̴̖͚̱̳̭̹͍ͤ̒͛̒̍̇ͤ̒ͤ͛̕͜͠N̵ͨ̀͑ͥ͗̋͛ͧ̂͐ͯ͐̓̓ͫ͐͐̌̚̕͟͏̡̜̹̭̟̘̠̺̖̫̹͉̜̳̦͙ͅN̸͊͌ͨ̉̉̇ͫ̅̏͛҉̦͇̱̞̦̯̯̖̥͍Ý̛ͯ̓́̓̊̈́̒͋͌̀ͣ͌͒҉̛͙͍̹̰̜͘ ͩ̅̿ͤ̊̄ͣ͑̓́̽͋ͩͬ̅̽̓̎͏̫̱͈̫̟͉̬͝Ç̰̮͉̩̮̎ͯ͑̄͛̊̕̕͢͠Ṙ̛̥͓̥̻̲͈̝͇̤̻̼͓̙͍̹̯̥͖̆ͧ̒ͤ͑ͦ̆͂ͣ̑ͭ̂̚̚̕O̷ͬͧͮ͛̂̚҉͎͔͖̭̥̲̩̭̠̪̼͍̞͙͎͓͙͍͞Wͫ͛̉҉͏̩̣̲̳̭̺̝!̓̂̐̊̃̿̏̋̀͆̾҉̬̦̤̜͓̬̼̳͓ͅ"̃ͬ̔́͒ͮ͒̑͒̍͒ͩ̽̒͑ͥ͆ͬ҉̢͚̩͚͕͙͉̭̣̹̖̰͞

Ravus rose with a start, his screams echoing throughout Fenestella Manor as he awoke from his nightmare, a literal hell on Eos.

What the hell did he drink last night for his nightmare to turn so drastically terrifying ?

What the hell did he do to deserve such a ludicrous dream?

As he steadied his breathing he was finally able to lay back down in bed. Exhaling deeply, he turned to his right only to release another petrified scream, coming face to face with the decapitated head of a Kenny Crow costume staring back at him with those terrifying beady eyes.

So there Gladio was, fucking his Prince into the mattress; Noctis had his ass up and face down into his pillows; he had looked beautiful like a greek statue presenting for him. Gladio was fucking into him, fingers tight around Noctis’ hips, forcing the boys smaller body to meld to his own. Noctis was powerless as Gladio fucked into him, setting the brutal pace; pounding into Noctis’ prostate with each thrust as his Prince’s screams of his name, muffled from the thick pillow echoed through the room.

When Noctis came around him, when Gladio made his Prince come untouched, the force of Noctis’ asshole clamping down around him was simply too much. It brought him to the edge far faster than he intended and was left with no choice but to pull out right away if he wanted to claim his Prince and come all over his back.  

But when Gladio pulled out it was far too late, his cock spurted outside of his control and he hit himself in the fucking eye. It felt like his eyeball was burning and he let out an incredibly manly scream as he desperately tried to rub it out of his eye using his hand. Unfortunately his hand was covered in that delightful silicon lube that obviously isn’t water based.

It just made the pain worse.

So, cue a very blissed out Prince who still high from his untouched orgasm who was struggling to work out what the fuck was going on. By the time he had managed to gain enough control over his groggy limbs to roll himself over and look at Gladio, the other man was in hysterics.  

From Noctis’ point of view, all he could see was his shield panicking while rubbing what looked like a very inflamed, red eye while his slightly still erect cock flailed about. Noctis in his pleasured filled haze decided that Gladio needed a potion, no he definitely needed a potion.

However, coordination had never really been the Prince’s strong suit, especially after orgasm when all his body wanted to do was shut down and sleep.

What Noctis intended to be a gentle press of the potion bottle against Gladio’s inflamed eye, ended up being Noctis absolutely smashing the bottle into Gladio’s skull. Gladio’s large body actually fell backwards onto the floor from the force of it and he looked ethereal while the healing blue light surrounded him.

The potion did not at all help his semen and lube inflamed eye and the force of Noctis’ blow had forced shards of glass into the delicate skin around Gladio’s eye, which was now dripping blood.

At this exact moment, just when both boys thought they were probably going to die Ignis walked in, almost kicking the door down in his haste to find out what the fuck Gladio’s panicked screams were about.

Even if Ignis didn’t have an eidetic memory, this was a scene he would never forget.

Gladio splayed out on the floor, surrounded by shards of broken glass, one hand gripping his bleeding face as his other just managed to rub more blood, lube and come into his eye; his large, bare semi-erect cock flopping around as his body and hips writhed in pain. A very shell shocked, blissed out Noctis looked on from the edge of the bed, his chest covered in come, magic swirling around him as he tried to work out what the fuck was going on.