#fetishising

it’s actually a rather thin line these days, but i’d say what matters most, is the way you treat gay ppl irl. if you are as pro-gay irl (treating us w/ respect and equality) as you are pro-gay shipping, then you’re not likely fetishsing. 

of course it’s fine to ship any characters, as they aren’t real people, they’re fiction. but if you squeal when you see a gay person irl and infantilise them or want to be their friend for stereotype reasons, then you’re likely fetishising as you’re being disrespectful. 

generally, when you’re shipping two characters, it’s because they have genuine chemistry. so like, if you pick the two hottest white dudes and have them bang cuz it’s turns your crank-you might be fetishising. not tht it’s wrong to imagine two (or more) fictional characters being together, but it’s easy to fall into the obsessive path of fetishising when you forget about previously established chemistry (requited or not). 

it’s kind of a hard line to find tbqh. like, the fact is that a) while media is slowly creating more gay couples, it’s most often mlm and not wlw, so finding canon lgbt+ couples you like means you’re much more likely to find mlm couples; and b) there’s so few of them!! it’s so much easier to just like all gay lit because it’s new and something you can relate to. so the fact that you just like loads of gay ships on its own isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

there is a difference between enjoying them and fetishising relationships, though. for instance if you’re only into mlm ships then it can be a bit ehh, like you think gay boys are super cute but not lesbians because ???? whatever reason you can come up with is bad. this post kind of summarises for me what a big issue often is: the stereotyping. in a lot of media, they’ll include gay characters that are every inch the “gay best friend” stereotype (cough gl*e, riverd*le) and it’s quite frankly dehumanising. it leads to people doing this in the real world. the very idea of going up to someone and saying “you’re my new gay best friend!” is just so strange and like… the fact that someone is same gender attracted doesn’t determine any other part of their character, you know? that’s a big part of it in fandoms. so for men, it’s often making them out to be effeminate.

for women, it’s different. quite often it leads to hypersexualisation. (i know this isn’t really what you asked but i figured i’d briefly include it anyway, just for a more complete answer i guess) again, it’s reducing same gender attraction to a character trait, and often something to turn a guy on. which is. not cool. (examples here)

but to answer the question - i think if you enjoy the stories for what they are and don’t enjoy them in a different way you enjoy other ships, then it’s generally alright. it’s stuff like the people who still only focus on ev*k in sk*m and say that the actors must have practised kissing because it looks so real, for example, that’s where you’re crossing a line.

i don’t agree with all of this post necessarily, but there’s a paragraph i wanna pull out:

if a straight boy was constantly seeing “lesbians” everywhere, or talking about how those girls would look so good together, or making up headcanon about you and one of your platonic girlfriends, you would think he was creepy as fuck, sexist, and probably a pervert. Because he isn’t seeing you or other girls as people with real agency, he’s seeing you as an object to project onto. He’s invalidating your personhood and your sexuality and making your actual queer friends feel like their sexuality isn’t a real identity. That is what you’re doing to these boys; straight or gay, real or fictional, you are projecting onto them and invalidating them.

In the same way that men & women can be friends without being a couple, women & women and men & men can also be friends without being a couple.

Hey straight girls - don’t sexualise and objectify same-sex male relationships and ESPECIALLY don’t do it to real life same-sex male couples that you see in public or know.

Hey straight guys - don’t sexualise and objectify same-sex female relationships and ESPECIALLY don’t do it to real life same-sex female couples that you see in public or know.

It’s FINE to read gay erotica, it’s fine to find same-sex porn a turn on and even watch it - what IS NOT ok is objectifying and fetishising same-sex relationships and especially I mean real life same-sex couples. It makes many of them uncomfortable and feel objectified. 

What I mean is it’s not at all ok to make comments like: 

“omg I LOVEE gay couples! They are so hot” or 

“I LOVEE lesbian girls, they are so hot and I want to sneak up on them a watch them make out” or

“I LOVEEE bisexual girls/guys, it means I can have a threesome with them!”

okay sweet turtledove let me unpack all this bit by bit. starting at the top!

I ship because I need some representation

it’s totally cool tht you ship mlm for mlm representation. we all wanna see ourselves reflected in the media we consume and you’re no exception. 

I feel like my sexuality is just a fetish for cishet girls

sadly yes, there are some cishet-females who treat mlm relationships as a fetish. the good news tho, there’s ppl of every gender and sexual orientation who sail mlm ships too. jus like all het ships, all mlm ships are valid too. 

I've been told that mlm ship fandoms are safe spaces for cishet women and mlm shouldn't be there. 

wowie, have you been lied to, dove! nope, mlm fandoms are NOT a “safe space” for cishet-females only. first, there’s zero fandoms tht can be considered a ‘safe space,’ esp as most are toxic as heck. you gotta find some rad friends and let your inner circle be your ‘safe space.’ 

second, all fandoms and pairings are for all ppl. there’s no bouncer at the fandom door and your personal orientations are irrelevant when it comes to deciding who you want to ship. everyone’s welcome to play in the fandom sandbox. coincidentally, tht’s also why there’s no public ‘safe space’ here. 

the sticking point is, shipping’s all fiction, it’s not real life. what matters is tht fandom persons must treat real ppl as equal humans. for example, fandom folx shouldn’t infantilize gay men or act like they’re allies-simply cuz they ship mlm pairs. real life and fiction are not the same thing.

I'm worried I'm just like them, only fetishizing mlm and not really one.

tht feeling, turtledove has a name, ‘internalised homophobia.’ see, we’ve all been raised in a homophobic society and tht stuff gets deeply ingrained in most of us. the good news is, you can combat it. you can fight tht hatred and learn to love and accept yourself and your orientation. 

if you experience same-sex attraction to real life ppl- then yeah, you’re gay. while there’s a variety of sexual orientations to label yourself, but there’s no levels of them. if you experience solely gay attraction you're gay. just like if you experience solely het attraction, you’re het. etc..

I don't want to have a relationship because my relationship would be only seen like a fetish or trying to be special snowflake.

if you want a relationship- then you should have one. living your life is not a fetish, if you’re a guy who wants to date other guys- then you should do tht! we’re all allowed to date whomever we want, dove. plus, we’re all freakin snowflakes, no two ppl are exactly alike and so what if you’re special. like tht’s a bad thing. no, it’s a human thing. diversity is a good thing 

so, don’t let other’s homophobic attitudes control your life. you wanna ship mlm pairings, cool. you wanna be a part of fandoms with mlm ships, cool. you wanna create content for those fandoms, cool. you wanna date other guys irl, super duper cool.