We were sitting in the kitchen with my mom yesterday, talking about boys and family and all this stuff. And then this little scene happened. Mom: you need to find a boyfriend, it will heal you and solve all your problems! Me: it will actually make things worse, you know. Mom, switching the subject: what kind of man do you want in your life? Me, a closeted lesbian: I want a person who likes me for who I am, who will not see me only as a sexual object, who will be... Mom, interrupting me: ...so, a woman? And I looked her dead in the eyes, I knew, that she wouldn’t understand the truth, so I asked her: what makes you think that? She replied: please, dear, you are weird enough already, you can’t be serious. And then we stopped talking about it because she would start talking about how it’s just a phase and how I’m just weird, and special, and not like other girls. But she knows who I am. Deep down she knows that I’m a lesbian, that I love women with my whole heart. She knows it, but she is afraid of it. My father says that there is no homophobia in Russia, “it’s okay to be gay just do this at home and don’t yell about it, why do they need all those parades, if a man wants to have sex with another man, fine, just don’t rub it in my face, keep quiet, don't talk about it”, he says. There’s no homophobia in Russia, mom, you heard him. But if there’s no homophobia in Russia then why when I said “I love her” about my school friend, you get angry and told me not to use those words when I talk about a girl ever again, mom? It wasn’t even about romance, why were you so scared? I know my parents realize that I’m not interested in men. But they are afraid of it. They would rather pretend that I have low self-esteem and that’s the reason why I never had a boyfriend. But deep inside they know the truth. And so do I. I’m a lesbian, I love women and there’s nothing wrong with this.
