#fenzev

 #prompt 9 Memory Loss  

#prompt 18 Panic at disco

A Quiet Night, just the two of them in Fen’s mansion

“Let’s see how well you handle this, my Wolf lover.” Zev says huskily, kissing the warrior passionately. Both their ears prick and Fenris gasps at first, his green eyes wide then he moans. The smaller elf pushes him against the wall and his fingers glide expertly over the pale hair and the scars at his neck. The other lets his hands explore Zev’s hips. When they feel the mutual heat, pupils dilate Fenris starts unbuckling Zev’s belt.

“Oh I’ve not done this for a very long time.” His voice is just above a whisper and the tattoos illuminate with the stimulation. Each piece of armor comes off, dropping unceremoniously around them. Zev is more tanned naked, dark trails of Crow marks from his chest circling around his abdomen. The other elf responds by kissing down his throat. “Don’t worry, you’re doing well in this.”

With a deep breath, Fenris leans back to control the lyrium. Zev gazes at him in concern, stroking down his chest which is beaded with sweat. Fenris closes his eyes and motions to the couch, somehow without letting go of each other, he tumbles with Zev below him. He smiles ferally and initiates the next bout of hot kisses. The tattoos flare again causing Fen to wince but he doesn’t want to stop.

“Wait, I don’t want you to hurt, querida. Is it too much?” Although reluctant and heady with desire, Zev sits up slowly, as Fenris lies down, arms hugging himself protectively.The lyrium warrior has never spoken about the trauma of his past, though Zevran can see him trembling and rubbing his temples.

He waits quietly, giving him time politely looking askance at the candle on the side.

“No. It’s some flashbacks, my past with.... some people , that ritual, blurred faces. I’m sorry.” Fenris urges him to lie down beside him and recalls internally the other pleasant flashbacks—how Hawke and him had sex, their fights in tandem. But those memories aren’t ready to be shared, because Hawke was his alone. He rides the wave of thrill, joy, then sorrow when she collapsed lifeless. His hands glowing, had he ripped her heart out? No blood, or wound only that she had suffered after effects of the flaring lyrium song. Fenris was screaming and shaking her, then the whiteness overtook the rest. Day of the wake, his friends questioned why didn’t he attend it? Didn’t he care for her to pay final respects?

How can he face them? No one suspected he caused her death, thought it had just been the exhaustion of the final battle and a cardiac arrest.  Zev sees the other’s beautiful eyes fill with crystalline tears, his heart aches.

The tightness around Fen’s chest loosens as he gives in to his raw emotions. He had wanted to confess, especially to Aveline who had been especially kind to him. Fenris just lost his voice and willpower as each year passed. It’s my burden to carry, and I will atone for that. How many times had I contemplated killing myself, to join her? But Varric, Donnic and all of them got  so worried for me. Yes they never left him alone, scared that he’d self harm and do some rash act. Being a mercenary, then asked to be a regular soldier in the barracks eased the agony somewhat. But he didn’t want to date or be with others- women or men. At least he could be vigilant in her memory.

Fenris emerges from his reverie, also remembering he did blurt it out to the precious girl, under his wing. Because Sabriel had been confident his powers wouldn’t hurt friends, her fervent belief that he is a hero and defender of the weak. Guilty of that unspoken demise, or murder? His worry of them letting down their guard, of accidents happening, if the Fade were to possess his Will.  I have to warn them, I may become a danger. That vishante man’s legacy condemning me to a ruthless existence of slaying—

Disobeying, sojourn and being stuck in the Dark hate swirling. But they pale off --- forming smiles, jokes and her small hand touching me assuring me not to worry, it won’t happen. My ledgers are run red and soaked, those can’t be redeemed, not what I did to the Fog Warriors and my dear Hawke. I can’t possibly let these remaining people down. Not when they continue to take care of and have faith in me. So I miss her badly, but I won’t take my life! 

She would have wanted me to live on happily....and his inner turmoil gradually stops churning, becomes a soft simmer. 

Spent and dry of tears, Fenris rubs his face and sniffs. The other elf softly brushes his tears with a silk handkerchief.

They cuddle and kiss. “It’s alright. I am here.” He strokes his trembling companion and waits for him to calm down. What happened inside?

The lyrium elf heaves a sigh, looking up. Although his green eyes have a fatigue sheen, Zevran can tell that he is not disoriented and panicked anymore. Fenris murmurs, “Thank you. I can’t really talk about it, but they were not all nightmares. Had good memories....”

Fenris doesn’t finish the sentence and drifts off to sleep against Zev’s shoulder. Ah, I really did want to hear him, but--- perhaps another time, the Antivan muses. 

The night is getting cold, and they are undressed. Gingerly, Zev unfolds a blanket to cover them both. Fenris flinches from the fabric brushing his sensitive skin, but does not awaken. "Don't worry my love, it's to keep us both warm ok? Relax." He whispers, lying down to admire his slumbering companion. Zevran had his own ritual tattoos as well, but they did not cause lingering chronic pain. He fights a great desire to touch his lover's tatuaje * , but does not want to shatter the delicate trust between them.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/64054021/chapters/164330491

Varric, Fenris and Orana playing Diamondback cards in the living room. I’ve just woken from my nap. Dwarf coaching Orana how to get the right cards.

Varric: Yup that’s it girl. Don’t worry, we won’t take your coin for this.

Fenris has his back to me, turns around and smiles. ‘Hey feel better Squirt?’

Me: Yea now not too bad. Mensus cramps suck, I can’t stand it. Men are lucky. Hey Uncle V, Orana. (they move over for me to sit)

Fenris: Sorry about that. Not exactly, men don’t get the monthly courses. But I do feel awful too from these markings, and if I train too long. Or we do get tummyaches from food poisoning, last month Donnic and I were quite grumpy.

Orana says gosh. She says later she can teach me to make a herbal tea to ease my monthly problems.

Me: yay you’re all playing. Can I play too? Though I’ve forgotten how

Fenris: Haha sure, how much do you want to bet? (varric chuckles)

Varric: yea do you want to borrow from us?

Me: Eh I vote to use toy money. From my other board games. No, haha I can’t afford to pay back. Maybe $5?

The guys scoff.  I pretend to be hurt.

Fen: Noo that wouldn’t be real or thrilling at all.

He pulls a monkey-face, which’s hilarious. Then quickly, he looks his normal stoic self again, green eyes shining.

Orana: Oh it’s fine, you can choose some other things. They’re nice gentlemen won’t really confiscate our things. Today I just bet these jade earrings, I’ve extra.

I open up my miscellaneous cookie tin and count out 5 marbles. I also collected trinkets, small bracelets from my childhood. I had more than twenty glass marbles. I think Fen had bought some for me.  Elf ruffles my hair.

Varric chuckles. “Now that’s cute! I thought no kids collect marbles these days. Never mind if you don’t remember, Fen and I here will do a walkthrough.”

Me: Ok cool! My trinkets do have value Uncle V.

So I watch them shuffle and arrange the cards, Fenris genuinely relaxed and joking. I think Diamondback can be played with fewer players, whereas WG wicked grace is more fun with more people.

LOOK LOOK LOOK WHAT ARRIVED IN THE POST TODAY!!! Five gorgeous postcards illustrated by @askbroodyelf!!! Thank you so much!!! (I would have taken this photo on my desk, but my desk is a mess at the moment LOL) 

Pairings: M!Hawke/Anders, Fenris/Zevran, F!Hawke/Isabela, Bethany/Sebastian and Carver/Merrill. I love them all, they’re all beautiful.