#felam

After hours of futile twisting and turning in the half-empty inn-bed, Elam had got up.  

Now he was sitting on top of his harnessed guar, starting out into the grassy hills. Asking directions to the Dwemer ruin in the middle of the night had proved quite the task.  

Fortunately, he remembered seeing some landmarks and signs along the road they had traveled to the town. All he had to do was trace back and find the right way.  

The full moon was lighting his path.  

After a while he reached a crumbled tower, Dwemer in its design. Following past it, the ancient minesite unfolded.

He dismounted and approached.

There were two lonely tents standing a distance away from the entrance. A guar and a horse were pasturing next to it.  

The tents were decorated with a strange insignia. The roof of the other was starting to dilapitate, but the structures were still intact.

Elam pushed away the flap to peek into the longer one. Not much remained inside – some boxes, a desk with drawers and papers splayed on top of it. A modest wooden field bed in the corner. Some grass had started to grow on the trodden ground.  

He sat on the bed, suddenly feeling anxious and out of place. The lining of the mattress was coming apart, he traced the escaped threads with his fingers.

Fen had told him to stay. Commanded him, so resolutely. He who usually was more than docile with him.  

He began to understand why he had wanted to avoid Maeri. She seemed to totally function on motives of self-interest. He couldn’t quite understand the bond they shared.  

How could Fen expect him to stay away? To go on without worry? The only thing keeping him from barging into the ruins was fact he didn’t really want more interaction with Maeri.

Elam curled up his fists and pushed them into the mattress He had never felt quite the anger burn inside him. It seemed to smoulder all the way up to his heart. Mixed with worry, it felt overbearing.

He wouldn’t let Maeri treat Fen that way anymore. And he would stop Fen from letting Maeri play her games on him.  

Knock him out if he must.

It gnawed at him to know Fen only wanted to protect him all the same by keeping them apart. There was no use feeling jilted. But he didn’t have to act so coldly.  

Startling awake from his thoughts, he heard a sliding noise, like rock being dragged on rock. He hurried to the tent opening and gazed across the field.

Had they returned? Nighttime would still last for hours.  

He took cautious steps forward.  

First, he saw their shapes, huddled on the ground beside the door. Maeri was crouching. The lit torch lay on the ground and made their shadows huge against the ruin.

Maeri was pressing Fen against the door. His head kept drooping as she worked something around his chest.  

”Come on, you slouch. Hold it together.”

Fen looked up at her, his eyes groggy, unseeing. A trail of blood escaped between his cracked lips.

Elam halted.

Numbing emptiness consumed his body. Breath got stuck in his throat. All sense in his mind disappeared.

Fen.

He dashed, stumbling on the grass.

Maeri flinched like a stratled cat as he heard his approach and shot her eyes to him.

The sprint ravaged at his lungs when he collapsed next to them.  

Blood. So much blood.

All over his chest, clothes, her hands and back.

Elam breathed rapid. He crawled to him. Maeri gave him space and grunted as she moved backwards.

The fresh bandage around Fen’s chest was already soaking in red. Elam could barely run his hand on it, ghosting around it.  

Fen.

He looked at his face, his eyes, not focusing on anything. He felt his own lips quiver. Cold grasp of panic raised in his throat.

Fen coughed feebly, and blood splattered out. Specks of it flew and stained Elam’s collar. He blinked, shocked.

“Damn it. He’s on the edge of conciousness. Heavy bastard. I might pass out, too.”

She was bleeding, a continuous drip from the back of her left bicep.  

Maeri’s voice jolted him to action.  

Fen needed to be laid down. He needed to see the wound. The real damage, the depth, the width. What he could heal, and not.

”The tent, the bed…. Help me.” He mumbled.

”What?”

”HELP ME!”  

Elam slid his arm under Fen’s armpit and turned to make him prop on his back. He nudged, tried out, lifted him a little.  

Fen cried out in pain, incoherently.

Maeri got the clue and hurried to prop his other side. Together, they heaved him up. Elam felt his legs shake. Maeri was struggling. But they got his limp body moving somehow.

Elam panted, they hasted.  

Inside the tent, they laid him quickly on the rickety bed. It creaked and complained under his weight. He seemed to have finally passed out.

Before Elam had thought of it, Maeri took a knife from her belt and cut up the straps of his armor and through his shirt and the makeshift bandages, then ripped them open too uncover the cut.  

Elam stepped up to him right away, brushing past her. The wound seemed to extend all the way from his right armpit to left shoulder. He touched the edges, the raw skin, the clotted blood around it. It was a laceration, but quite cleanly cut.

“What happened...?” Voice in hoarse whisper, he asked even though he knew what to expect.

Maeri slumped to the ground, leaning to the side of the tent. She grimaced, holding her arm, stripping the cloth around it.

“A nasty trap, what else? If he wouldn’t have been whining...”

With no time to waste, Elam leaned close to his still body.

He checked his pulse and breathing, relieved to find both of them there and calming down.

He rubbed his palms together to warm them up and closed his eyes.

He recalled an image of his mother, her nimble, long fingers weaving patterns in the air. Particles, warm and bright dancing on the tips. The essence gathering into mending energy. He recalled and repeated.  

The power pulsed as he laid his hands on his chest, it scattered into the wound, filling it, covering it. He pushed his essence forward to stitch skin and muscle. To heal and renew.

It took time and precision, but finally he felt he had connected eveything. The skin on the surface was the hardest to recover. It would scar but he could make it fainter in time.  

He could not replace the lost blood. He prayed for all the divine mercy it would be enough. And not too late.

Exhausted, his hands tainted red, he sat on the edge of the bed. Cursed the fact that he was out of practice, out of his usual element to help him more.  

But Fen was stable. Stable and alive.

He stroked the skin on his arm, traced the tattoo of a feather on it.

A weight still pressed on his heart. He had been right to have a bad feeling from the start. He should have guessed, and not let him go. Insisted on coming along. She–

“I carried him all the way. It must’ve stretched my wound further.” She grunted from where she was sitting down, only wearing a torn undershirt now, the ripped parts of it wrapped around her arm. “Any chance you could send some of those sparkles my way?”

Elam felt cold fury raising in the pit of his stomach like never before.  

“Leave...”

“What?”

“I said... Leave.”

He stood up and faced her, absolute despisingly. “Haven’t you caused enough!?”

Maeri looked at him, the corners of her mouth twisting up. She grunted and managed to get up from the ground. She patted her dusty clothes off, patiently.

“He knew what he was signing up for. It’s right there on the contract. Do you think he hasn’t taken risks before?”  

“Leave him alone... leave us alone, you fiend. He won’t conform to you anymore!” He yelled.  

Snappily, she approached until her face was close to Elam’s. In the shadows of the tent her eyes looked bottomlessly black.  

“Now listen here, shortie. I have no interest in stealing or bedding him. I merely required him for business. So you can stop acting like a soggy, heated bitch about it.”

Her tone was low and articulated.  

Elam clenched his fists and spat back at her.

“You just almost got him killed. I’m beyond being–”  

“Are you that insecure about your standing?” Maeri let out and it made Elam stumble in his thoughts.  

“Or maybe you’re pissed that I know him better than you ever will.”  

She continued, getting more into his space. She was tall enough to look down at him without a problem. Her eyes squinted as she stared him down, like a snake its prey.

It made Elam instinctively back out.

“What do you even know? His favorite colour? How he likes his cock sucked?”  

She chuckled, voice full of malice and shook her head at his aghast face.

“Nothing of how he resorts in substances to douse his flaring trauma of being abused in prison, in the guard house of Vivec... All the fucked up shit he was willing to do and try... How he feels about being an abandoned, unwanted, dirty bastard.”

Every word she said felt like an arrow through his heart. He grimaced and turned away from her, trying to swallow the sob that was rising to his throat.  

So vile, he felt so vile. She was so vile.  

All these things. All these things about Fen he hadn’t known. They weren’t hers to tell. He didn’t want to hear them from her.  

At the same time his heart broke at them. All of it hit his chest like a sledgehammer.  

“Ouch...” She went on spitefully, pouting her lip. “Seems like that hurt.”  

All he could do was to just glare at her. He had no words.  

Unbothered by the damage that unraveled at her wake, she turned around. At the opening, holding the flap of the tent, she looked at Elam once more.  

“Do you even know it’s dangerous for him to have any Telvanni contact... Dangerous for you, I mean.”

She scoffed at his questioning face. She reached to release something from her belt and let it fall on the ground. The document, the contract.

“Token of my good will. Until next time, sweetie.”

With a rustle of canvas, she was gone. Elam didn’t move until he heard the hooves of her mount in the far distance. He ducked to rip the damned paper to pieces.

—

Elam slept leaning to his knees on the ground. His slumber was light, he kept flinching awake everytime Fen shifted.  

The morning sun shone its light through the canvas walls. He got up, feeling his legs stiff. Leaning over, he checked Fen’s temperature and vitals. He was clearly getting warmer. Elam hoped his skills had been enough to avoid an infection from an eons old blade.  

Fen needed a more throughout check-up from a medic.  

His hands were still stained in his blood. The little he could see of the front of his shirt too.  

While he was holding his hand on his forehead, Fen flinched awake. Elam let out a sigh of relief.

The first thing the lying mer did was bring his hand to his chest in panic. He seemed surprised to find it smooth, the scar on it only discolored. Disoriented, he glanced around until he saw Elam.  

“You...?”

Elam nodded.

“I felt it... it was warm.”

Adjusting to his awoken state, he leaned back on the mattress and exhaled deeply.

Recalling, he suddenly scanned around the room.

“She’s gone?”  

Elam didn’t need to answer.  

“Hopefully for good.”

He cursed silently and felt around his chest.  

“I’ve proven myself a fool once again.”  

He traced along the wound with his finger. “I hate ruins. I hate ruins even more with her.”

Elam finally spoke up.

”How can a person be so.... nasty? To force you to do such things... Threatening, bullying. To what end?... She claimed I was in danger with you.”

Fen pursed his lips.

”Don’t pay mind to what she said... It’s all just to please her need to meddle. A fucking masterplan to screw everyone over.”

Elam could see that. Being the way she was, she had a lonely life ahead. Maybe behind, too. But she didn’t deserve any pity, not from him.  

Fen cursed again, this time louder.  

“I hate how she makes me become. It’s like I have to be tough for her to not reach me. But she still does. Every single damn time.”

He covered his eyes with the back of his hand, his voice weak and hoarse. Behind the shadow of his hand, Elam saw he was gritting his teeth.

”I could have died and I didn’t even... ” He trailed off.

“You didn’t even listen to me. You disregarded me.”

Elam finished, hurt apparent in his voice, to let him know the extent of it. Fen seemed to awknowledge it judging by his guilty expression.

Looking at him, Elam couldn’t hold it up for long. He was too relieved everything had turned out alright in the end.

He reached to take his hand. He needed to hold it, to ground him, to support him.

”You know you don’t need to be tough when you’re with me.”

“I know.”

Elam huffed melancholically. He thought about all of the things Maeri had said. Tried to make sense of how much he must’ve suffered. How much of it he was hiding when he didn’t need to. He didn’t want to force him to confront it all, to lay it all out, no. A time would come when he’d tell, and he would be there.  

”I’m sorry for what you have been through…with her and… otherwise.”

Fen was silent. He had lifted the hand covering his face, now gazing at the plain ceiling of the tent, deep in thought. Maybe it was slight fever haze, but he seemed to relax. His brows came unfurrowed, he breathed evenly.  

”Ever since I’ve been with you, it all feels less… present.”  

He turned to him showing a tender, hazy smile.

”Makes me think I’m doing something right.”

Like flowers on a dewy hill at dawn, Elam’s affection bloomed and filled his heart. It overflowed, pushed tears out of his eyes. He had to squeeze them shut to take it all in. It was threatening to burst him.

”I love you.” Elam blurted out, squeezed his hand into his own shaking ones, brought it against his forehead.  

”The idea of losing you scared me numb. Please, don’t ever do something stupid like this again. Please.”

For an agonising moment, Fen was just quiet. Elam didn’t dear to look at him. The sobs came out of him uncontrollably. His wild heart beat like that of a humminbird.  

”Elam.”

Fen tapped his forehead gently until he looked at him. He chuckled at his teary face. Slid his hand to cup his cheek. Waited patiently for his hiccups to calm down.  

”I’ve loved you for a long time.”

“...Maybe since you first waited up the night for me to come back safely. No one has ever done that for me.”

He reached his hand further, brushed through his brown curls.

”I’ll try. I’ll try to deserve someone like you. I’ll try so hard. Please be patient.”

Elam couldn’t hold in his sniffles, he nodded and nodded, leaned into his hand.

”Now, you’ll have to reach down to kiss me, since my body won’t let me come up.”

Sniffling and laughing, he fell forward, careful of his chest and rested against his warm forehead. Close up, his eyes closed, Fen whispered,  

“Thank you for saving it, though. My body and life.”

_______

Part 1

Part 2

Fen insisted they run all the errands together. He seemed not willing to go alone or let him go alone, even though dividing up would have cost them less time. Elam found it a bit odd, but didn’t let it bother him too much.  

The sun was falling toward the horizon when they finally headed back to the inn, hands full of groceries, books, oddities and a magnifying class from the local Mages Guild. Elam had almost blissfully forgotten about the note and the morning, even though Fen had been uncharacteristically quiet and pouty the whole day.  

He was not looking forward to setting out facing the night. He would always choose to not sleep outside, if given chance. But if Fen felt like they needed to go, he wouldn’t argue.  

At the inn, they gave a quick check to their guars, who were happily munching away freshly harvested hay in the connected stall. They seemed rested enough.  

As they stepped inside to go collect the rest of their things from upstairs, Fen came to a stop before him.  

“Fuck...”

Elam peeked from behind his back. The tavern downstairs was relatively empty. Only few old men sitting by the bar with their tankards. And a red haired mer, seated facing the door, her legs crossed relaxedly on the table.  

“What a coincidence!” She spread her arms, feigned surprise in her voice.  

Maeri, her hair carefully braided out of her face, was wearing a leather armor that was lined with crimson velvet, strapped full of knives. Her features were sharp, like cut from volcanic rock. Elam hadn’t imagined how she would have looked before but he was taken a back how intimidating a person could appear.  

She was smiling, but it was the most dishonest smile he had ever witnessed. It widened into a grin when she caught Elam’s eyes for a moment. A shiver traveled down his back uncontrollably. He tried standing cogently next to Fen, holding his head up.

She dropped her legs off the table and leaned forward.  

“I’m disappointed you never left me a message back. I thought we could finally become pen pals.”

Fen shook his head and sighed. He walked to the stairs and laid their purchases down on the floor.  

“Alright. What do you want?” He turned to her and crossed his arms. Elam couldn’t see his face from the side, but the tone of his voice was dark, demanding.  

“To see you, what else? Did you grow taller? What are these new muscles?” She bit her lip playfully and measured him with her eyes.  

“There’s something you want.” He insisted, slightly raising his voice. “What is it?”

Elam moved, still holding some books. He felt uncomfortable watching Fen’s confrontation. Was there really no peaceful way to solve this? So far, she had been polite, if only a little forward. Maeri turned her attention to him.  

“Aw, you’re not even going to introduce us? I’m appalled at the lack of your manners, Fenny. I thought my mother raised you better.”  

She gazed between them, but Fen made no attempt to speak up. Elam felt obliged to.  

“I’m Elam Sarano...And I know who you are.”

He decided to give her only that, but she seemed content with the information, nodding her head as if she was impressed.

”He’s just someone I travel with. I’m sure your business here has nothing to do with this.”

Elam couldn’t help but to feel a little jab in his chest. Fen sounded so cold, so distant.

”Alright, alright.”  

Maeri held up her hands as if in arrest.  

”I had no intentions, but since you so conveniently showed up out of nowhere, I’ve come to recruit you for a job.”

Fen scoffed haughtily. The tension in his shoulders seemed to relax in a second. He dismissed Maeri with a sweep of his hand.

”Not a chance. Why would you even think I’d say yes?”

Elam felt relieved with his immediate answer. Maeri didn’t seem fazed with his protest. She simply smirked and tapped the table with her long nails.

”It’s just that.....Unfortunately for you, I still have you on contract. On a contract you violated by leaving.”

She scarped the surface of the table as she stood up. Elam saw for the first time that she was tall. Almost as tall as Fen.

She loosened a strap hanging on her belt and let a crumpled document roll free. On the bottom left of the page Elam could see in clear lettering the name ’Fenarel’.

Fen seemed to know the contents of the contract because he only took one look at it and pinched the bridge of his nose.

”I let it pass until now out of the goodness of my heart. I’m sure you are familiar how they normally deal with contract violators in this business.”

”Of all the fucking things…” Fen mumbled as Maeri rolled up the paper and carefully strapped it back in place.

”So? Are you in or do we need to apply some laws of the streets?”

She smiled, seemingly innocent from her high ground.  

Fen pursed his lip and shifted the weight on his foot, let his arms fall down, his hands already curled up in a fist.  

”And what’s the job?”

”My client requires some sample materials excavated from a nearby Dwemer ruin, and is far too rich to do it themselves. My usual plundering squad ditched me on a moment’s notice… so I need you to come hold the torch for me.”

Elam was taken aback. Just moments ago he had been so firmly against it and now he was asking for details. He couldn’t possibly be thinking of doing something so reckless. What kind of contract could bind him to such ridiculousness?

”Now hold on. You can’t just force him to do something- I- You...”

He stepped forward, confronting her directly but managed to fumble in his words.  

“You’re right...I cannot physically haul him with me. But just watch him make up his own mind, sweetie. He’s a big boy.”

She addressed him as if he was a child. It flared up anger inside of him. Then she turned her attention back to Fen, who seemed to be deep in thought.  

“If you do it, I’ll burn the contract. Last gig you’ll ever have to contractually do with me.” She held out his hand for him to shake. “I swear.”  

Her dishonest smile could not frame the situation better. Elam held his breath at Fen’s decision. Silently, he begged him to not agree to this madness.  

A slight panic rose within him when he saw Fen stretch out his arm to meet hers. He gave a tight squeeze on her hand, maybe a little bit too tight., and let go.  

“When?”

“Tonight, if possible. I’d like to be on my way tomorrow.”

“Fine. I’ll go prepare.”  

”Good boy.”

Fen turned, glanced at Elam quickly. His face didn’t give anything away. He picked up the things from floor and continued up the stairs.  

Elam looked at Maeri and could not hide his contempt. She made a face and struck her tongue out.  

“He was my partner in crime first, I have dibs.”

Ridiculous, this was ridiculous.

Elam stomped up the stairs after Fen. When he reached the room he had already thrown pieces of his light armoring on the bed.  

”What’s in the contract? Why does it bound you to her?”  

He put the books he was holding on top of a dresser next to the doorway, and followed him he rummaged through their bags in a frenzy.

”It’s something she required me to sign all those years ago. To act out in the business and be entitled to the profits. Damn stupid, I know.”

Fen stripped his shirt to change into a thicker one. He secured the hair Elam had braided in the morning tighter.  

”I don’t like this, Fen. You shouldn’t do it.”

He had a bad feeling about all of it. About her. She could hire any mercenary thug to go with her. Why did it have to be Fen?

Fen reached back to the bed and started to put on his armor. He had just a modest chest piece and braces.

“I’ll just go. And that’ll be it. I’ll rip the contract myself. Have it nulled at a notary.”

He grunted as he squeezed the pieces on. Elam walked up to help him with the various buckles. It was time consuming, but he made sure they were tight and secure.  

When he was done he laid his hand upon his arm and sought out his eyes.  

”Then I’ll come with. Those ruins, they are dangerous, I can-”

”No.”  

”No?” Elam scoffed, he couldn’t quite believe it.  

”Stop being ridiculous, I-”

Fen grabbed him by the shoulders.

”If you try to come, I’ll physically knock you out. End of story.”  

He did the final adjustments on his chest piece, then breezed past him, out of the room. Elam turned after him, in disbelief.  

He stood in the messy room, feeling jilted. Then his feet moved on their own after him.  

It was quiet downstairs. The old men at the bar turned their heads at him when he passed, seemingly curious about the commotion they had caused. He hurried out of the door.  

Maeri was in the yard. She had already straddled her mount, a black spotted mare, who hoofed at the dirt impatiently. She was smirking when Fen emerged from the stall with his guar.  

The horizon was starting to show hues of red and orange. The sky was almost cloudless. The night would be bright.  

Elam wrapped his arms around himself. Just this morning, he had felt so carefree. Sleeping in his arms after a long, blissful night. How could one note, one person change Fen’s demeanor so drastically.

Fen hopped on his mount and looked at him, his face sullen. His stern eyes repeated what he said earlier.

“I’ll be back by morning.”

They rode off.

Annoyed, hurt, Elam retreated back inside the inn.

----------

“How dare you be so happy.”

”What?”

”You’re so sappy and in love… Swaying, kissing. Gods, it took everything in my control not to make fun of it.”

Their voices echoed in the tall hallway. Fen rolled his eyes, even though in the darkness Maeri wouldn’t be able to see. She was holding the torch, and had given up one of her short decorated daggers to him. They stood at an entrance to a room beside the ajar stone doors.  

“Yet here we are...”

The ruins were not untouched. Someone, if not many groups had excavated in it before, judging by all the scattered equipment left behind. Maeri had insisted they’d find what they needed despite it.  

Fen didn’t particularly enjoy ruins or delves. They were always moist and musty. Full of critters and creatures, some with a liking to kill anything moving in their way.

She turned a corner and Fen followed. She knew to be careful with her steps, Fen knew as much. Now, he was hoping she would shut her mouth and concentrate on the way.

“Hm... he’s not the first House elf you’ve fornicated with. Definitely the daintiest. Are this one’s poor parents beyond worry somewhere?”

Fen was used to her jabs and insults. He was relieved that Elam wasn’t around to hear or be the target of them anymore. He knew that the moment he would give her something back, she would grasp it with her claws like a languished cliff racer.

This trip didn’t fill him with pleasant nostalgia. But it would be over soon, he repeated it to himself like a mantra.

A vent on the wall clanked as they stepped further into the dusty room. A whizzing spider sentry construct climbed on the floor. Even if they were small, these bastards could do quite the damage with their bladed legs. It noticed them and whirred wildly.

Fen took a steady stance. He focused, gathered energy to coat his arms in electricity. One of the only things he had ever been skilled at was sensing and utilizing static magic energy in the air. He couldn’t make it too potent, but all he had to do was to overcharge the critter to disable it.

Lightning flashed as he aimed. The blow hit its core and it exploded into pieces.

Maeri hummed, impressed. “Can’t say I haven’t missed you blowing up things... and glowing like that.”

Fen scaled the room to attract any lurking spiders before he let his focus on the magic drift. The torch Maeri was holding didn’t illuminate the whole room. She walked along the walls, lifted some gadgets on the tables pushed to them. Browsed around absent-mindedly.

”Your little princeling seems so infatuated, too. Fighting for you, defending you...”  

She continued as she finished her round and came back to Fen with her light. She got close and traced the edge of his armoring.

”It’s so boring when you don’t answer. He’s high born, isn’t he? Of which House?”

Fen swatted her hand off and avoided her eyes. He had no intentions of disclosing information about Elam to her. She was gifted at pestering. Oh, how he regretted ever agreeing to this-

”He’s a Telvanni?” She let out and examined his reaction carefully. Fen wasn’t prepared for her to blurt it out and he frowned.

She gasped and laughed out. “Oh...I know it. Because you avoid me so.”

”By the stinking Three. If only she knew. Does she? This is delicious.”

She couldn’t stop laughing as she walked ahead, into the corridor that lead out of the room.

”You’re so dumb. You should end it bef-”

Fen stomped, reaching his breaking point. Dust lifted up in the air with his foot.

“For once in your life. Can you try not to ruin something. Please. For once.” He spat out, firmly and desperately.

She turned to him, making a face.  

Click.

Their eyes met.

Reacting in half of a second, he kicked her off the plate her toes had barely grazed. The trap, a pendulum hanging from the ceiling activated. He heard it swing in the darkness.

The blade flashed, he evaded back. Barely. It scraped his armor. No, clothes. He fell against the wall with a grunt.  

The trap swung once more and locked back into place.

Raising a hand to his chest hastily, he examined the cut. His head banged, he tasted iron in his mouth.

Blood, red and warm pooled out. A lot of it.

___

Part 1

Part 3

UAAAAAAAyikes

The tankard clanked as it hit the table. Elam let out a satisfied sigh and wiped at his mouth.  

”This ale is better than I expected.”  

Fen nodded, already downing his second one.  

”It tastes sweeter because it’s cheap today.”

When they had arrived to the inn, it had been relatively calm. Now, it seemed the locals had wandered in in steady waves after the sundown and filled the downstairs tavern with lively chatter and glee.  

Elam leaned on his hand and looked around. The people, men, mer and beastfolk alike were laughing and dancing. A band of bards accompanied their merry prancing and drinking. It was the evening of Harvest’s End and the spirits were high.

On the road to the city earlier today, they had passed the naked, freshly reaped fields. Frolicking peasants and children. The air had smelled of crisp hay and crops.

They had chosen a more remote and smaller inn, in hopes of avoiding the centre of hullabaloo. But Elam had guessed they could not escape it completely.

He didn’t mind, though. Watching the celebration brought a smile he couldn’t quite wipe off on his face. Unfortunately, it didn’t change the fact that he was exhausted from travelling, physically and mentally.  

Ravenous, they had discarded their luggage in the room and headed down again to eat their fill. The plates on the table had been empty for a while. The discounted ale had made them stay for longer. And the fact that they could probably not get a quiet night of sleep while the town was full celebratory mood.  

Sitting on the other side of the small table, Fen yawned.  He had stripped his riding leathers earlier in the room, as he always did when opportunity rose, and blended in with the crowd in his loose undershirt. His long hair he had gathered in a messy bun that was threatening to fall apart any second. Watching it, Elam felt an urgent need to braid it.  

He shook off the silly thought. They were both messy and dirty from the road, but tonight, on a night when people migrated straight from farms to bars, such things scarcely mattered.  

Besides, Elam couldn’t deny the scruffy look fit Fen. It was natural and quite irresistible.  The way he slouched so relaxed, the faint stubble on his chin, the casual opening of his shirt, his toned chest below... Much like when they first met. And much like what he used to dream-

“I can go for another round. If you’re up for it.”  

Fen held his tankard, smiling goofily. Elam let out a soft laugh. He looked sleepy and adorable with his droopy eyes, but seemed to be willing to battle his exhaustion.  

Elam decided to join in the battle as well.  

He stood up and held out his hand cordially. “Come.”

Fen put down the tankard and took his hand, frowning doubtfully. “What for?”

“I want to twirl you around.”  

Humming satisfiedly, he pulled the taller mer with him as he approached the area cleared out for dancing. People were swinging by, swept into a brisk group number. Although, he himself wasn’t the most graceful partner on the floor, he knew Fen was never disinclined to dance and guide him.  

As he turned around he saw the smug smirk on his face.  

“Are you sure you are prepared for this?” Fen said, his voice low. He slithered his arm around the small of Elam’s back so smoothly and pulled him snug, raising their connected palms.

Elam giggled out against his shoulder. His feet ached, his body ached, but his heart was so light. They swayed, completely out of the rhythm the band was playing. They were far enough from the other dancers to disregard them. Fen guided them apart and stretched his arms out.

“Twirl me then, I have no energy to do it on my own.”

Elam rose on tiptoes, but still couldn’t reach his arm high enough above him. Fen bent his knees to help, but couldn’t turn around efficiently. Their limbs tangled, Fen’s hair fell out of his bun. As awkward as it was, somehow they succeeded.  

They crashed together again and laughed heartily. Exhilaration filled his heart. Elam slid his arms around his neck and threaded his fingers through Fen’s white hair. It was straggly and unkempt. Something he could fix in the bath next time. He traced his nape and felt himself being pulled into a kiss.

Sounds of the dancing and music faded out as he closed his eyes. So gentle, he was. They swayed and continued to let their lips meet lazily, hazily. Time passed slow.

“We stink.” Fen scrunched up his nose as they came apart. Elam nodded in agreement.  

“I might fall asleep here leaning to you.”  

He sighed pleasedly and sunk his head into to crook of his neck.  

“Bedtime?”

“Bedtime.”

---

An array of passed out people greeted them downstairs in the morning. Or rather the noon, since fatigue had consumed their bodies to rest longer. Even Fen had slept in, lingered in the bed unusually long. After a quick wash-up, they had gone down in search of food, to calm their rumbling stomachs.  

Elam waited at the bar, for the cook to finish their dishes. As she emerged from the kitchen and gave the plates to Elam, she also held out a folded piece of paper.  

“Someone left it for you last night.”

He frowned. “Who was it?”  

The cook shrugged uninterested, and turned back. Elam balanced the plates in his hands and examined the paper. There was a faint “F” scribbled on the side of it.  

He walked back to the table that Fen had reserved.

“I think this is for you.”  

Fen mirrored his confused expression as he took the paper. Neither of them were expecting any mail or acquaintances this far away from Morrowind.  

Above his full plate, Fen carefully unfolded the note. In a matter of seconds, Elam watched his confusion turn into a pained frown. It sparked a seed of worry inside him.

“Shit. Crap. Fuck.” Fen chanted curses, one by one. He crumpled the paper in his fist and looked hopeless. Elam waited for his explanation baffled.  

“We need to leave this place as soon as possible.”  

“Why? What’s going on?”  

He flinched as Fen hit his fist on the table. The plates jingled.  

“It’s... Maeri. By some twisted, fucked up miracle. Of all the places-” He leaned back on the chair and inhaled heavily. His lips crooked in mockery happiness. “She wants to meet.”

Elam observed his desperation. “Byla’s daughter... right? Can’t you just tell her you don’t wish to meet?”  

Fen had told him about his past, obviously. About his years of travelling with the mage Byla and later of his more nefarious adventures with Maeri. In those stories, he didn’t talk of her very admirably and said he’d be better off not knowing most of the details.  

Fen met his eyes. His pained expression deepened.

“She’ll find me anyway. She has something planned. Vivec’s musty toes- I swear.”  

Elam watched him crumple the note further in frustration. He couldn’t deny being curious about its contents.

“Well, no matter what, we still need to eat-” He pointed at the plates ahead of them, the food cooling by the minute. “-and replenish our supplies. That’ll take half the day.”

He grabbed his fork. “You know I was hoping to find a new magnifying glass as well... Since you sat on the one I had...”

“Need you leave it on a sittable rock?!” Fen threw the note on the table and crossed his arms, still slouching back on the chair.  

Elam had rarely seen him so agitated and tense. If this Maeri truly was so forceful, all they had to do was avoid her. He didn’t mind leaving this town earlier than planned, but he didn’t want to leave unprepared.

He nudged Fen under the table with his foot and signed with his fork toward the plates of food.  

“Let’s finish and go, then.”

—

Part 2

“No, do it like this.” he pushed the other mer’s fingers away from the buckles of the saddle moderately gently. Fen’s patience wasn’t thin, he was just anxious to get a move on. They had been coddled up in that inn for the better part of the week and being stuck at close quarters had certainly had its effect on them. Or on him.

The sun was only just creeping up from behind the meek hills of Riften countryside. The dawn’s chill made their breath fog in clouds. It had not been a snowy night, but the hay beneath their feet crackled from frost with each step.

Elam stood next to his guar, looking a bit defeated after being fussed away from the saddle. Fen gave him a glance as he finished with the belt. The mer swayed on his boots, crackling the hay, his hair still messy from bed and eyes full of sleep, not looking at Fen showing him the fastening technique.

“There. Not too tight.” The taller mer murmured and patted the gentle guar’s flank as he circled around it to his own mount. The animal snorted in response to seeing him. Fen smiled and walked to the other side to dig up a treat from the waist satchel. Both guars, recognizing the sound and smell of a treat turned their maws eagerly to his hand and followed it

“Alright, alright, settle down will you.” he made sure both got enough to be satisfied, then looked up to see Elam quite annoyed, holding some vials from the saddle pack, whatever he was doing interrupted by the snack-hungry guar moving to Fen. He walked back up to the mounts, pouting his lips in a thin line.

Fen finished fasting his guar’s reins and the baggage as silence lingered around them, just as oppressively as the chill digging into their bones.

“You got everything?” Fen started, trying not to sound too impatient and moved a step ahead both brindles in his hand. The guar instinctively moved with him, anticipating to ride out. His and their minds were already on the road, in getting out of here, changing the scenery.

“No... wait,” Elam muttered suddenly, fumbling with the packs “I think I left some of my samples in the trunk.” In a whim he was heading back toward the inn.

“Oh, come on...” Fen whined out, not as neutrally as he had planned and the tone of his voice made Elam stop in his tracks.

A breeze blew through the yard, lifting some frost in a whirl, the particles sparkling in the rising sun.

“What is your deal today? W-what's the rush?” Elam turned around, the hem of his cloak flapping in the wind. He yanked it against his body in frustration.

Fen shrugged and held up the brindles. He gave a Elam a look of indifference, which seemed to piss the other mer off even more. Elam scowled in response. “You are pestering me for no reason, and I won’t have it.”  he stomped to the doorway. “Not this early in the morning.”

As he disappeared inside the inn, Fen tucked his furry topcoat on tighter and hopped on his mount. It was early indeed. But not too early for him. He had always enjoyed living through mornings. In the brothel where he grew up it was the only time there was quiet, the only time he had for himself. He used to sneak into the madam’s office to steal fresh sheets of parchment paper to later doodle on, or climb on the upstairs porch to scare away the sleepy pigeons. Make sure all the girls, and his mother were safely back in their beds.

The guar snorted expectantly. Fen leaned forward on the saddle and petted its warm skin. He was ready to go but it was pointless to rush Elam, he knew as much.

Last night, after the other had already cosily fell asleep under the sheets, a thought had come to him. A kindling panic in his heart, of too much constancy. Not about Elam, who so sweetly had nestled against his chest. Never about him. Just of the circumstances, and his own standing.

Maybe.

Usually, he could escape the feeling of uncertainty by just telling himself he was indeed doing something worthwhile. He didn’t have that feeling on the road, that’s why he needed to go. To just go and not think.

The door to the inn swung open once more, and Elam exited, not carrying anything new. He was pouting slightly. Fen didn’t comment anything. He reached out his arm when Elam got up to his guar to get up.

Hesitating for a second, he grabbed his hand in support. On the mount he urged it to move on without a word.

Fen followed him shortly after, a little surprised by the hasty take-off.

 -

 A quarter hour into the journey, Fen’s mount got fuzzy. Maybe the cold made it act out, not wanting to keep up the steady canter. He decided to reach for the satchel again, to encourage the guar with a treat. It always worked.

His hand halfway into the bag he yelped, cursing all the living gods. Something had cut his hand inside the bag. Sharp enough to draw blood, that was now streaming down his sleeve.

Elam, who was riding in the front, still giving a cold shoulder to him, came to a stop at his cuss.

“What happened?”

He urged his guar to turn around. Fen held his hand up and peeked into the satchel – broken glass. Some empty vials must have broken. Fen bit his teeth. The cut wasn’t serious, but wide.

Elam reached his side. “That needs cleaning.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” he waved it off.

“No, it’s obviously not fine. Come off here, you obstinate nix-ox.” Elam jumped off and guided his guar to the side of the road. Fen obliged, gruntingly.

He followed him to the side, where by some surfaced roots of an oak tree, Elam was getting some medical supplies out of the bags. Fen sat down on one of the big roots, and loosened the sleeve of his jacket to hinge it up.

Elam kneeled beside him, holding a scrap bandage and a vial of disinfectant. “Why are you hurrying so? I thought we agreed there’s no point going to Hammerfell this early in the winter.”

He grabbed Fen’s hand in slight irritation and examined the cut. He still looked interrupted from sleep.

“Well, there was no point in staying in that inn.”

“Why? I liked it. The keeper didn’t mind the little mess I always leave behind.”

Elam carefully wiped off the blood on the skin and loosened the cork of the little bottle, to clean the wound. The wind hoisted up the frost again and swept it across their faces. Elam’s fingers were cold on his skin. Fen wondered if the other had remembered to put on an underlayer in the hurry.

The thought from before tugged at his heart. They were on the road, finally again. He wouldn’t have to say it.

“It’s like you’re trying to settle down... or something.”

He said it not looking at Elam, knowing if he would look at him know he would only see hurt and confusion. He knew it from the way Elam retreated his fingers and just stopped. Fen gulped down something stuck in his throat. The horizon was bright and distant. His heart burned terribly.

Elam shifted, let his hands fall into his lap. The moment was still.

“Would it be that bad?”

His answer was achingly quiet. Filled with so much hidden doubt and sadness. Fen anticipated it. But not its implication.

“No… I mean.” He trailed off and frowned. When he turned back to Elam, he was facing down. The whole situation made Fen grimace. He needed to get his point across and this feeling out of him.

He stood up, holding the bandage Elam had almost finished twisting around his arm. The cut wasn’t bleeding out anymore, maybe because it was so cold. Snow began falling off branches the oak, that his movement had stirred.

He sighed and faced the sun.

“Were we to set down for good, I would have to make up a whole new life for myself.”

A pause. Flakes of frost fell around them.

“But I’m no good at anything. I never was…That’s why I was just a petty thief, a dumb bodyguard. I have no trade or skill.”

The shrug of his shoulders was weak. He wanted to let out a pitiful snort. This reminded him of something that Byla had asked a long time ago.

‘What are you doing for yourself in this life?’

How frustrating that it was getting under his skin this whole time. That she had been suggesting right all along.

“I’ve failed settling down before because ultimately, I felt useless, inept.” He choked out.

It was something he had escaped thinking for a long time. Maybe once, he had had great ideas, of joining a House guard, maybe Ordinators, do something respectful his mother could be proud of. Topple his birth circumstances, climb up a latter out of the gutters.

Becoming an erudite mage and honing his skills with Byla. Had he worked harder, made her proud, paid her back for all she did for him. Not disappointed her by abandoning it all.

Committing to the business with Maeri. Learning the trade, no matter how shady it was. He couldn’t pretend to have a high moral standing. Not chickening out at the last minute and screwing everything up.

He had given it all up. Because it didn’t feel right. But what felt right for him?

“On the road… I can just be on the road. It’s simple.”

Elam strode up, visibly more heated than before. “What nonsense. How can you say you are not skilled, when you amaze me every day with your skill? You have taught me so much-”

“It’s nothing I can build on.” He turned around to face Elam.

“You… your path will take you so far. Distinguished family, a respected position in the House goddamn Telvanni…all of your brilliant ideas. In what world could I be any use to you? Are we going to open a brothel? Because that’s all I can know jack about.”

Elam, who had reacted to his retelling with a series of frowns, splayed his arms wide open astounded.

“I can’t believe I have to explain this to you – I don’t base your value on how useful you are to me, okay? Have we not established that?”

Fen shook his head and huffed, desperately, ridiculously, defeated.

“I get it. I know. But it will be the same. No matter what I do.”

Why was it so much easier to not have anything stable? It had been easy to avoid this before. Their journey, their pace, it had fit him. He hadn’t need to worry about tomorrow. Meeting Elam had truly been the best part of his life and yet-

“So you’ve tried me, failed me, and now you’ll give up on me?”

Fen shot his eyes to him, with sudden trepidation. But Elam went on frantically.

“Except no, you haven’t even tried. You’re speculating and spiraling. You’re unsure. Who isn’t at some point of their life? Do I not doubt myself all the time? I would even more without you. But you just have to try and try again. So sure, try to open up a brothel, for all I care. Let’s try together.”

He stopped for breath, a moment to compose himself.

“I’m in no rush. I hate to rush.” Elam seemed almost pleading.

Fen knew all he was saying made sense. He knew it deep within. Still, confronting it felt overbearing.

“It all… this all scares the shit out of me.” Fen let out and covered his face with his hand.

Elam stepped closer, his harsh expression melting away. He reached out, took Fen’s hands in his. His fingers were still cold. He ran his thumb along the untangled bandage, and the small wound. His red eyes were on him. So glossy and bright. He felt his own eyes wet at the edges.

Their fingers intertwined.

“Look. Together somewhere, we could do so much. I want a home, I want a place to set my roots. A big library. A study with a glassed greenhouse. A stable for our guars to rest in. But I…” Elam trailed off and held his in his fingers lightly. He looked down, and Fen knew he was blushing.

“I wish to have it with you.”

After a moment, Elam lifted his gaze shyly. Fen felt a tight squeeze in his heart. A painful longing, just seeing the way Elam was looking at him, so stunning, so vulnerable. So understanding and patient. His love.

Maybe he would never figure out his passion. Maybe his life didn’t really need to have a spectacular way or destination.

Looking at Elam, he slowly began to realize, maybe he had it already.

He could barely muster a whisper.

“You would have me? Even if I’m nothing?

The frost had ceased falling. The sun was warming up. Elam frowned, his face twisting in disbelief and a smile. He slid his arms around Fen’s neck under the coat and gently pulled him close.

“You’re plenty.” His voice lowered into a whisper as well, but a firm one. “Don’t you dare think otherwise.”

Fen hummed, the fur lining of Elam’s hood tickling his cheek, his breath warm against his neck. He brought his hands around the shorter mer, snug against his back where they belonged, holding him tight. He could exhale the foulness in his thoughts right there and then. Banish any doubts about wanting this future.

He lifted his head to look at him once more, and Elam let him loose. The tips of their noses touched satin light.

“Then…not today? But someday? Somewhere?”

Speculation, reassurance, safety and home.

Elam nodded and smiled sweetly. 

“I like the sound of that.”

  ----

It had been two weeks now.  They had reached Vivec city last night past midnight and passed out in the comfort of the moderately soft inn beds. Elam breathed in the salty breeze of the ocean before him. It was a brilliant and sultry morning of late summer. The faint smells from the fish market, the lively chatter of the town, it all made his head feel oddly light although his heart was torn asunder.

Fen had agreed to come with him. He had hesitated to ask, hesitated about many things. Oh, what a wonderful two weeks they had had indeed. Taking it all for granted is what he hesitated about.  

Elam had never planned to stay in Molag Mar that long.  His plans had been thrown out the window about day and a half after meeting the other dunmer. After collecting up his courage to knock on the door on the second night he got to know him. After a fortnight of deepening that knowledge in ways he had never quite explored or known possible before.  

And now he shuddered in self-doubt, leaning onto the railing of the canton, sun bright and askew above his head. What was he afraid of even? There was no promise, no expectation. He had simply suggested, and Fen had agreed.

To travel together. On his research journey.  A journey with no clear goal or destination in sight. That fact he had forgotten to mention to Fen. Not that he had even questioned it. Why hadn’t he questioned it?  

Elam sighed shakily, clenching his fists together before him on the railing. What if Fen thought he had only asked him to join him on the journey to Vivec? He cursed silently. Cursed his own awkwardness and ability to bungle up even the simplest things.  

He turned around, looking around for anything to distract him from his dreadful thoughts. Guards and canton tenants passed him, without even a glance. Acolytes paced back and forth around the Temple Compound, ever so diligent in their tasks. Even if his eyes would have found something, his mind and heart were completely occupied with something else.  

In his chest, there was a burn that made him anxious and fidgety. He had felt it for while now. Usually he could sit down and focus on a book for hours uninterrupted. Delving deep into the teachings in the texts made him feel pure and uncontained joy – but this thing, whatever it was, made it impossible for him to concentrate. Or to have clear thoughts.  

He breathed in and swallowed another curse. It was fine. All he had to do was ask Fen again, confirm that they had indeed had the same thought. It would be all solved with a simple conversation. Why he dreaded it so?  

This is what he hated – feeling entirely frustrated and foolish at the same time. There was absolutely no reason he should be this worked up about the situation. Elam straightened himself up and started stepping down the walkway.  There was no way around it, the problem, only the way straight at it.  

With determination he made his feet move toward the crafters market. Fen had left the room early, mentioning some business he had to take care of there. They had promised to meet around. The thoughts took over Elam again. Maybe he had indeed only agreed to come to Vivec under the guise of that business, whatever it was.  

There was a lump in his throat and the hectic rhythm of his heart matched his rigid steps.  A wave of gloominess washed over him suddenly. It made him slow down his walk. Was he prepared to hear an answer he didn’t wish to hear? He pursed his lips.  

Having reached his destination, Elam glanced around the market in search of a white head of hair.  They should have agreed on a time, the market was as busy as any trading center on a weekday morning.  Just as it was starting to feel like an impossible task, he spotted Fen. He was deep in barter with a grocer, only a few stalls away from Elam.  

He looked at Fen. His long locks of hair, his tall frame and proud, unsullied face. He thought of his gentle hands and playful mouth, his strong arms and warm chest. He thought of those countless silly things he had whispered into his ear at wee hours. How secure and good it had felt to tangle his fingers into his own for the night. He looked at him and his heart ached.

And then he thought – how could he possibly let go of something that had consumed him this completely?  

He wasn’t prepared, and he wouldn’t let it happen. Almost shaking, Elam stepped into his line of sight.  

Looking up exactly at the right time, Fen saw him and smiled. He finished the trade with the merchant and wobbled toward Elam with his arms full of things.  

“There you are. Didn’t run away yet, I see.” he said while walking up to Elam, who suddenly felt frozen in the spot. He tried to smile up to Fen, as naturally as possible.  “I went to find Maeri in the Refugee, but she wasn’t there.” the white-haired mer explained, still fumbling with the pile of apples he had just bought.  

“Said she’s been gone for days. So I had to leave a letter, and it took me a while to come up with enough insults to fill the paper.” Fen guffawed and kneeled down and resumed to stuff all of his purchases into one bag. It all fit, expect for one apple that he flipped in the air, caught and bit down on ravenously.

“Maeri?” Elam asked faintly, squeezing his hands together hard behind his back. Keeping his eye on the apple rather than the other mer.  

“Yesh.” Fen said, mouth full, in between bites. “Y’know. The one who owns the... shack. In Molag Mar.” he frowned for a second. “Now that I think about it, I don’t actually know if she owns it or anythin’.”

People passed by them, left and right, but Elam felt isolated and suffocated at the same time. He breathed out shakily, anxious to blurt the question out. The other mer was too occupied on his own to notice his nervousness.  

“So... she wants it back, or?” he asked, not really concerned with the shack at all.  

Fen looked up to him, biting the apple. “Well, I hope not, after what we did with the place.” he chortled with amusement.  Elam let out a feeble laugh. Fen stood up, flinging the bag over his shoulder, adjusting to its weight, but then let it fall to the ground again. He was watching Elam now, observantly.

“No, but I told her that it will be vacant again from now on. Seemed like the polite thing to do.” he shrugged, tossed the gnawed apple core over his shoulder and looked the shorter mer straight into his eyes.  

Elam’s heart thudded empty in his chest for a few beats. Then he inhaled-

“Y-you did? I mean- You want-” he jolted forward, in haze of over-exhilaration, grabbing the front of Fen’s vest in his fists. He let go a second later, and leaned away. Blushing, fumbling. “I m-mean...”  

“Want to what? Join you on your trip?” Fen filled in, lifting his brow amusedly. “I said yes, didn’t I? Isn’t it why we’re here together?”

“Yes. Yes, quite... right.” Elam fidgeted some more. “I just... wasn’t sure. Sure you had thought what I had thought, about journeying around and...”  

Fen cupped his face patiently. Elam felt his face was red hot under his cooler palms. The gesture should have calmed him, since he could no longer fidget in the spot, but instead it made his heart race even faster.  

“You have too many thoughts.” Fen said, now quite close to his face. “I’ve had some good times with you. I’m not about to let them end anytime soon.” he smiled and placed a soft, slow kiss on Elam’s lips. Elam instinctively brought his hands up to the ones holding his face. He was about to explode in the sweetness of it all.  

Fen leaned back, let go and slid his arms to pull Elam snug against his chest. Elam sighed in defeat and wrapped his own arms around Fen, only a little cautiously. He then proceeded to exhale exaggeratedly.  

Extensive blush was still covering his face. He was embarrassed and relieved. There, in the middle of a crowded marketplace, in the embrace of Fen, he felt so stupidly lucky to have it all. To have it all ahead of him and them. He wanted desperately to learn how the other mer felt, too.

“You have dumb thoughts! You are having them right now. I will squeeze until they pop out of your brain.” Fen squeezed Elam playfully until he complained. Then they detached and smiled at each other.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry. I’m a fool. No more over-thinking. I’m just going to... let it be. ”

“You are forgiven, for being an adorable fool.” Fen smirked.

“But seriously,” he continued “let’s get going soon. I hate this place, I feel like the two-colored baldy is stalking my every move. ” 

Elam shook his head and chuckled, ignoring his casual blasphemy. “I need to see if I can find some books I need in the library.” He looked back at the cantons. Their stone shined like dull bronze in the direct sunlight.

“Remember, we can’t eat books. I bought some supplies and food for the road.” Fen squatted down and patted the grocery bag on the ground. “Some drinks too, of course.”

“Good... then I’ll go now, to the library. Meet you at the inn?”

“I’ll meet you alright.”  

----