Oct 26, 2018
Why is it that whenever I cry I feel weak, yet when other people cry I’m like “wow omg you trust me enough to show your true emotions! I love you💕💖💗💓💞💝💕💛💘❤️💖”?
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Why is it that whenever I cry I feel weak, yet when other people cry I’m like “wow omg you trust me enough to show your true emotions! I love you💕💖💗💓💞💝💕💛💘❤️💖”?
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Please dont wreckit my heart #lamepun #feelingsarestupid
Currently. #romonaflowers #thefeels #feelingsarestupid
#feelingsarestupid #heartofgold #hatethis
I wouldn't mind being drunk right now actually.
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just need to have a wee feelings rant after a shitty day <3
Its okay to feel lonely. right now i feel so god dam fucking lonely. i mean you see on facebook all those groups of girls who go out and hang out all the time like randomly rock up to each others houses just because they wanna see each other, i see that all the time, i see it when they break up with boyfriends these girls give each other flowers and watch movies and ask how they are and genuinely have fun and care about each other. I want a group of friends (wow that sounds really sad) but i want to have bestfriends. My boyfriend (recently ex boyfriend) was my bestfriend and my only friend after losing a lot of friend over the last few years out of high school i learnt how to be happy with being by myself but it was all an act i mean who doesn't want friends haha? To this day my ex is still the best friend iv ever had. we were together for almost a year and a half and broke up a few weeks ago, we were no longer good together but that doesn't mean i still don't love him with all my heart, yes it was my call but i miss him and i not only lost my boyfriend but i lost my best friend and now i have no one. i have friends that i see at course and every now and then but i don't have best friends and it kills me. I feel so lonely and i should be okay with myself but its hard when your not good enough for anyone else. I just want to have people in my life that genuinely want to see me and will come help cheer me up because god dammit it i fucking miss him and i just want to cry and cry and yes right now i do want friends to help me feel okay and to give me a hug but i don't and it makes everything ten times harder.
Thinking.
They say that when you're up at night thinking of someones it's because that person is up thinking of you too. Godamn, I would really appreciate it if you would stop thinking of me. It's too much, and it makes me feel like I'm going insane. I know it's just me. I know its one sided.... but that little 2% of hope is ringing me along telling me it's you. That this is all because you're in bed wondering what I'm doing or where I'm at, or pondering over the thought that I'm thinking of you too. It's one big mind fuck, because I want to believe it's true... But I know it's not.. But I want it to be. I hope it is. And maybe it's not you... maybe it's just my loneliness craving and finding a face to put upon the feeling of want. What the fuck is all this nonsense.. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just know that I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of feeling in general so fucking bad. The pit of my chest and stomach can't take it. It's a terrible thing to feel. So fucking dramatic and over what? I just want to fast forward to the part where I've become completely numb to all of this bullshit.
Confession time...
I still have feelings for Ben.
I am not just confessing this to tumblr but to myself..
I did not want to believe it, and pushed them away for so long, told myself we could just be friends, that it meant nothing anymore. But that is all a big lie.
He is the man I saw myself marrying. After the first date I knew I could love him. We talked with such ease, he felt like home, and he fit perfectly into my little life.
I still feel that way. An entire year later through little conversations here and there and snapchats through out the days I still somehow feel so close to him and connected to him.
He hurt me so badly. I shouldn't trust him or feel the way I do but I just do. He left me for Georgia but I don't hold it against him. Sure, I wish he made a different choice or would realize the mistake he made but I forgive him.
He will always be in my heart and it's driving me insane.
Everytime we talk I want to tell him everything and I want him to tell me he feels it too. I want to know that he still thinks about me and that he still wants that life.
I would confess it all to him right now but he's so damn stubborn that I guarantee he would ignore it or try to turn what I say into something much less meaningful. Just deny it himself like I did for a year.. but I wish he would just acknowledge it if anything. Just acknowledge that it happened and that it was amazing and that it could happen in the future.
I don't want to give up on his dreams and come back for me but I just want a little recognition. I don't need him to make promises to visit, or calls everyday.. I just want his heart. Even if we couldn't be together physically we could still share something great.
He was so passionate about living and loving that I can't imagine anyone else having that same fervency for life!
I'm crazy for thinking it, but somehow I'm still hopeful that one day we will actually end up together.. I just don't see myself with anyone else.