#feel trapped

The how of choosing

Thank you for watching, reading, and listening to TaoCraft Short Sip Tarot. I’m glad you are here. Today’s card is the Eight of Swords. When you are between a rock and a hard place, the choice may not be between options as much as the method of choosing. Choose whether to let your heart or your head lead the way. With that clear in your mind, there is a better chance that the rest will fall…

Ranting here cuz i have no one to talk to about it. Rest of the family and few friends I have, all have enough crap and stress going on I don't want to put this on them too. Plus I suck at communicating as well and opening up, terrified of being seen as annoying or someone who only focuses on the negative and bad stuff.

Along with other previous issues and new ones, some recent revelations from both, I seriously doubt they'll still be together much longer. They have their doubts as well, which just makes me worry more. And I hate that my brain goes to worrying about myself. I live with them, we all work together, and if they split I'll most likely again be relegated to the role of supportive sister who has to suppress all her own issues to help others deal with theirs. Plus their house is on his family land so we'll have to find somewhere else to live, and who knows how the job stuff will work.

And they're terrifying the poor dogs with all the yelling. And my anxiety is off the fuckin charts but I've got to sit here and pretend I don't notice, keep my face and such from reacting.

God they're both idiots.

He's pushy and loud, she's dismissive and refuses to actually try to talk. They both bring up shit from the past. They both exaggerate and overreact and seemingly deliberately misinterpret the other.

They're literally just like my parents (who finally officially divorced end of 2019 after what, 26 and a half years? They tortured each other and us kids for SO LONG and still do to an extent ugh) I hate that I've seen this from the start and it fucking sucks cuz they've been married for almost 8 years and it hasn't gotten any better 😑

I only live with them cuz my life went to shit and didn't have another option (besides going back to my dad's house and I'd rather live in my car, thanks). And this sister is essentially my best friend.

I'm distracting myself with fanfiction and pinterest and Tumblr and dissociation. Not really working, hence this post. Doubt anyone will see or read but that's fine, not why I did it. Needed this off my chest so I can breathe a bit.