Lost
Okay so...I was going to write the third fic for the memory loss AU/series...but then I started talking with @meldy-arts (partly based on an ask she got) and we ended up talking about another take on Ezra loosing his memory. (an AU of an AU? xD)
In this one, he not only looses his memory, but also his arm (though he isn’t paralyzed), and it’s all too overwhelming that he just runs away and hides. I was planning on just writing something short but...it kind of became longer than I planned. It also has Kanan and Ezra fluff because you can never have too much space dad and space son interaction.
Fic below the cut:
Ezra’s body ached. His head buzzed. The air around him felt thin. Or his chest felt tight. Maybe both. People called out his name, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t see them again, couldn’t look at all of those faces he didn’t know. The feeling of their hugs still scared him. In the back of his mind he knew they were there to help him. They knew him. But logic had no ruling in his mind right now. Fear. Confusion. Pain. Those were the only things that he felt, that he understood right now. And they left him in a pit of anxiety and despair. He wrapped his arms…no his arm around his body. He only had one now. He didn’t know what happened, didn’t know where he was, what he was doing here. Nothing made sense and he just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear from the world.
So that’s what he had done. Or at least the closest thing he could find. A small supply closet full of old rags and cleaning supplied. Despite the pain, he had pulled away from the hugs, from the noise, the confusion and he ran. Ran and ran until he couldn’t, and then he had pulled himself inside this unfamiliar room and curled up behind as many supplies as he could find.
Only once the shock and adrenaline died was he truly left with his emotions. And if he had realized how strong they were he might have rather faced the confusion of people…almost. But at least now he could think -even if that thinking tightened his chest and made tears build up in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry. Sobs made noise and he couldn’t face those strangers again, not like this, not when he was barley even holding onto any semblance of sanity. His body didn’t comply with his willpower however, so he held his body close and let the tear fall, let the sobs wrack his body even as he tried to dim their noise.
Everything hurt. Nothing made sense. And Ezra didn’t know how he would ever be okay.
Time wasn’t apparent to Ezra. He didn’t know how long he laid curled up in that closet, but when the door slid open, he froze, tried to hold in the hiccups that only came from true sadness.
A moment passed and the door closed. Ezra relaxed, only to freeze up again as a light turned on, and a voice spoke.
“Ezra, I know you are in here.”
It was a deep voice. One that should have sacred Ezra, but there was something about the rumbling, the calmness, that penetrated the ball of emotion welled up in Ezra’s chest.
“I know you are scared. And I know…I know you don’t know what’s going on, I know you can’t remember anything. I don’t know why, but…” the voice became louder as the man crouched down closer to Ezra’s level. And as Ezra lifted a dirty sheet from his face, he saw the man. He had been with the others, but he had been the only one not to try and hug him. His eyes were glassy, yet they still seemed to focus on him. He could almost see the kindness in them. “…I can promise you, Ezra, you are safe.”
Ezra wanted to believe the man, he wanted to believe he was safe, that he would be okay, but everything was still so scary, so strange. He didn’t understand what was going on, he didn’t want to be this way. Broken, lost, unable to distinguish who he was and wasn’t supposed to know.
“My name is Kanan. I know you don’t remember me, Ezra. And I’m not mad at you for it. I know it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you for anything. But I am here for you, Ezra, if you want anything, need anything.”
He knew. He understood. Something about his calm demeanor, the assurance he gave Ezra, and the way he crouched there, not opposing, not blocking Ezra but simply getting on his level - it eased Ezra’s fear.
“How…how did I know you?” Ezra asked, surprised at how weak and unstable his voice sounded, even if it did reflect how he felt.
Kanan’s eyes shifted for a moment, as if he was trying to figure out how to answer, then his sightless gaze returned to Ezra. “I’m a mentor of sorts…but more than that. All of those people out there that you saw. We are all a part of a crew, though we are more than a crew. We’re almost like a family. That’s why they were so worried about you.”
A family…a family Ezra didn’t remember. So many people he was confusing, he was worrying. People he didn’t want to upset. If they knew…how would they react?
“Do…did…did you tell them…?” Ezra tried to form the question, tried to get the words out, but fear choked out his voice and he held his body a little closer.
“They don’t know you lost your memory. I haven’t told them.” A semblance of a frown grew on Kanan’s face, but it wasn’t directed at Ezra. “And if it helps, I won’t tell them until you are ready. And when you are just let me know and I’ll be right there, to tell them or to be with you if you want to tell them.”
Tears built up in Ezra’s eyes. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was Kanan’s kindness. Maybe it was the realization that Kanan understood. Or maybe it was relief that he didn’t have to deal with this alone. All he knew was that once again, tears were falling down his face, and the hiccups that had been slowly dying down started up again. And then something else happened that Ezra didn’t quite understand. He flung himself at Kanan and held onto him so tight, as if he was the only thing anchoring him to this world. It was as if something deep down had broken apart and he just knew he could trust Kanan. Not only with his memory, but with his confusion, with his hurt and fear. As if a connection had been made between them. One that was stronger than it should be, because it had been built up over years. As this realization washed over Ezra, he held onto Kanan even tighter, and in turn the arms that had wrapped around him gently pulled him closer.
“It’s okay, Ezra, it’s okay. You will be okay, I promise.”
A few hours ago, those words hadn’t comforted Ezra. They felt like a fake chant. But now, as he held onto the only person he felt safe with, he knew they were true. Or at least they could be true. And that was far more reassuring than the fear he faced without it. So he believed them.
