#fe loop

When it comes to the types I’m confused about, it’s between ESTP and ESFP. At the start I was considering ExxP types, but I ruled out Ne, because I never really drove any enjoyability from abstract things or possibilities, I really care about sensation and yeah, to directly experience the world around me.

I’m 22 and my therapist and study counsellor at university are both almost sure I have ADHD, but I do not have an official diagnosis so I might not have it. A previous therapist suggested I could have OCD, but again, only “maybes” as I never followed up because the diagnosis are quite expensive. But what I am sure about is that my auxiliary function is underdeveloped. Actually, I think all my functions are immature.

And I’m really sorry for the length, I just wanted to make sure that I got everything and maybe with your answer it’ll help someone else too I hope.

Dominant Se: For Se as my dominant function, all my life I’ve been driven by this need to experience the world, to see it, to try everything basically. Throughout my life I have done an incredibly amount of things, a jack of all trades but a master of none basically. It kind of drove my mother insane and I understand, I mean one year your taking your kid to gymnastics, the next it’s ballet, then karate, horse-riding, ice-skating, salsa, convinced a history teacher to start an extracurricular club about global folklore, guitar lessons, the local orchestra, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, scouts.

The thing about that is that I really just want to experience things, I’d hear about something and suddenly I’d be there trying it out, only to quit because I got bored and found something that piqued my interest even more.

And in some ways I’m still like that, especially in relationships. I’ve always been like this, I’d find someone I liked, we’d date, then “Oh, who’s that??” and there I went. Which I hate honestly, I know that everything in my life is only temporary, whenever I like something or someone, I know that it’s only a matter of time until I lose interest and get something else.

And I do feel a serious need to participate in everything, just this week we had a presentation and I’m always the presenter because I love and I’m pretty good and quick on my feet to respond to any unexpected questions by the teachers or jury. But this time, a classmate wanted to try it out and I let him, and I did not thing that I would get as worked up as I did. Not in jealousy or anything but because I NEEDED to do something, I was literally shaking in my seat and twitching like a rabid dog or something. I was just so full of energy to participate and it was so hard to sit still, so hard. And when the questions came, omg, I almost stood up, my friend had to literally put his hand on my shoulder and put pressure to stop me from standing up. It’s not like I mean or think to stand up, my body just does it. The amount of times I’ve done things without thinking, just jumping into anything. I even volunteered to be the first to present a project to investors because my arm shot up after the teacher finished asking the class. I have almost no impulse control. Even when crossing the road, I look both sides and see a car and my body just goes ahead either way, I know there’s time, but still omg.

I also agree to things really easily, just yesterday I agreed to do a reiki table reading magical thingy or something I guess even though I don’t really care about any of that but it sounded interesting.

And with everything I wrote under, it’s kinda easy to understand that It’s like I go any way the wind blows in that current moment, no matter any thoughts or decisions I had made beforehand. I feel like all my life I’m like a goblin just picking up any shiny object and then immediately spotting a shinier one and going “Oh! ANOTHER ONE!”, in an endless cycle. But, then sometimes, I can get away from the current moment, and catch myself, but I’m just immediately pulled in again. I never catch myself for long enough for it to stay with me and help me change my behaviour.

Inferior Ni: An event that really stuck with me was when I was finishing Highschool, I was suddenly hit so hard with the fact that I would have to pick something that would last me three years to complete. I went crazy, I felt like I was actually doomed. Mainly because after a whole life of jumping around everything, I never stayed anywhere long enough to know if I liked it or not, I never really developed my inner world. I still struggle with that. I feel empty sometimes, like a hollow person I guess, I was really down at that time, it’s like I was nothing. And it hurt even more because my memories and past experiences don’t really mean almost anything to me, like they don’t exist anymore, I’m only who I am now, and because my attention is grabbed so easily, I couldn’t even predict what I would like. I can’t even tell you what I will do in 10 minutes, even if I have a very important appointment, there is a 50% chance that I’ll be doing literally anything else. Two days ago I had an important prototype showing at school, but when the time it was starting I was already half way across the country to attend a Master’s Degree info session about a program I wasn’t even interested in anymore.

Auxiliary Ti: And how I got into the degree I currently am in? Well, after finishing Highschool I took a gap year and became a lifeguard, which I loved, but hated how most beachgoers are really dense. What I did love was the world around me, the sand, the sea, the sun, I loved every second of it, especially at the end of the summer when the wind was horrible and the sand was getting dragged so fast it literally scratched your skin.

But the other thing I loved most about being a lifeguard was training to be one. The late hours practicing in the pool, the difficult scores we had to reach. It was beautiful, I felt so alive. And when I got my diploma, I was sad. I was so sad, because the training was over, there was no reason to keep pushing myself so hard, it really hurt.

And I’ve always been like this. Even now with exams, I always wait until I’m as close to the deadline as possible to start working just so I can feel some adrenaline. I love being stressed, and sometimes I even create situations just to get my blood pumping. And then I study so hard, and when I receive my good grades, I’m sad. I’m supposed to be celebrating being stress free and having gotten good grades, but those moments are so horrible.

I hate achieving things. I like training for them, practicing, working on my skills, my stroke, my butterfly technique, getting my self to do just a few more meters under water each time. It’s the part where I’m pushing myself that I like, but when I finally do one more pool underwater, it feels empty, and then I immediately start thinking on how I can push myself even further, get better. One thing that I regret, is that I never stuck with a sport long enough to actually compete in the Olympics, I know it sounds dumb, but I know I could push myself that hard, but I also know that I wouldn’t be interested long enough to push myself hard in the same sport.

Even my parents garage, it’s full with a sea of tools from hobbies and skills that I get so interested in and do amazing things with, but never stay on the same skill for more then a year. I always loved tinkering with tools and making stuff, I even made myself parallel bars and a pull up bar when I was younger with some soldering tools my uncle had.

Tertiary Fe: When my gap year finished and it was time to pick my degree, I still had no idea, but the day before the final day of enrolment I met up with a few friends and one of them was telling me about how their going to study cinema and it piqued my interest and then I enrolled in that as well even though I really had never thought about that option and I wasn’t really interested ever but I did want to try it for some reason. And then I quit because it was so boring.

The situation where, I got interested in studying cinema wasn’t only because it piqued my interest but also because my friend really got to me in a way. And after I quit that one, I had to pick another one, my family really wants me to have a degree because they had difficult lives as farmers and they wanted me to have a better life then they did, and they always told me to pick something that I loved so much that it would feel like I never had to work a day in my life, so I felt a lot of pressure to pick the “perfect” degree. And that on top of my already very momentary interest in experiencing things really put a lot of pressure on me. My parents had moved to another country while I was doing my first major and when I quit they wanted me to pick a major in that country so I could join them. I didn’t want to live my home but I did, mostly because, hey it’s a whole new country to explore. When picking the new major I decided on something, but at the very last minute I was with my friends and they brought up how I was really creative and such so I picked a whole different major then I had planned to because again, they really got to me. And since my inner world is almost non-existent, I picked the one they suggested me to.

And also, I have a very unhealthy tendency of using people, for example, the first thing I did when I got to this new country was to date someone so I had someone to explore this new place with and new friendships don’t come with the same level of companionship as a relationship does. And something that makes me feel like I might not have Fi or that it’s underdeveloped is that, I really have no self respect in a way, or I don’t really care about it. I will argue fervently about how other nationalities see my nationality as a “toy” and then I proceeded to use the characteristics of said toy to attract a woman with a car and a very comfortable wallet. And looking back at my previous relationships, I never really liked anyone, it was always because I wanted something. I dated a guy just because I argued with a friend and I knew she liked him. I dated a girl because she was smart and gave me summaries to study for exams and did my homework. And the thing is that I don’t want to do those things but I also don’t bother to get what I want in another way because other people are just so much easier for me to convince to do something then it is to actually convince myself to do something that isn’t immediately gratifying or pleasurable to do.

Se+Ti+Fe: And I don’t know if this is maybe a part of Se+Ti+Fe, but I’ve always been very competitive. My interest has always been momentary, and I know that, which also made me aware that I never stuck with anything long enough to master it. Which probably triggers a sense of inadequacy in me and a need to show others that I have something I know I don’t instead of actually fixing the part of me that is creating my insecurity. So, anytime someone even suggests they are better than me at something, or that I can’t do something, or that I SHOULD do something, I get so annoyed that I will run over my life just to prove them wrong. When I finished middle school, everyone was saying how I should be an engineer, and pick science as my main program in high school, and I was so annoyed that other people thought they knew what was best for me, that I pick the arts program. I don’t regret it, because I learned a lot of interesting things. But it was still a very bad way to decide something.

Auxiliary Fi: The reason I think I have auxiliary Fi is because now that me and my dominant Se keep turning my life upside down, for no logical reason, I started looking within. Like why am I doing this? Or why can’t I stick with anything or anyone for more then a few months? And, I have never been with anyone I actually really liked, it feels wrong and weird to like someone. It feels weird to like something. It’s like I need a reason, an external reason to want something. Almost like I need an ulterior motive to pursue anything. Because again, I don’t have anything in me that is strong enough to get me to pursue something. Like, I’ve had a crush on a friend since I was in highschool, which is why I have literally always avoided her in any possible way. When we go camping, I will cross a river if I have to just to know she’s as far as possible. It actually irks me to feel my feelings. One time, I actually decided to sleep out in the open because I forgot my tent and the only other one with space left was hers, and then lucky me, she wanted to fall asleep stargazing, and suddenly I wasn’t tired at all and decided to go for a walk to count bats.

It’s like I purposefully avoid things that mean a lot to me or that I could actually feel something towards. And also, ever since I was little I really wanted to be a wildlife biologist or ecologist, I loved national geographic, Jane Goodall, David Attenborough, Tarzan, the Jungle Book. I love being outside and seeing nature, learning about it, documenting it. I even kept an animal encyclopaedia where I wrote down all the animals I saw in my farm and the forest around it or the beach near my house, I was always exploring it. But as I grew it started feeling wrong to like things. Because I saw how I’d experience them and then I’d stop liking them. So deep down I actually believe, that when I like something or someone, and I pursue it, that I’ll stop liking it.

But now, I’m in the second year of my current bachelor, and even though I hate it, I’m gonna finish it. And with the year and a half I have left, I’m studying biology, geology and math on the side so I can go and finally take the bachelor’s I’ve always wanted. But sometimes, before I start studying, I fear that I shouldn’t because if I love biology then it means that I WILL stop loving it. But a part of me knows that I’ve always loved and been in nature. Especially now that I moved to a “concrete”/modern country, it really accentuates how much I miss nature, and how important it is to me. Even though logic and past and current events show that this is what I want, part of me still thinks I’m somehow lost and doomed because I’ll feel empty again soon.

But nature means the world to me. The sea has always been my special place, whenever I’m in it, especially when the waves are really tough, I feel at peace. Same with nature. Like when I see a giant tree, maybe it’s everyone idk, but it actually feels like I’m levitating. And I’m also that weirdo that needs to touch the trees, there’s this actually need to do it, like if you were starving and suddenly there was a tasty roast right in front of you. Like I HAVE to connect with that tree or something. The same thing with all the activities I keep doing, I HAVE to experience it. Maybe that’s more dominant Se then auxiliary Fi though.

And I also love writing. I work on about 5 different stories at different times. But they all have the sort of same thing going on. It feels like a way where I can connect with my feelings without actually having to acknowledge them.

Tertiary Te: A lot of times, when I feel incompetent, or like I’m lacking something, I cling to external achievements or expectations. For example at the start of this year in university when I started realizing that I really didn’t like this degree, it was moving into some capitalist things that I really hate, I know marketing and such have their purpose but it’s literally brainwashing people into losing themselves enough to buy things to do things that will not help them in any way. But instead of looking for other options, I immediately thought how I couldn’t just quit from a second degree. What would people think of me? (Maybe that’s tertiary Fe…) So, instead of seeing other options, I clung harder to this one, I became this weird but satisfying accomplishment machine, I worked so hard for like 3 months. I even started going to the gym at 6am before class even though I didn’t have to which was weird.

But yeah, after those three months a little voice in me woke me up, asking why I was investing so much of me into something that meant nothing to me. Something that I was really against. And I was scared, because if I didn’t have what I had in that moment, then what did I have? There was nothing shinning anywhere, so what was I to do? And I certainly couldn’t look within. I am so terrified of my inner world most of the time, that when I’m not fully entranced into what I’m doing I put on my earphones in max volume just so I don’t even have to hear my own thoughts or get in touch with myself.

I even started looking into the whole “ego death” thing because it feels much easier to me to just erase any inner feelings or dreams or hearing what my heart wants, then it is to connect with my inner world. Because I do know that there’s almost nothing there, and whatever is there now, will change really soon. My wants are so fleeting, it feels like that scene from harry potter where he’s trying to catch a letter but when he’s almost grabbing one, another one takes its place. And in a way I guess all my “letters” say the same thing but in different ways, I’m just so unskilled in deciphering my own “language” that I can’t understand them.

Auxiliary Fi + Tertiary Te (Or auxiliary Ti?): I value freedom and I think everyone is different. So it’s always been really hard for me to grasp society. Not society, but capitalism I guess, in most countries it’s like capitalism is the current culture of most countries, globalization and such. I even twisted the final papers for two of my classes just so I could dive deeper into this subject, because it’s so weird for me to wrap my head around it. I just can’t understand why most people accept it, in a way I am a part of said system, and when I lack confidence in my inner world I follow the achievements of the system to guide me. But maybe this is auxiliary Ti? I’m really unsure about my auxiliary function. The thing is that, before, I really had this need to get people on board with the way that I though or viewed things or make them have the same opinions as I did. Then I grew a bit and tried to understand people’s point of view, but I couldn’t and I still judged them. So now with the help of my therapist I’m starting to understand that I don’t have to understand, there is no definitive answer to most things, and it’s not my job to find it either nor will it actually bring me any fulfilment if I find it either. And it's also not my job to get people to think the way I do, because I don't know either, I used to kind of think that I knew better then others and that my way was "the way" but it's not, there is no right way there's just ways. So, yk, it is what it is.

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Assessment-wise, this is a very clear-cut case because all signs point to ESTP. The evidence for Fi and Te is virtually non-existent.

Is it possible for someone with high Fi to lack depth of inner experience to the extent that you describe? Possible but not plausible. There would have to be a third mitigating factor operating behind-the-scenes that has seriously and severely disrupted the type development process. However, there is no obvious sign that such a mitigating factor exists.

Could the factor be an undiagnosed disorder such as ADHD, OCD, or even a personality disorder? Again, possible but not plausible. If you suffered from a psychological disorder to the extent that it severely disrupted auxiliary development, you would exhibit far more crippling dysfunction in daily life.

Development-wise, the main problem you describe is existence without essence, which is attributable to a troubling imbalance between Se and Ni (that afflicts all immature Se doms, so it's not abnormal). Through investigating the functions, you've come to have a good understanding of Se and its unhealthy extremes, which is great. But it's not enough.

Although you've been gradually raising self-awareness, you still haven't gotten a good grasp of the auxiliary function, which is why you aren't able to populate the auxiliary and tertiary parts of your profile with enough info to decide between T and F. Reading through your profile, all of the judging function descriptions are quite weak, so I'm basically forced to determine which pair is the weakest of the weak.

One thing you may not realize is that ESFPs are not random. Whether healthy or not, Fi points ESFPs in very particular, personally significant directions. This makes them naturally loyal to their personal preferences and values, which easily translates into commitment.

Of course, ESFPs do also have the potential to suffer commitment issues because of Se adventurousness. However, they will always choose things that speak to and reflect a coherent sense of self that lies at the foundation of Fi. Since Fi acts as a personal touchstone from which inner identity manifests into observable behavior, ESFP decisions are rarely random.

Contrast this with you: you have no such touchstone, do you? You've said that you are empty inside, which is why you go wherever the wind blows. You have no strong values from which to stay loyal to yourself, right? If you had Fi, you'd understand that this kind of self-betrayal is unacceptable.

There is a world of difference between underdeveloped Fi and the complete absence of Fi. You describe the latter. An underdeveloped function should still be readily observable, misdirected as it may be. Your understanding of Fi is so poor and there is so little evidence of it that I don't think ESFP should even be under consideration.

In your case, the evidence suggests that dominant Se has been allowed to wreak havoc because you keep ignoring Ti development. You are capable of impartial self-evaluation and even realize when you make decisions for nonsensical "reasons". But you proceed anyway. Why? If you're like other unhealthy ESTPs, it's partly because stopping for reflection is (unconsciously) viewed as a hindrance to Se-Fe loop.

You obviously care about some important things, such as nature and the dangers of capitalism. But rather than nurture and cultivate these seeds within, you purposely try to reduce how much you care, because... glob forbid you'd have to commit? The consequence of this self-sabotage is that life is lived far too carelessly, without any meaningful direction or purpose.

Can you really be shocked that you are empty when you have done everything in your power to keep the most meaningful things in life at arm's length? The problem isn't that you are too easily carried away by whatever you value most (Fi); the problem is that you aren't. You basically talk yourself out of the best path at every turn.

What is an Ne-Fe loop like?

Under normal circumstances, Fe in general usually seeks to understand another’s feelings and be attentive to the needs of others. This allows for a healthy appreciation of relationships and connections.

What does a healthy tertiary Fe look like?

In a healthy ENTP, tertiary Fe allows us to be more considerate of others and we seek to be more understanding of people and are likely to listen to their thoughts with empathy. It also makes us aware of how our behaviour can affect others and we are likely to adjust our way of interacting with others to ensure that there is a sense of cooperation.

Ti can overlook many aspects of the external world in its somewhat obsessive search for the whole truth. This causes the stereotypical cold, blunt and ‘I-don’t-give-a-fuck’ ENTP. Such ENTPs can overlook the importance of engaging with others to create an environment where ideas, thoughts and possibilities can be explored in a more cooperative manner.

Tertiary Fe helps to correct this weakness. It keeps us in check and reminds us to take consideration when presenting our thoughts and ensures that we understand and appreciate healthy connections with others.

What does an unhealthy tertiary Fe look like?

We become extremely sensitive to criticism and are likely to lash out for it. We are unable to handle disagreements and differences in opinions well, especially when this disagreement is acting against our Ne. This can cause us to seem cold, insensitive and extremely arrogant.

There is a strong need to be independent or, at the very least, be seen as being independent. For this reason, we are likely to refuse to acknowledge people’s opinions or even accommodate relationships, especially with our loved ones and people we care about. This is mostly due to believing that feelings are a weakness and that such a weakness can be used against us and also ruin our reputation.

With our Fe perspective, we can take advantage of the awareness of other people’s feelings and weaknesses to intentionally cause hurt and upset them. We can also use this knowledge to manipulate others into doing things we want or into liking us. This feeds our ego and gives us a false sense of confidence.

An example of this would be an ENTP acting nice and caring towards a person, not out of the goodness of their heart but with the intention of wanting to be liked by people. Later on, when the ENTP needs something from said person, they would guilt-trip the person into helping with something along the lines of, “I’ve done so much for you. I helped you when no one else did, and I’ve always been such a good friend. We’re friends, aren’t we? So you’ll help me, right? You’ll help me because I’ve always helped you, right? Because that’s what friends do, after all. And we’re friends.”

An unhealthy tertiary Fe can quickly lead to an Ne-Fe loop.

What does an Ne-Fe loop look like?

During an Ne-Fe loop, we tend to overlook or ignore the advice of our auxillary Ti. Fe is an extroverted function, similar to our dominant Ne, meaning that we can easily become heavily concerned about the external world. Without the introspective view provided by our auxillary Ti, it is very easy for us to become defensive about our inability to manage problems and blame our surroundings or other people instead of looking within ourselves and our own shortcomings.

Interestingly, those of us in an Ne-Fe loop have a constant need for approval from others. We aren’t consciously aware of this so it can be difficult for us to recognise that this is happening until either the situation gets out of hand or someone points it out to us.

There is a lot of insecurity involved and we have very little confidence in our ability to make decisions and good judgments without the approval of others. Wanting to feel confident about ourselves, we are likely to seek admiration by manipulating people and other social situations. There is a lot of anxiety about how people see us and a lot of pressure in wanting to be admired and seen as independent and capable.

This can manifest in wanting to achieve certain results such as getting the top grades, buying the best clothes etc. This puts us in situations which would, under normal circumstances, be unreasonable for us (such as taking on too many responsibilities than we are able to handle), and it also puts us under unnecessary pressure. Such an anxious and eager-to-please mindset takes a huge toll on our mental health, eventually leaving us unable to manage the issues created by our Ne-Fe loop.

How to get out of an Ne-Fe loop?

At first, an Ne-Fe loop can seem very empowering. It can seem like everything is under our control and that we have the ability to manipulate situations to fit our Ne’s liking. However, this later causes problems (both mentally and in our surroundings) that simply Ne and Fe can’t handle by themselves.

At this point, it is important to take a step back and reintroduce auxillary Ti to its rightful place. Healthy Ti helps us to make better judgments by allowing us to reflect on our decisions before we decide to act on impulse.

We can help re-engage our auxillary Ti by:

Considering possible future consequences of our immediate actions. (e.g. “By saying this, will I be seriously offending someone?”)

Taking into account the pros and cons of a decision. (e.g. “This subject seems the most exciting, however that subject has more opportunities to learn such and such.”)

Prioritising. (e.g. “Yes, I could work on that side-project now. It sounds like a good idea. However, then I would be taking out time that I could spend studying for my exams in the next two weeks. Hm. I’ll study for my exams instead and then, after they’re over, I can set aside time to work on my side-project.”)

I should note that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to achieve certain outcomes such as having good grades and whatnot which I mentioned earlier, but not at the expense of our mental health, and most certainly not while just running for it, hoping it will happen, our only intention being to impress others.

With the help of Ti, and later Si, we can achieve specific results with better precision and carefully planned steps to ensure that we can do it to the best of our abilities. This will reduce wasted time, energy and errors while also helping us to be much happier and confident with our decisions.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that, in terms of moral development, I’m at a stage where I try to maintain the approval of others. I believe this stems from emotional insecurity or, more precisely, a sense of inadequacy, which I attribute to my upbringing: I was a spoiled child, as my parents did everything for me and, as a result, failed to instill independence and a strong work ethic.

After comparing myself to others, I concluded that I lagged behind my peers in terms of emotional development and maturity. By this, I mean that I was somewhat aggressive (I infer this from the emotional harm I caused to some friends), stubborn, attention-seeking, and had a sense of superiority — I wanted to be better than others. I was also somewhat cowardly and, therefore, overly accommodating in social situations (because I didn’t know how to behave properly and was afraid of embarrassing myself).

I know I'm being influenced by past experiences. I had friends that didn't respect my boundaries and expected me to be there for them all the time. For example, I'm not a touchy person, I dislike touching a lot. Those friends knew that because I explicitly stated that I hate being touched, yet at any given moment they would. I also couldn't talk about my problems or anything related to myself, they would interrupt me and talk only about themselves. I don't want to play victim here, they had their own issues, I don't blame them and I understand now that true friendship is different from whatever that was. I'm telling you this because it's important to know where this fear comes from.

Anyway, the things is that I don't know how I'm supposed to act around my new friends. I'm walking a line between trying to soften me up for the sake of their feelings and speaking about what I think, with the risk of hurting them. But I'm doing it all wrong. I'm starting to mirror their behavior and suppressing my opinions for their approval. Yet, I can't come up with a new strategy and can't help but being tied up to the past. I don't want to screw this up, they're different people and they don't deserve whatever was left of me. I fear I will become needy and repeat the same mistakes, ending up in self isolation. I'm not living up my full potential and I know it. How can I overcome this?

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Yes, you've got some Fe and Si problems. In a nutshell, you're behaving like a cheap imitation ISFJ. Trying to be something you're not is the road to self-destruction. Your past experience makes you believe that you have to twist yourself into some unrecognizable form in order to keep your friends. But when you take these kinds of shortcuts, you just end up sabotaging your intended goal. How can a friendship be healthy when people never get to see and know the real you? How can you be healthy when you constantly neglect your own needs and desires? How can you be open, trusting, and giving when you are always in fear of what might happen?

Why take a shortcut that does so much harm and actually leads you away from your intended goal? Because you lack the SKILLS to do otherwise, and this is related to poor Ti development. Ti development means building a proper understanding of how things work, as well as learning the skills that are necessary to navigate systems competently (in this case, how socializing works and how to socialize successfully). Immature Ti is very limited in its knowledge because it is far too small in its scope, basically only capable of seeing cause and effects at the most superficial of levels. For instance: "If I keep my mouth shut, I won't say the wrong thing and get rejected by my friends". This superficiality leads to adopting ineffective strategies.

It's good to be open and honest about your needs and desires. It's good to be respectful and considerate with other people's needs and desires. So, how do these two things meet up in a relationship? Is there really nothing at all in between the extremes of aggressively imposing your needs on others versus passively sitting in neglect of your own needs? The middle ground is found in assertiveness. In ENTPs, this involves exercising Ne adaptability and Ti strategic planning based on the facts.

Being assertive means taking the initiative to put yourself out there AND being responsive to what happens after you do. It's true that maybe not everyone can handle what you put out, but it's better to know than to wonder forever, isn't it? Wondering forever leads to you staying in relationships that aren't healthy for you. Once you know the facts, you can make a well-informed decision about what your next steps should be. Not every relationship will work out as you hope, and that should be okay, because there will always be more opportunities to come. This is what healthy Ne should tell you.

Socializing is an art, not a science, which implies that you have to be nimble and make sure that your expectations are realistic. There is no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. However, there is a way to speak your mind responsibly, and there is a way to be flexible and adjust your approach as necessary to mitigate negative reactions. To accomplish this, you need to do some skill building (for the sake of Ne+Ti development). The relationship related skills that you lack include:

optimism: seeing positive possibilities (not just negative ones) and believing that there will always be another opportunity (in the event that this particular one doesn't pan out)

presence: approaching new situations without past baggage

trust: giving people the benefit of the doubt

courage: the willingness to face up to truthful feedback

confidence: believing that you can handle whatever comes because you are committed to learning from your mistakes

assertiveness: being open and honest about yourself

communication: using respectful language to express opinions

conflict resolution: de-escalating tense situations

emotional intelligence: understanding how to navigate feelings and emotions that result from social interaction

impartial critical judgment: knowing when to persist (because there is potential for a better relationship) versus when to cut your losses (because the relationship is a lost cause)

Realizing that you've been in denial for a long time is a very big step in personal growth. For ESTPs, playing loose with facts and ignoring the effects of one's actions are related to poor aux Ti development.

[con’t: ruminating on issues of social comparison (eg. so and so has a higher income or more accolades than me), which i know is irrational!! So next time I catch myself doing this, I observe my thoughts and pivot them to the task at hand and cultivate a deeper focus? And be more patient with myself? Many thanks for your blog btw :) - from, an ENTP fan that has been silently reading]

Ti needs to build a genuine sense of capability and mastery, which requires that you work on developing your knowledge, skills, and talents. However, this also means that life cannot only be lived for yourself. Knowledge, skills, and talents don’t mean very much when you never put them to good use, especially when you only use them as a means to convince yourself of your own superiority. This is why Ti and Fe go together. Only when you use your intelligence and capabilities to contribute something good to those around you will you feel as though you are living at your best - this is the long road to life fulfillment and realizing your potential (Ni). Many estps don’t have the patience to take the long and winding road, which is why they opt to play games and use mental tricks in order to feel self-assured (Fe loop).