#si grip

With this new knowledge, I have been making all the changes necessary to accommodate myself and do the best I can and pull my own weight. I am almost finishing University, and my boyfriend (he’s pretty much my husband at this point) started his doctorate and is now an art teacher at our local arts University. (those issues I had written to you prior were resolved and we have been very happy together and supportive of each other since).

I have been slowly tearing down my perfectionistic tendencies; I am no longer unhappy about my work or extremely self-critic to the point I put myself down. I have gained confidence and trust in myself and handling problems, crafting solutions, planning (even if short-term) and improvising. I have been re-enganging my Ne in a healthy manner, focusing on my projects and progress instead of being scattered and wanting to do everything and anything.

Despite that, and all the growth I have done already, I feel that I have an unsurnamable mountain of obstacles to pass through. Over the last year, I have realized just how little my ISTP, probably autistic and bipolar father and ENTJ, probably ADHD mother completely failed to prepare me for life. I was emotionally neglected, made a scapegoat for their problems, made to pick up after myself because of my autism and ADHD being seen as failures of character instead of disabilities.

They saw I was intelligent, and rationalized it as “not needing help”; then, when my problems with executive disfunction and organization started flaring up due to their neglect, they yelled and blamed it on me, worsening the situation. I grew up with no understanding of boundaries; I wasn’t allowed to advocate for myself and everytime I tried I was yelled at; I wasn’t allowed to discover myself and my identity properly so I clinged to my special interests like a moth to a flame; I was shamed for my way of functioning and that impeded me of developing proper knowledge of myself and what I needed.

I now notice my social differences, my trouble dealing with and regulating emotions (and why I put off dealing with them), and my lack of social skills and differentiating levels of relationships. I feel angry that the time I needed to be using to deal with these issues, during adolescence and early adulthood, was taken away by autistic burnout, depression, and dealing with a disfunctional family who had no idea how to care for me and never tried to, and spent pursuing bad relationships, hyperfixations and changing interests, all the while not being able to put effort into what I really wanted because of the shame and judgement they placed on me.

I have been trying my best to pick up the slack, but it’s hard. I can see now how I was unjustly punished for my differences my whole life. I finally understand now why people get upset with me with things like being unable to regulate tone or asking clarifying questions (when I’m just trying to understand them).

I have accepted myself; I know my difficultities now and I know what I have to do to regulate myself, but I still can’t stop feeling angry at this injustice. I do my best to be proactive and helpful in the communities I join and make friends, but people will turn on me the moment I do something impulsive like vent to chat about my parents doing something rude to me that day (which happens regularly). The bridges I put effort into building get destroyed in minutes, and I feel like all my progress is undone.

Family is a tricky issue for people, I get it. There are different times and places to say things, I get it. But It still happens. I know the way to fix it would be to leave, but due to the housing crisis, inflation and my expenses of trying to finish my degree, I can’t move out of this place and still currently live with them. Rent is unnafordable, my boyfriend is going through his degree and busy, and I’m already at capacity fully comitting myself to art and doing the best job I can with chores and house stuff.

I know my parents have issues and I try my best do understand and be empathethic, but they aren't doing anything to get better or to resolve them. My dad is on disability and unemployment aid right now, he does minimal chores and watches TV and sleeps all day. My mother is a pre-school teacher and constantly overworks herself because that's how she learned to get through life.

A few months ago, my mom almost ended her marriage because in her words, she developed a "platonic crush" for another man. It was a huge fight, and one they tried to drag me into. When they're not having outright fights, they act lovey-dovey; but they soon have another nasty fight, and the cycle goes on.

My dad is extremely misoginistic, judgemental, and cynical. Everytime he tries to engage me in conversation, I act uniteresting so he leaves me alone. I am uncapable of building a relationship with them after all they did to me.

I just can’t stop feeling I got dealt a sh*tty hand in life and there is nothing I can do about it. I realize this is Si grip talking, but this enviroment completely kills all my optimist, motivation and will to move foward in life, and I’ve been doing this dance for way too long and just want it to end once and for all so I can keep progressing. I know I’ve already come a long way, but I can’t stop feeling it still isn’t enough, and I’m afraid that feeling won’t ever go away. So I turn to you for guidance on what to do.

Currently I am sitting on a few unfinished projects (a comic and animation) that will be my portfolio só I can start working while I finish my degree. My parents are paying for the remainder of it (honestly, the least they could do after the horrible lifetime they gave me) but I plan to start paying for it myself as soon as I get some work. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm doing everything to try and make things better, but I feel like they never will, and I don't know how to deal with that.

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Whenever people tell me about how they're making progress, even trying to develop lower functions, but also suffering from inferior grip, the alarm bells go off in my head, because it usually indicates some form of troublesome denial. In terms of type development, inferior grip is one of the most serious signs that something is not right psychologically.

I never want to poopoo on people's efforts to improve. I definitely believe that you've been putting forth your best efforts. However, if the outcome is inferior grip, it means there's a problem with your approach or method.

The way that you're stuck in blaming your parents for your misfortunes is not just a sign of Si grip, but also Te loop. If you're suffering from Te loop, it means Fi development hasn't progressed to the point where you are ready for Te development. Being a lower function, trying to develop Te when you're not ready is only going to exacerbate Te loop and eventually lead you into Si grip.

I won't deny that the people around you every day have a big influence over you. As a Feeler, their moods can easily affect yours. When that happens, the best thing to do is to draw up boundaries, to try to shield yourself from those negative influences as much as possible. However, what you've done is the opposite.

You've been drawn into the negative influence through blaming them, fighting back (mentally), judging them for their flaws, indulging pointless "what if" scenarios about your past, etc. In short, you have been swallowed up by the negativity partly because you didn't do enough to protect yourself from it. This is related to Fi development because Fi should inform you about what is needed for self-protection.

Now, since you find yourself in a hopeless place and can't accept the feelings of helplessness, the recourse is Te loop. You wish to actively "correct" everything that you perceive is "wrong". However, this is a futile endeavor. Why? Because those things are not for you to correct. You have overstepped/violated boundaries by wanting to solve problems that aren't your responsibility. This only serves to entangle you in them.

Your mom and dad's flaws, your mom and dad's relationship, are none of your business, but you are all up in there. Even if they try to involve you, as an adult, you have the power to refuse. Because you care about them, it's hard for you to refuse, but refuse you must. That's what it means to draw healthy boundaries.

Yes, it's tragic to have been deprived as a child. One thing you realize more and more deeply as you get older (especially if you have children of your own) is that parents are human, their knowledge is limited, and people can only do the best they can based on what they know. Many, many people are ignorant about psychological issues because they have had no opportunity to learn about them. What's worse, sometimes what they have learned is misinformation or outdated information based on what was being taught when they were growing up.

I say this not to excuse the bad things that parents do, but to foster empathy for the fact that people can't do better when they don't know better. You are the same. You didn't think to change your behavior or didn't know how to do it in the right way until you learned about ADHD. You live, you learn.

Empathy for others starts with empathy for oneself. Instead of pitying yourself or being angry about your past, healthy Fi should prompt you to express empathy for your struggles today. There aren't enough signs that you possess this depth of empathy, which indicates Fi development has a long way to go yet. It's hard to feel empathy when you're in the thick of negativity, but that's the time when it's most important to practice it.

An important part of having empathy for yourself, aka self-compassion, is allowing yourself to move at a realistic pace in life, a pace that takes your challenges into fair consideration, rather than always trying to live up to unreasonable ideals. Feeling "not good enough" and being afraid of that feeling never going away is directly related to Fi development and lack of self-acceptance. You must accept the truth of yourself and the facts of your situation before you can move forward in a meaningful way.

Also, if you find yourself speaking inappropriately or not giving enough consideration to social context when your feelings get too big, it means you haven't done enough to set up a good social support system and create more appropriate opportunities to explore your personal issues. Expecting parents or colleagues to give you support that they are not capable of giving is basically wasting energy barking up the wrong tree. In other words, don't look for love in all the wrong places. This is related to Fi development in terms of doing what it takes to care well for your well-being.

You are well into adulthood. At some point, it has to be fully your responsibility to craft the life you want. By continuing to blame your parents for not living up to your ideals, you are the one keeping yourself tied to past unhappiness, rather than moving forward. It is a choice you make.

I always say that forgiveness isn't about other people. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's not good for you to live in a state of resentment, anger, or hate. It's not good to keep revisiting and rehashing such emotions on an endless loop. Therefore, you have to learn to forgive the mistakes of the past so that you can have the emotional stability necessary to focus on improving your life today and into the future.

There are two issues to address:

1) Ego Development Problems: When people are at low levels of ego development, they do not see the world objectively. They are only able to see the world through the distorted lens of their unresolved ego dramas/traumas of the past. This woeful lack of objectivity should be of particular concern for NFPs because of the primacy they give to their past experiences when formulating their worldview. Having a distorted worldview enables faulty beliefs and poor decision-making.

For instance, your negative relationship experience of the past has led you to see new people as a potential threat to be defended against. You aren't able to show who you really are or see people for who they really are, so on what basis can you develop a healthy and satisfying relationship with them? Your past pain has hijacked your mind because, when you believe your "feelings" are an accurate representation of reality, you have no reason to question them, let alone act against them. You dutifully obey their every command to hide, evade, or run.

Worse yet, instead of doing the work of resolving and letting go of your past, the strategy you believe you should resort to is "faking it", which leads you even further away from your purported goal of having good relationships with people (a symptom of Te loop). When you wear a mask, nobody can see who you really are, which shields you from the pain of being hurt, but it also blocks you from forming meaningful connections - it is an unhealthy defense mechanism. You have made the choice, again and again, to forsake connection because you give first priority to your past pain during the decision-making process (a symptom of Si grip).

You have put the mental block in place and it is up to you to remove it by facing up to your pain and putting it in the right perspective. You call the block "stupid", as though you're smart/aware enough to know what's up, but it is just an empty performance as long as you keep choosing to let past pain run your present life. I have already written a lot about getting closure on the past, see the tags page.

2) Function Development Problems: Immature/unhealthy FPs generally suffer from self-esteem issues due to Fi development problems. Instead of facing up to those issues, it's easier for them to deflect and shift the focus onto others. It's quite common for FPs to blame/envy/resent others for the things they can't get a good grip on in themselves - their judgmentalness is a clear window into their soul. This is how FPs contribute to their stereotype of being moralizing and self-righteous.

Because you struggle with this issue of "faking it" and project it out into the world, all you see around you is how others fake it, without acknowledging how presumptuous and insulting it is to judge people like that. Are you claiming to understand people's inner thought processes when they make big decisions, or are your judgments entirely tainted by your own struggles with "authenticity"?

For instance, have you considered the fact that many people do not have the socioeconomic means to make their job "an inseparable part of their identity"? Have you considered the fact that different people approach life differently and some do not need/want to make their job a part of their identity because it would be unhealthy for them to do so? Failure to consider multiple possibilities reflects poorly on your Ne development.

You seem to equivocate about whether "faking it" is good or bad, but it's apparent you consider it bad. You chose the word "fake" which has obviously negative connotations, and you try to place yourself on moral high ground by claiming you are incapable of "fakeness". By concocting this moral hierarchy between yourself and others, you actively destroy the empathy you need for encouraging deeper mutual understanding, thus sabotaging your purported goal of having good relationships with people.

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In short, ego development and function development issues have come together to form the bigger problem of you not having the courage to be yourself, which leads you to have an unhealthy fixation on anyone who can't be themselves as you define it. This is a great example of having a distorted worldview.

One of the main purposes of learning about different personality types is to understand, accept, and honor individual differences. Instead of treating new people as individuals, with the trust, openness, and understanding they deserve at the start of a relationship, you allow your negative feelings and distorted judgments to take over and corrupt the socializing process.

Healthy Fi:

You fully accept yourself.

You admit your limitations and weaknesses.

You are sincere and authentic.

You trust your feelings to guide you well.

You have good moral judgment.

You always make an effort to better understand and appreciate what makes people unique and different.

You actively make space for everyone to express themselves authentically.

You take people's behavior in stride because you set and enforce appropriate emotional boundaries.

You need not depend on others for validation because you understand that self-worth comes from within.

Unhealthy Fi:

You frequently struggle with shame or self-reproach.

You fear having your limitations and weaknesses exposed.

You try to avoid/deny/circumvent the truth about yourself.

You are driven by unresolved negative feelings and emotions.

You have questionable/problematic moral judgment.

You can't understand those who are different from you and cast them in a negative light as necessary to soothe your ego.

You are afraid to be yourself (and feel jealous when others are braver than you).

You take people's behavior too personally whenever it triggers your low self-esteem.

You are deeply afraid of being invalidated and feeling like a nothing or nobody.