𝟏𝟐 : 𝟐𝟔 𝐚𝐦 !!
jamal musiala x f!reader
; you and jamal get into an argument, and he makes up with you.
a/n: first time publishing my writings so kinda nervous hehe😅😅hope you guys like it!!
warnings ! heavy angst, happy endingg
You sat alone in your shared dim lit apartment, watching the minutes tick away on the digital clock. 12.26 am, the clock blinked, almost mockingly. A few months ago, this would have set off alarm bells in your chest-midnight, and Jamal's keys still hadn't rattled in the front door.
But tonight? Tonight, you just stared at the numbers, feeling entirely numb. Over the last two months, him coming home late became a regular occurrence.
Click. The sound of the front door unlocking made you jump, even though it was exactly what you'd been waiting for. The door crept open, and there he was. Jamal. He stepped inside, his shoulders weighed down by a exhaustion that felt entirely separate from you. He didn't notice you sitting there in the dark at first, freezing mid-motion as his eyes adjusted to the shadows. For a long, agonizing second, neither of you spoke. The air between you was thick with two months' worth of unspoken questions, and you decided to break the silence.
"you're home...its pretty late" Jamal sighed upon hearing the last 3 words, "look, y/n, i don't wanna do this right now. i'm really tired"
-"You're tired?" your voice cracked, cutting through the dark room. "Jamal, you've been 'really tired' every single night for the past two months. I'm tired too. I'm tired of sitting alone in the dark, waiting for you to remember you actually live here."
Jamal rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a heavy, defensive sigh as he dropped his keys onto the counter with a loud clatter. "y/n, i just came back home from a 4 hour training session, and michael ended up dragging me to a party"
-You scoffed, "yeah, exactly. You're out partying while i stay at home waiting for you. do you still not see the problem?"
Jamal threw his head back, letting out a frustrated groan. "i told you, im not doing this right now."
"When do we ever do this, Jamal?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper, yet it felt incredibly loud in the suffocating quiet of the apartment. You finally stood up, crossing your arms across your chest like a shield. "You don't want to do this right now. You didn't want to do it yesterday, or last week, or the week before that."
Jamal froze, his hand gripping the sides of the counter. The irritation in his eyes visible, almost too visible. "I am trying to keep my head above water, y/n. I come home, and the first thing you do is interrogate me." He said, his voice 2 tones higher than last he spoke.
"Because i want to see if you still care, Jamal! you only ever come home when you have no other place left to go!" You stepped fully out of the shadows, the dim light finally catching the desperate anger written across your face. "Michael drags you to a party, and you go. A training session runs long, and you stay. But the second it's time to come back to us, suddenly you're completely out of energy."
Jamal slammed his hand down on the counter, the sound echoing like a gunshot in the cramped kitchen. "Because when I come here, this is what I get! I am exhausted, y/n! I am working myself to the bone, and instead of a home, I walk into a courtroom!"
You flinched, the sharp bang of his palm against the counter ringing in your ears long after the sound died down. You took a few steps back, the heavy silence returning, and tears gradually formed in your eyes.
Within seconds, Jamal noticed the shift in your form, and he realized what he had done. The defensive rage in his eyes immediately flickered, and was replaced by a gaze filled with guilt and regret. "y/n i- i'm sorry i didnt mean to-"
"…a courtroom..?" you cut him off in a small, low voice. You took a deep breath before continuing "ive been sitting alone in this house every night for more than 2 months, Jamal. more than sixty days of watching the clock go past midnight, wondering if you're safe, wondering if you even remember that you live here. At the very least you could call, or text. anything. You don't get to turn this around and blame me for being upset that you chose a party over coming home to me." you said so calmly, yet the pent-up heartbreak shattering in your soft voice completely.
Jamal took a hesitant step forward, his hand half-extended as if reaching out to touch you, but he stopped himself, his fingers curling back into a tight fist at his side. "I didn't choose a party over you," he said softly, the anger entirely gone from his voice. "Michael wouldn't let it go, and I... I just didn't have the energy to argue with him. I thought it would clear my head. I didn't think."
"That's the problem, you never think about how it affects me," you whispered, wiping the single tear that managed to fall from your cheek with the back of your hand. You looked away from him, refusing to let him see your vulnerable state.
Jamal felt his heart drop seeing the sight of you, his fist clenching tighter at his side as a wave of intense regret and guilt washed over him. For the last two months, he had been so consumed by his own exhaustion and stress that he hadn't fully realized what he was doing to you. Seeing your shoulders tremble, hearing the soft sniffles and cracks of your voice, made him realize that in trying to escape his own head, he had completely neglected the one person that mattered to him the most.
"y/n... please look at me," Jamal murmured, his voice thick with an emotion he couldn't hide. He took another agonizingly slow step forward, the distance between you feeling like miles. His heart twisted painfully at the realization that you were trying to hide your tears from him, as if he were the threat instead of your safe place. "i’m so sorry, i never meant to hurt you"
You tried to get yourself together, avoiding the emotional roller coaster that would’ve been caused if it went on for any longer. "you know what, its fine. i shouldnt have brought this up anyway. i'm sorry if i ruined your night" you said as you took slow steps to grab your phone that was lying on the couch, before making your way to the guest bedroom room instead instead of the bedroom you and Jamal had been sharing for nearly 3 years.
Jamal closed his eyes for a split second, trying to swallow down the sudden lump in his throat. He hated himself in that moment. He wanted to stop you, to hug you, to reassure you. But his words remained at the tip of his tongue, unspoken. He was unable to process your sudden withdrawal, and it had him wishing you were screaming at him instead of walking away.
As soon as you heard the click of the guest room door shutting, you allowed yourself to come undone as tears started uncontrollably flowing down your face. your hand was sliding over your chest in an attempt to ease the ache that had been lingering for way too long. All sorts of thoughts circled through your mind, and you didn’t like a single one.
Jamal stood frozen in the middle of the living room, staring at the door of the room you had just walked in to, his chest feeling heavier listening to your muffled sobs from inside the room. He finally walked over to the couch and sunk down on the edge, burying his face in his hands. He wanted to go to you, to knock on your door and beg for a chance to explain, but the crushing weight of his guilt held him firmly in place. He knew that the best he could do right now was give you the space that he had so thoughtlessly forced upon you for the last few weeks.
As minutes went by, Jamal slowly and silently slid down to sit with his back against your door. The room was quiet now, with just the hum of the AC followed by the distant city noise outside.
Jamal sat with his head against the door as if he could somehow be closer to you through it.
He didn’t knock. He didn’t text. He didn’t call.
Jamal was leaning his forehead against the wooden paneling of the door, his eyes closed. He had spent the last two hours pacing the living room, rewriting a thousand explanations in his head, only to realize none of them mattered if he couldn't just show up and be present.
Without thinking, he took out his phone and typed out “Can i come in?”
Deleted it.
tried again “We need to talk”
Deleted it
Finally he typed out one single line
“i’m sorry” He sent it…then waited
-The soft glow of your phone screen lit up the dark guest room as you stared at Jamal’s message. Part of you wanted to run into his arms and forgive him right now, while another part is too hurt to move yet.
The silence stretched, minutes going by as hours as Jamal waited for a response, and you contemplated how to respond. With every passing second, his stomach twisted tighter until he couldn’t hold on anymore. He swallowed hard, then stood up and quietly twisted the knob of your door, but didn’t push it open all the way, just enough for him to peek inside.
There he saw you, laying on your side with your back facing him, all cuddled up under the duvet as you shoulders still shook with your silent sniffles. You hadn’t noticed him yet, too lost in thought. He contemplated about what to next before mumbling out a small “fuck it” under his breath and stepped inside slowly.
You felt the empty spot in the bed sink beside you and without thinking, without permission, Jamal closed the distance between you two. You were caught in surprise yet made no effort to fight against what he was doing. You felt Jamal’s arms wrap around your waist, and him snuggle his face in your neck as his little breaths tickled you.
“y/n, i’m sorry. i don’t want us to fight” his voice was low and regretful, nothing like the tone he used with you earlier “i love you,” he whispered “so damn much…i’ve just been stupid”
You didnt move at first, still tense, still hurt but his arms you around felt like home after months of distance. And then, you felt his lips press against your neck. You felt your breath tremble and your grip against the pillow getting tighter. You slowly - so slowly leaned back to him. Just a little.
Jamal took it as permission to hold you closer. One arm tightening around your waist while his other hand reached out to brush through your hair.
That did it.
You finally gave in, turning around to face him. Jamal’s eyes were wide, glistening with unshed tears. the moment your gaze met his, he let out a soft smile.
“i missed you so much” he whispered. he leaned forward, resting his head against yours, “i’m so so sorry y/n, i hate that i made you feel alone”
You buried your face in the crook of his neck, the familiar scent almost washing away the bitterness from the last 2 months. “Jamal..” you said, your voice muffled against his skin.
He stiffened slightly, holding his breath as if preparing himself for whatever you were about to say. His grip on your waist tightened, a silent plea for you not to pull away.
"I'm still hurt," you said softly, drawing back just enough to look into his dark eyes. "And we still have to fix this. You can't just shut me out when things get heavy."
“I won't," he promised instantly, his voice thick and urgent. He placed a soft, lingering kiss on your forehead, then another on your cheek, right where your tears had been. "I swear to you, y/n. No more running. No more parties just to avoid coming home. I'll talk to you. Even if I'm exhausted, even if I'm failing, I'll do it with you."
A small, trembling breath escaped your lips, and the tight knot in your stomach finally unraveled.
“Okay," you whispered, letting your hand slide up to cup the back of his neck, pulling him down to you. "I forgive you."
A broken laugh of pure relief escaped Jamal’s lips. He closed the tiny distance between you, pressing his lips to yours in a deep, desperate kiss that carried all the unspoken words, apologies, and promises he hadn't known how to say. It felt like the first real kiss the both of you had in a long time.
When he finally pulled back, he didn't let go. He shifted, pulling you closer against his side and wrapping the blanket securely around both of you. With your head resting securely over his heart and his fingers gently tracing patterns on your arm, the suffocating silence of the apartment was replaced by a quiet, healing warmth. You were finally home. and home was where Jamal was.
