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hey guys sory its been so long since an update, i hav been so busy latley. sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can!

Did she refuse to beta your fic after you stole her poster of Gerard Way?

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. 

Tiaa doesn’t care how beautiful she is, but she had to start the sentence off by reminding us all how beautiful she is. And that she looks awesome. And her hair is exotic.

Whatever that means.

Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. 

Wait, are you mad Edward is attempting to prevent Bella from committing suicide?

how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? 

That doesn’t mean he’s fine with letting her make attempts on her own life, Tiaa.

I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. 

I love this goddamn sentence.

So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties and i smoked some drugs and started to weep. 

To be fair, this is a really solid stoner-goth aesthetic she has going.

…wait, hold up, leather panties? 

Leather panties?

dave came in and made a big smiley face.

He’s in a really good mood for someone whose brother was murdered hours ago.

"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick)

Okay, for the sake of argument, I’ll buy that Dave visually mistook a spliff for chapstick… but can he not smell that she’s smoking weed?

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

Love how Tiaa is suicidal but still needs to make sure we know how pretty she is at all times. Reminds me of the bit in “My Immortal” where Enoby was flirting while sobbing.

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff. 

Well, replace “homework” with “getting raped by the relative of a caregiver, turning into a vampire, and accidentally seriously injuring a classmate” and Dave’s on the money.

he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.

Do I really need to tell this girl to stop humanizing her rapist? She killed him in self-defense! It was one hundred percent justified! C’mon, Tiaa, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Also, nobody cares about Lauren.

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)

Well, yeah, that is weird, but I don’t get the woe-is-me attitude about it. Telekinesis is a really cool ability. Also, turns out Dave is literally so dumb that you can be an obvious nonhuman smoking weed in bed while screaming about wanting to die and he’ll take you for an ordinary teenage girl holding a tube of chapstick.

"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) 

…so did the ashtray miss?

"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! 

I can’t help but feel that the amount Dave and Marie compliment Tiaa on her looks borders on inappropriate, considering she is sixteen and they are her foster parents. 

and i think your boobs hav grown!" 

Case in point.

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said.

I guess it’s a good thing she’s a vampire, then, since I’m pretty sure vampires can’t get back problems.

Wait. Can vampires get high? Does being high feel different if you’re a vampire?

Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left.

That Dave!

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. 

Listen, I don’t know Washington State, but in my neck of the woods small towns don’t have goth nightclubs. 

I love that she specified the pills were drugs, in case we thought they were sugar pills or something. 

bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! 

If there is a goth nightclub in your small town, I guarantee you everyone has heard of it.

i met snoofles on the way and he came with me. 

You’re taking the panda out clubbing?

we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. 

…I’m starting to get very confused about Snoofles. My initial impression was that he’s a regular panda bear, but Tiaa is able to communicate with him because she’s a vampire and can talk to all animals now. But I don’t think ordinary pandas go to clubs, get drinks, and dance to heavy metal music.

Although I’ve never met one, so I could be wrong.

ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda, but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.

I adore the similes in this fic. No idea what Tiaa is on but I definitely know what the author means by feeling like there’s snow everywhere in your head.

"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. 

So… not like straw, then.

he was tall. 

Yeah, you mentioned.

he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

No, it’s good, I dig it. Simple goth on top, bling on the bottom, may or may not be wearing pants? It’s a look.

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay, and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!" 

Of course he’s gay. Look at his outfit! Look at those shoes! I can’t even see him for real and my gaydar is going wild.

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said. 

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

Good on Tiaa for being an ally. I love how Jasper reacts as though he’s never considered the possibility that his gayness might be alright. He’s a vampire too and has been alive for well over a century, so that’s a lot of internalized homophobia… but he’s also been around to witness the entire modern LGBT rights movement, so you’d think he might have gotten the “it’s okay to be gay” message before.

"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. 

If you just got a bad feeling about what might happen next, trust your fucking instincts.

he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.

I really wanna know what they’ve been taking, because even though Tiaa isn’t human I feel like anyone who can get high should have to worry about drug interactions. Weed and alcohol is fine, but aside from that I have no idea what the hell Tiaa is on except that she described it as “pills” and a lot of drugs that come in pill form do not play nice with alcohol. She probably isn’t going to fry her liver or anything like that given that she’s essentially undead, but I doubt she’s immune to having a bad trip.

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. 

A note: At this point in the story I quite literally had to stop the MST for a bit so I could pour myself a very stiff drink. 

The panda has a car. The panda is having a threesome with a vampire and a human in the back of his car while another vampire drives it. This is treated as normal because the panda and his two human(oid) sexual partners happen to all be gay.

Like, I’d normally feel pretty weird about the “promiscuous gay” stereotype being invoked, but I’m way too busy feeling weird that the author thinks it’s normal for gay guys to want to screw a panda because the panda happens to be gay too. Also, keep in mind Snoofles can only talk to Tiaa — the dudes he’s having sex with can’t understand him. I’m gonna say a panda who behaves like a human and owns a car is probably capable of consenting, but I still feel mighty weird about the idea that two dudes who perceive Snoofles as an ordinary, non-talking panda would want to have a threesome with him.

I guess the promiscuity aspect isn’t even bad considering how Tiaa and Edward have been acting with each other throughout the fic. The bestiality, though, I have trouble overlooking.

(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!)

Sure, but do you even know how to drive? In most states, it’s not legal to get a learner’s permit until you’re Tiaa’s age, so we’re not talking “experienced driver with superhuman reflexes,” we’re talking “superhuman reflexes, but on somebody who quite possibly has never sat in the driver’s seat of a car before.”

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. 

But was his black hair like the black feathers of a black raven in the black darkness? I just want to be clear on the color.

he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword (i often have it with me!) but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! 

Oh, of course, her samurai sword. Yep. Been with her the whole time.

Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute but now was SO not the time! 

She’s being attacked by a group of ten or more people, who have overpowered her, restrained her, and blindfolded her, in the middle of the road. Three people (well, a person, a vampire, and a panda) are present and they don’t notice this happening at all.

Like… I know they’re all intoxicated and, uh, otherwise occupied at the moment, but did they not at least pause to notice Tiaa slamming on the brakes to avoid colliding with a stranger in the road?

The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move.

Tiaa has superhuman strength and reflexes. She has telekinetic abilities. She can affect objects and people by touching them. 

Yet she can’t get out of being chained to a chair?

I call BS.

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

She sounds like Wheatley from “ITS MY LIFE!” now.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

Jacob’s a big dude who can turn into a wolf, but he’s also about fifteen and just learning about the whole werewolf thing, so I doubt he’d be “king” of anything. Also Tiaa could take him easy.

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted.

I don’t know why she reacted so negatively to Jacob’s response. There is a longstanding vampire/werewolf feud in the Twilight universe, but Tiaa is very newly turned and shouldn’t know about any of that yet. Learning your kidnapper is a werewolf sucks, but if you’re already a vampire you’ve got an edge too.

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. 

So… not like rain, then.

"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! 

I’ve got to change this blog’s name right away. I don’t know what I was thinking naming it “The Half-World” when I could have named it “The Half-Bread.”

Also, hold up — what did Tiaa do to Bella? Is this just about “stealing” Edward? Jacob and Edward aren’t exactly buddy-buddy, and if Bella’s single Jacob has a chance with her, so if anything I think he owes Tiaa a thank-you.

YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!" 

Well, this really does speak for itself.

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. 

Sounds like my second-grade teacher. She was the daughter of a well-known Republican senator and she had to resign after she tied a kid to a chair with a jump rope. True story.

But something he said had caugt my attention .

Good job on the punctuation.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.

What do you think he meant, genius?

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" 

I guess this does explain Tiaa’s extra powers, but, I have to say, I don’t think Jacob gets to criticize anyone else for being freaky when he can turn into a wolf.

Of corse! It all made sense now! 

It didn’t all make sense. There’s still an interspecies gay threesome that needs explaining.

I was so shocked I fainted,

and also got my periods and commas mixed up,

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom.

Honest to god I love these similes. 

he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me! 

I think I have an idea, actually.

but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD!

Here to save the day! And to end the fic, because this is it for “Forbiden Fruit”: BeckyMac666 left us all on a cliffhanger, so we’ll never know what happens.

thanx for the revews!

You’re so welcome!

Chapter 7 - Surprises!

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute.

Vampires don’t sleep, and no one wakes up “sheepishly.”

I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie.

Vampires don’t eat breakfast, either. Unless she plans on eating Dave and Marie. I wouldn’t object.

THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

You do have a beta reader, right?

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness.

Marie freaks me the hell out. Why is she so perky?

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.

If you can possibly imagine that, because Tiaa’s descriptions of herself in previous chapters weren’t exactly modest.

My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.

So in the Twilight universe, vampire eye color depends on how recently they last fed and what they last fed on. A vampire with human blood in their system will have red eyes; a hungry vampire has black eyes; vampires who eat nonhuman animals (like Edward and his family) have gold eyes after feeding. Tiaa ate Uncle Larry last night, and she’s newly turned, so she definitely has human blood in her body. Her eyes should be red.

I guess her hair’s the same except for the dye job, though, because she used to have multiple colors streaked into her hair and now she just has purple. Not sure how being a vampire would affect that, honestly.

I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.

I love this sentence.

My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed.

I’m just hoping that she still smells like mint and cinnamon.

Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring.

Must be one of those newfangled atomic phones.

Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" and he hung up

Nice vocabulary, Dave. Nice job hanging up on the caller, too.

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling

Why is she always smiling? Is her face stuck like that?

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad!

Yeah, you seem real…

(wait for it…)

…torn up about it.

he was my brother"

Not sure why he needed to remind everyone. Can’t imagine Uncle Larry was a pleasant brother, though, since his entire character consisted of being ugly and evil.

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.

That’s not suspicious or anything! Actually, wait, it’s Dave and Marie; they won’t suspect a thing.

Also, I pictured her doing this like Gir from Invader Zim.

I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!

No, you totally should have killed him.

I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me.

Wow! Love the description!

it was a bear - a big panda bear!

…this is happening in a small town in Washington State, correct?

it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

She’s not wrong.

But, then again, in the context of this story I guess it’s not too implausible.

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

You and me both, girl.

"WTF?" i screamed!

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles.”

Well, thank god, because I have no idea how to pronounce that first thing you said.

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiously

Why is she angry?

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

Oh, I get it. So I think I mentioned this earlier, but in the Twilight universe some vampires gain a special ability after being turned — typically an amplification of some ability they possessed as a human. That’s how come Edward can read minds, his sister Alice has visions of the future, his brother Jasper can influence the moods of others, and so on. Tiaa’s ability to communicate with animals comes out of nowhere only in the sense that it wasn’t foreshadowed; the power fits with canon otherwise.

I’m pretty sure one vampire having multiple extra abilities is unheard of, though. There goes Tiaa breaking the rules again. (Though at this point… after all she’s been through… I guess she deserves something good for a change, no?)

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me.

Hey, hold up. How does the panda know all this shit? Like… how does he know who Tiaa is? How does he know about how vampires work? Even allowing that Tiaa can communicate with animals now, how come this one is demonstrating human-like sapience?

You know what, none of this will ever get explained and I’m done thinking about it. Let’s move on.

I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

This power actually makes sense for volatile, moody Tiaa, but it’s not gonna be very useful until she learns to control it. Which might never happen because this girl is an emotional loose cannon. Also we’re on the second-to-last chapter.

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

Nice going, author. I like how you had Snoofles know things he shouldn’t and then had him not know how he knows those things he shouldn’t. Great writing! Allows you to avoid explaining anything at all!

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles.

I, too, was totally weirded out by your meeting with Snoofles.

I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.

Maybe because they did this every day anyway?

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes.

That is what one typically does in gym class, yes.

i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light.

Being subtle, I see! Good going convincing everyone you’re still human!

Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face.

Did Lauren just try and teabag Tiaa?

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

I swear this fic has the best similes I have ever seen.

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever

And this is relevant why?

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"

Well put, Lauren.

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.

Nasty! Can’t say I feel bad for Lauren, though.

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren.

Oh, come on. Lauren is just a bully, admittedly, but Uncle Larry was a rapist — a particularly violent one committing repeated rape against a teenager, no less. Killing him was just taking out the trash. And Lauren should be okay-ish after a few skin grafts.

I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.

She headed to an Emilie Autumn concert after school or what?

Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

A voices. One voice, but it’s plural. Got it.

(I wanna make a System Shock joke here but I can’t think of a good one.)

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward.

No one on this planet talks like that. I don’t care what time period you’re from.

i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

…alright, I’m not sure how to react to that.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.

I’m pretty sure vampires can’t faint. Did he pretend to faint? Because, if so, that’s really funny.

Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

“Im trunign into a My Immortal characted!11!11!!1” I yielded depressingly as blod streemed down my iviory fetnures. “Ewdard fangz 4 all da help but not even u can salve me now. I”m gong to go slit my rists with a steak so i can end my live of mizery!112!!!!11111”

“OMS no Tiaa dont go!” Edwerd shooted sadly but it waz 2 latte. I cut miself with da knife and da word went blak.

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

Okay, but like… Edward knows your “uncle” had been raping and beating you repeatedly. The Lauren thing might be considered bad, since her main crime was just being an asshole, but Tiaa didn’t mean to hurt her like that, so it’s not really her fault.

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

Dude has a point.

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped

Hey, wanna play a drinking game? Take a shot every time Edward starts crying. Finish your drink every time Edward goes immediately from putting the moves on Tiaa to saying he can’t be with her or vice versa. I guarantee you will get very, very drunk.

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"

That’s a reasonable ultimatum except for the part where she propositioned him for sex while they’re in a public area of their high school.

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow and I cant be with her anymore!

Get wrecked, Bella.

I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

See? Was that so hard?

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect.

Get a grip, kids, you’re at school.

I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot.

What part of “get a grip” was so hard for you to understand?

He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

This is shaping up to be a very vague sex scene, huh?

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I didn’t get any girls in high school, but I guess it was probably because I didn’t speak in butchered old-timey English, huh? Nothing gets teenage girls going like a little bizarre grammar!

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook.

I could get analytical about what it means for Tiaa, who was chained to a bed and nearly raped the day before, to develop an interest in restraining her sexual partners… but I’m far more confused by why the hell there are handcuffs laying around in a high school.

he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.

Why is it lavender? Is he okay?

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth.

I’m far from being a seasoned erotica writer, but if you go from the beginning of the sex act to the climax in a single sentence it really makes it sound like your character came about 10 seconds in. Which, even for a 17-year-old boy, is pretty embarrassing.

The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

I really don’t think it was, actually.

Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE?

It was……………………………. DUMBLEDORE!!11!!!

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan!

Okay, that had to have been a homage to “My Immortal.” And god bless!

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. 

Which probably means it will make no sense now, but we’ll see.

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white Your eyes like amber out of sight Pale angel in my eyes Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

That’s a hell of a poem, but maybe you should stick to prose.

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. 

Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. 

In my original version of the MST I made a comment here about Tiaa needing therapy and antipsychotics. I would have reproduced it as-is, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making light of mental illness; that being said, as someone who goes to therapy and takes antipsychotics, this girl could use some professional medical attention. Like, pronto.

A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. 

It was… VLODEMORT AND DA DETH DEALERS!!11!1

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned 

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! 

That’s a real shocker after he just called her his daughter.

I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! 

Not positive why he’s screaming this part, but I’ll go with it.

Your in terror and peril my daugher! 

God I fucking love this author’s use of the English language.

Beware the vampire boy called edward!" 

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! 

Uh… what? Lemme dissect this.

Tiaa’s dad is a vampire. Presumably her mom was not, though I get the feeling mom may not have been human either. Human/vampire hybrids are an established thing in the Twilight universe, and Tiaa clearly isn’t one (just for starters, she’s apparently been aging at a normal rate, as opposed to the highly accelerated pace at which human/vampire hybrids mature), so let’s assume her mom has some other supernatural shit going on. There’s a curse involved, so let’s say she’s a witch or similar. 

Why the hell would there be a curse on Tiaa that makes her turn (presumably irreversibly) into a vampire if she has sex with a vampire? Who caused this? What’s going on? Is it specifically Edward who’s dangerous to her, or would any other vampire pose the same threat? What is defined as “sex” here? Vaginal intercourse?

What a weird plot twist. Moving the hell on.

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." 

Wait, safe from who? Why would being human make her safer? Would she be targeted specifically for being nonhuman if she were to become a vampire? Why?

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

Geez, Uncle Larry, at least do something about the mold first.

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. 

Oh, okay, so we finally get a sense of how big and strong Uncle Larry is compared to Tiaa. Presumably Atlantiana “strong and graceful like the running anti-lopes” Rebekah Loren is faster than this guy, though. I feel like she might still be able to outmaneuver him.

He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. 

Where did the chains come from? Did Uncle Larry bring them with him or do Dave and Marie keep bondage equipment in the house?

I new he was going to rape me again. 

That’s an impressive deduction.

But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!

I was gonna make a totally different comment here but it actually just struck me (pun not intended) that this is the most in-character Edward has been yet. If you read Twilight, there’s actually a scene where he saves Bella from a group of guys attempting to corner and assault her. His mind-reading ability and stalker tendencies both come in handy here; it’s not a stretch to imagine he might be hanging about in the vicinity of Tiaa’s house, and he would be able to read Uncle Larry’s mind and know what Larry planned on doing to Tiaa. As ridiculous as him conveniently busting in at the nick of time might seem, it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

Never mind, apparently he didn’t actually read Uncle Larry’s mind, or he would have known what the frightful asshole (great phrase) had been doing to Tiaa. So we’re back to the scene making no sense. 

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" 

Edward, man, you’re coming up on 100 years old. You’ve been going through the educational system over and over again for decades. Surely you’ve read some good poetry (by which I mean “surely you’ve read the one or two good poems to have been written in the history of poetry, one of which is definitely ‘The Emperor of Ice Cream’ by Wallace Stevens”) in your time on this earth.

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. 

Promised because he made a promise. Got it.

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

That’s what happens when a Mary Sue shows up in your story! Canon characters start acting really weird to allow the Sue to fill a specific role that would otherwise not exist!

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

I actually think one of the perks of dating a vampire would be being able to pick his brain about pop culture through the ages. Like, it’d be really cool to talk about hip youth culture with someone who has been masquerading as a hip young person for over fifty years; that’s gotta be a unique perspective. But what the hell are the odds of a teenager in the 2000s matching interests perfectly with someone who’s lived through the entire 20th century?

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

…see, now that’s actually completely solid relationship advice.

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! 

Uh, her depression (and/or manipulative tendencies?) isn’t his responsibility. On the other hand, though, this is in-character for Edward.

I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. 

I feel like Edward isn’t very good at judging when a girl is “nice and sweet.”

And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. 

This author’s frequent use of purple prose only makes it funnier when she describes something as minimally as this. “It broke.” Brilliant.

He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

Yeah, could be why.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

Girl, you okay?

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. 

Did this boy just get a hard-on from punching a tree?

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. 

I am literally imploring you to use the word “penis” instead.

We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. 

These two have some impressive stamina considering it’s the first time for both of them. I mean, I guess Edward is a vampire, and Tiaa is... Tiaa, but still.

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

Yeah, he’s like that.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! 

I’ll cut the guy some slack for being eternally seventeen years old, which probably doesn’t come with the best impulse control, but… they had sex for hours, and he only just now started to realize his mistake? 

I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. 

It’s not really shocking, honestly. The entire story has been about Edward’s inability to make up his goddamn mind over whether or not to leave Bella. I’d be angry too, because the constant waffling back and forth is pretty annoying, but… oh, hang on, that actually says she was socked, not shocked. Never mind.

But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! 

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to forget randomly blacking out and having a vision of your vampire dad. That’s the sort of thing that happens so often it’s hard to keep track.

My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!

She’s turning into Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!”

Well, that’s some real authentic-sounding rapist dialogue.

Also, if you remember my comment from earlier about placing bets on which chapter Uncle Larry dies horribly in, and you bet on chapter 6, congrats! You don’t win anything. I’m out of confetti.

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! 

I don’t normally condone vampirism, but in this case — you go, girl! Give ‘em what for!

i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!

I woulda thought he’d have died once his neck was broken, but if she has enough technique to keep him alive to suffer even with a broken neck, more power to her.

AN - can i have some reveiws pls

Here you go!

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. 

Relatable, but why?

My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. 

At least it’s nice and empty in there. Plenty of room to stretch out.

the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. 

Okay, fine, I’m going to comment on the cheerleader thing. Look… Bella being a cheerleader makes negative sense. Her main character flaw (according to Meyer, anyway) is being so clumsy she trips over flat surfaces. She doesn’t possess the coordination necessary for anything physically demanding. Also, she’s explicitly described as being nothing like a cheerleader in the first Twilight book, if memory serves.

It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.  

Don’t know why this is presented as a secondary concern to being picked on by cheerleaders.

Is there a reason Tiaa can’t tell anyone about what’s going on with Uncle Larry? Like, I can think of a lot of potential reasons why she might not be able to seek help here, but we aren’t given any reason, so it’s a mystery. Also, is she at risk of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI, or is she being hurt badly enough to require medical attention? This guy is pretty violent and persistent, but her encounters with him are barely described at this point, so we don’t really know what’s been going down.

Which is probably a blessing.

Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. 

Yeah, he’s like that.

I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. 

Hold up a second. There are four cheerleaders. Counting Tiaa, there are four goth girls. So why is this portrayed as some sort of unequal battle? Both groups are the same size, and I assume Tiaa’s group has an edge because she’s a Mary Sue and the Sue always has an edge, so… why haven’t they sent the cheerleaders packing yet?

I wasn’t really picked on in high school, but I was picked on lots in middle school, and it was always about numbers. I didn’t have any good friends to back me up, so I was an easy target. If it was just one kid going after me I could hold my own just fine, but when I got ganged up on there was a problem. Having a few losers hurl insults at you when you have your own crew of losers to back you up isn’t a bullying problem because there’s no power imbalance. It’s just kids being rude to each other. It’s certainly not on par with, let alone worse than, being raped by an adult man when you’re sixteen.

I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

Oh boy. 

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail 

So I only vaguely remember the talent show, but I’m pretty sure what happens is that Tiaa does compete, and she wins, and Edward loses his mind over it or something. I seem to remember an encounter in Edward’s car after the talent show, too, but we’ll get to that when we get to that.

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!" 

"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

I feel like I’m watching a made-for-TV teen movie on Disney Channel, except this one has a lot of rape in it and also the love interest is a vampire. And the protagonist pimples mutely, whatever that means.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. 

On the bright side, at least Tiaa’s competition is bad so she doesn’t have to be unrealistically amazing in order to win here. On the not-so-bright side, we all know Tiaa is going to be unrealistically amazing anyway and that Bella and her friends are being made to look bad in order to ultimately break up Edward and Bella’s relationship.

At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

I would too if a guy I didn’t know that well stared at me the entire time he was making out with his girlfriend. Fuckin’ weird.

The principal caked up on the stage and said

Hang on. He caked up?

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

Edward put her name down for it, right? I mean, I’m guessing from context that it wasn’t one of her friends who did, even though they all encouraged her to perform. If it was Edward, though, what did he reckon she’d do? Her friends at least have heard her sing, but as far as Edward knows Tiaa’s only talent is… looking pretty, I guess.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. 

Or something.

I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels. 

I mean, sure, but you just criticized the cheerleaders for dressing in revealing clothes a few paragraphs ago.

the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

They clangled? You went to sit on your friends?

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!”

Yep, it was Ewdard. 

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically. 

Is the principal okay?

I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. 

What about the other two cheerleaders? Were they converted to Team Tiaa by all this?

My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy. 

Both of you need to calm down.

I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

For real, what happened to the other two cheerleaders?

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard!  

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" 

I know the author is trolling, but I love the idea that this is what teenage girls find hot — a dude who talks in anachronistic Ye Olde English and gets boners from watching you sing. Because that’s normal.

Actually, I did read a fic once that seemed to be intended as serious erotica, and one character switched into Ye Olde English as soon as the sexy stuff began. And by “sexy stuff” I mean torturing and murdering a Yu-Gi-Oh character. No accounting for taste, I guess.

he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. 

He’s driving, so probably best to leave that alone.

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"

At least someone is in character.

"how mature" I said sacastically. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face

Seems a tad hypocritical when you were considering going for the dick-grab a minute ago.

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

All of this would be a perfectly reasonable gripe except that Tiaa acts the exact same way. I’ll cut them both a little slack — Tiaa for being sexually abused, Edward for internal conflict over whether or not to leave his girlfriend — but, come on, pot calling the kettle black.

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"

Can’t argue with that. Mostly because “despisable” is not a word.

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept

And I take it polyamory is off the table, because it always is.

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

Though I’m glad that this fic at least avoids the cliché of having the Sue figure out that Edward’s a vampire way in advance, it seems odd that she’s given basically no thought to the possibility that he’s inhuman after he’s claimed to be a vampire multiple times.

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

I’d think she’d have noticed too, but she seems incapable of noticing anything’s weird about Edward. The Ye Olde English doesn’t strike her as unusual? His looks aren’t odd? What about the change-color eyes? Mind reading? Really, dude isn’t very good at keeping up the human illusion, which is probably why he and his family typically keep their distance from humans. But there I go talking about canon.

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body. 

Oh yeah, and the temperature thing. I know some people run cold — I’m one of them — but we’re not talking 97 degrees instead of 98; dude is probably room temperature all the time, since he’s essentially dead. Tiaa doesn’t think that’s weird and inhuman?

i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.

Like a reel goff.

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.

I actually really like this fic, so I shan’t be leaving. Also, Vincent’s review was actually fairly positive; he said it’s awful and he’d like to see more of it, please.

Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.

Both of these reviewers called Tiaa a Mary Sue and one linked her to a Mary Sue litmus test. 

I probably don’t need to say it, but Mary Sues don’t need to be perfect, just presented unrealistically. Sure, stereotypical examples are all gorgeous, multitalented teenage girls who steal the spotlight from the canon cast (Tiaa’s basically that stereotype, possibly minus the multitalented bit since that’s not been established yet), but there are loads of Mary Sue characters who don’t fit that mold exactly, or at all. I talked about the “anger problems” thing last time, and even if her looks are justified (spoilers: they aren’t, really) they’re still being dwelled on way too much. We don’t know much of anything about Forks, Tiaa’s peers, or even Edward, but we know Tiaa smells like mint and cinnamon. It’s a classic case of an author being so invested in a character that her priorities as a writer are completely off. Or it would be if this wasn’t a trollfic.

Chapter 2 - edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride”

My initial thought was that the author meant “sweetly” instead of “sweatily,” but I actually think “sweatily” works better because Tiaa’s probably perspiring over how hot the pale guy is. Also, come to think of it, you can totally say something sweatily and I think it’s an adverb we should all be using more often.

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

You see what I mean about how incredible this fic’s prose is? We just went from mangled Ye Olde English to “cockdropping” in the course of a single sentence.

No idea what “cockdropping” means but it definitely ought to be a word. BeckyMac666 is the next Shakespeare or Carroll, honestly. Voice of a generation right here.

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?”

Get used to that typo; Edward gets called “Ewdard” a hell of a lot in this story. Think Enoby from “My Immortal.”

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. 

That typo, on the other hand, only happens once to my recollection.

I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.

There’s a lot happening in that simile. Possibly too much. 

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""

And thou art poorly written, Ewdard.

Not sure how I feel about the mental image of Edward vomiting up a hand and brushing Tiaa’s cheek with it, but it probably did improve the sentence.

"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" 

Shanky?

Just for fun, and in case anyone reading this avoided exposure to Twilight itself, let me talk a little about Edward’s portrayal so far. First off, the Ye Olde English makes no sense — Edward was bitten after falling ill during the 1918 swine flu pandemic, if memory serves, so his speech would be modern (albeit antiquated) English even assuming he didn’t pick up any phrases from being around modern teens. Second off, Edward is really disinterested in… well, everyone but Bella, and with Bella he initially freaks out because he doesn’t know how to deal with being attracted to a human. (Do I date her? Do I suck her blood?) Even if I go with the notion that he’s also into Tiaa, we know this isn’t how he behaves around someone he likes. And he’s a mind-reader, so presumably he knows what Tiaa’s thinking and could shift his behavior accordingly — except that I have a bad feeling Tiaa, like Bella, is immune from having her mind read.

The flowery descriptions are straight outta Twilight, though.

I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

Sounds painful.

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. 

I mean… it’s a small school, it’s not weird that she saw you. Someone so pale he looks like printer paper tends to stand out. Also she never claimed not to have noticed him.

I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me! 

The boy wastes no time, I see. Be nice if he asked first, but… in a fic like this, I don’t know what I was expecting.

Side note: yes, this is incredibly out of character. Edward is a save-it-for-marriage kind of guy, and he’s got practical reasons — the strength difference between a vampire and a human means it’s easy for somebody (the human) to get accidentally hurt.

I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon. 

Can’t say that I either understand or relate to that.

I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. 

By this point I think we’ve moved beyond “tempation.”

He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. 

His… man-carrot. What a fic this is!

And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor. 

I can’t really say anything to make this sillier except that I think all this is still happening in the locker room of a public high school. Also they just met.

We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? 

It took her ten minutes to think of this? I mean… I’ll cut her some slack, they are (presumably) alone, she’s only sixteen, and she’s very attracted to this guy. But c’mon, how did it take her this long to think “wait a minute, maybe it’s bad to engage in foreplay at school with a guy I just met who is dating somebody else”?

I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death! 

Why is his coldness being treated as a selling point here?

I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.

To be fair, she didn’t really do anything. He instigated, and she just… went along with it, I guess. I wouldn’t be that ashamed. He’s the one with the girlfriend.

-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. 

I too think it’s hot when random boys start undressing me in public and then act like it’s my fault somehow while speaking in bad Ye Olde English! So aroosing!

(I’m joking. Please no one do this to me. I will call my lawyer.)

At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible! 

Really didn’t need to know the panties bit.

I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

So Edward thinks Tiaa’s a vampire? While that could potentially explain some things, it also raises a hell of a lot more questions.

Like… maybe Edward felt justified in coming on strong thinking Tiaa was a vampire and therefore on equal footing with him (as opposed to how he acts with Bella). Doesn’t really fit with his character, but I’ll go with it. But Tiaa doesn’t appear to be a vampire, and so this… complicates things. A lot.

Vampires, in the Twilight world and in most myth, don’t age, yet Tiaa claims to have had a normal (albeit bad) childhood and to be only sixteen chronologically. Maybe she’s an unreliable narrator, but, if so, why is she pretending to be human, and why pull a reveal this early in the story? It also doesn’t explain her lack of other vampiric traits; she hasn’t talked about craving blood or even smelling it, her eyes are blue (Twilight vamps have black eyes when hungry, red after feeding on humans, or gold after feeding on animals), and she has no superhuman ability that we know of. 

I guess Edward really can’t read her mind, or he’d know she’s not a vampire, but why isn’t he bothered at not being able to get a read on her? And are we really supposed to believe Tiaa is just so extraordinarily beautiful that a vampire assumed she was also a vampire? Because… wow.

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

Wow, owned.

"thy a CAMPIRE tia! 

Gay vampire who’s into drag and musical theater?

a VAMPIRE! 

Which is it?

BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? 

Oh, he actually is bothered by that. Got it. I thought the author had forgotten Edward can read minds. Sorry, BeckyMac666, I don’t give you enough credit.

I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.

Isn’t Buckly Fist the guy who writes Ctrl+Alt+Del?

I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. 

Good fight scene. I like that she schlepped (made a reluctant or arduous journey) him across the face rather than slapped him across the face. And that he hammed (overacted) her against the wall rather than slammed her against the wall. And… all the other typos.

His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. 

Dunno what this means but it sounds a bit British.

My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs and he drubbed over in pan. 

Massive throbbing gigglestick.

I.

Wow.

Good fic.

I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.

There’s a lot going on here and none of it makes sense but it’s all rather evocative.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes. 

Why did he throw his shirt over her face? Dude’s superhumanly fast! He could have just grabbed her if he wanted! Also, he thinks she’s a vampire, and a shirt definitely wouldn’t slow her down if she was one!

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

Interesting mental image.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! 

“Rut” as a verb refers to a mating ritual that deer and some other mammals engage in. It’s not actual mating, or anything similar to what Tiaa and Ewdard just did; it’s when males fight each other for access to females. So far as I know, this is not a Ye Olde Worde for Sex or Rape or Throwing Your Shirt Over Someone’s Head.

I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"

I mean… yeah, he’s not wrong.

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body. 

Hoping that “snaped” is a “My Immortal” reference.

I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt. 

I actually like the detail here. A goth girl assuming that she’s being called a vampire not in a literal sense but as a comment on her fashion is… kind of funny.

Not gonna comment on that innuendo because honestly I don’t think I can say anything to make it more absurd.

I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over. 

It’s a good thing you said “no joke.” I would have assumed you were joking otherwise. Y’know, the old “my scar is glowing gold!” gag.

The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me. 

I’d maybe be more inclined to side with Tiaa on this one if she hadn’t just went along with it when a strange boy made sexual advances towards her. This dude just helped her to her feet while looking at her weird. And, to be fair, she’s not wearing a shirt.

In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.

I think it means you’re in a badfic? Could be wrong.

AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

If anyone knows what language this is PM me the translation.

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Will Edward give in to tempation? Oh, wait, he already did, never mind.

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! 

That’s a bit worrying.

thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz! 

Hey, you never said she put her shirt back on! Actually, you also described Edward ripping it off her, and we know it’s made out of fishnet, so… I kinda doubt she still has a shirt left to put back on.

one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!

I can’t imagine not liking this story. I’m being serious. It’s a masterwork. It’s right up there with “My Immortal” in my eyes.

NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!

I think the point is to annoy the author. Which appears to be working.

Capter 3 – uncle larry

Wow! Really looking forward to the capter!

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! 

Just me or is she a tad fixated on his hair?

Also… Tiaa isn’t the sort of girl who blends in, and she knows it. She’s aware that she’s pretty and she’s used to getting attention — both positive and negative — because of her looks. She’s also loud (she yelled at Edward when he bumped into her), and she dresses in a manner that… well, let’s just say most small-town high school students don’t dress like Tiaa. This girl isn’t ordinary and she’s well aware of it. Why the false modesty?

But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. 

Not only has she not met Bella yet, she hasn’t heard anyone talk about Bella either, so I don’t know how she came to the “she’s a mean girl with an ugly heart” conclusion.

But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

"its Mike nooton from your class! 

She hasn’t met Mike yet either, unless that happened in the deleted scenes or something. I guess, if he called her house phone, that he could have got Dave and Marie’s number out of the school directory… but this seems a little weird if they’ve literally never met.

I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? 

To clarify, he is talking about a beach. He means La Push. Stuffed animals are probably not involved.

Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

I can maybe buy that a high school boy is desperate enough to ask a random pretty girl to a party with him in the hopes that maybe it’ll kindle some sort of romance, but this is a really bad way to go about it. Asking out a girl you’ve never met is… not the best plan. Why not just frame it as inviting her along because she’s a new student and it would be a good opportunity for her to hang out and make friends? You don’t have to be explicit about your crush before you’ve even had a conversation with her.

Also I think Mike is already dating Bella’s friend Jessica, but fuck her, I guess.

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

"you mean bella and jessica's gang? 

I’m gonna wait a bit to talk about how weird it is that Bella is hanging with a “gang” of cheerleaders, but like… why does Tiaa know Mike hangs out with them? Again, this is their first conversation, and (as far as we know) the first time she’s even heard of him.

Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. 

He’s maybe undermining his own point there.

And they can be mean sometimes.-"

So… like anyone, then?

"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! 

Oh, Tiaa, you and I were on the same page until you pulled the fake modesty card. Besides, isn’t this a bit of an overreaction? He asked you to hang out with him at the beach, it’s not like he’s proposing marriage or anything.

And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!"

What exactly does she mean by “screwed up in the brain bran”? Like, are we talking legitimate mental illness, or is this just teenage angsting? And, in either case, what exactly is her problem that makes her undateable? This is about the vaguest possible rejection, and I don’t know if she’s implying something is actually wrong with her or that she’s just Not Like Other Girls.

"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around and forget there names and forget to brethe! 

That’s your only reason? She’s pretty? Weren’t you saying something about cheerleaders being shallow a minute or two ago?

How can't you have noticed that? 

Decent point, actually. If your character is dropping jaws and turning heads with her beauty, either she’s aware she’s beautiful or there’s a reason she doesn’t realize. Like… maybe Tiaa thinks the people staring at her are doing so because of how she dresses, not because they think she’s pretty. Tiaa has actually seemed pretty aware of her effect on others throughout, though, so unless she’s just playing modest around Mike for some reason this scene doesn’t make any sense.

And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! 

He’s not even gonna ask for clarification on that?

Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "

The argument he’s making would probably be way more convincing if this wasn’t, you know, their first conversation ever.

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.

Oh, come on.

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen. 

Yeah, I guess when compared to the weird dude who tried to fuck you in a locker room and threw a shirt at your head Mike really isn’t worth a second thought.

Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore, a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. 

My mistake, they were in a hallway, not a locker room. Not sure if that’s better or worse, but, depending on how busy that hallway normally is, it’s probably worse.

I creamed myself. 

Didn’t need to know that.

My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore. 

I mean… she didn’t, really. She went along with his advances up to a point, and it doesn’t really show good judgement on her part, but he was the one acting like a “hore” in this situation. Putting the moves on a random girl in a public space when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Keep it classy, dude.

I was scared of the affect he had on me.

Effect. “Affect” is a verb. Nice sentence otherwise.

(Okay, if you’re a grammar pedant, “affect” isn’t always a verb… it can also be a noun, when we’re talking in a psychology context, which Tiaa isn’t.)

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

Convenient. Two less characters for the author to have to deal with.

Wait, no, oh my god, I just remembered what happens in this chapter.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!”

I… okay, that’s some natural dialogue.

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. 

Come on, girl, it’s just a compliment! Not like she’s hitting on you! At least I hope not.

I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking.

I kind of like that Tiaa is a goth girl who likes bright pink. There are plenty of real-life goth girls like that, but you pretty much never see them in fanfiction.

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"

You know “leaven” is what you do to bread to make it rise, right?

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!

Freudian slip? I mean, she is pretty embarrassing.

Marie smiles and leaves the house.

Marie doesn’t give a fuck, it seems.

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

You know he’s a bad guy because he’s ugly. That’s how it works!

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?”

Nice to meet you too, Uncle Larry.

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

I’ve just thought of a fun game. There are five more chapters left. Let’s all place bets on which chapter Uncle Larry will get horribly murdered in.

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me! 

I know the implication is he’s watching her in a pervy way, but if I was making someone wash my car and I didn’t particularly like them I’d keep an eye on them too.

After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face

"wft!" i shouted

What Fuck The?

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!

I really don’t want to be laughing at a rape scene, because rape is one of those things that’s just inherently unfunny, but… this is testing me. I mean, an entire half hour of spanking? The dramatic announcement that he began raping her after he forcibly stripped her naked and spanked her for thirty minutes, as if this is a surprise? The fact that all of this is happening in plain view of any neighbors Dave and Marie might have? Good lord. I truly do not know how to react.

I also have to wonder why Tiaa makes little attempt to fight back here. It’s pretty reasonable to freeze up when you’re violently attacked, but Tiaa has proven that she’s both capable and willing to fight off anyone she perceives as a threat (kung fu babie!) previously in the story. Is Uncle Larry too physically powerful for her to win against? We don’t really know how big he is compared to her, and Tiaa has been described as strong and fast previously. Both of them are unarmed, and, if there are neighbors, the noise should alert someone to what’s going on (Tiaa has been shouting/screaming throughout). Why is he getting away with all this? Oh, right, plot reasons.

"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop! 

Shocker.

The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. 

Didn’t need to know about his dick, thanks!

I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. 

Wait… hours? This guy has impressive stamina.

I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.

“Seething darkness of the midnight street” is a pretty good phrase, actually. I mean, super cheesy and doesn’t really mean anything, but if this was lyrics some alt-rock band wrote I’d accept it.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. 

It was… VLODEMONT AND DA DETH DEALERS!

I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,.

It was… VOLSEMORT IN A WIG AND DA DEATH DEELRS!

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

Well, we all saw that one coming a mile off.

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark.

I hope she whispered the acronym instead of saying “oh my god.” Her dad will be totally confused! Old people don’t know how acronyms work!