#fams

When a conflict comes up, there’s typically a build up. It’s one thing, then two things, then three. There’s some sort of need that isn’t being met, like an open wound going untreated.  --------------------------------------------- Side note: (I learned this in therapy) people respond differently to needs coming up in relationships. This is called ‘attachment types’ (feel free to google, there’s like 5 of them). These attachment types relate to whether or not needs are being met in a relationship, and how people respond to meeting said needs. My therapist has informed me that needs don’t always need to be met. But they should be acknowledged, either by yourself or your relationship partner, in order to be processed instead of creating this build-up. Just thought it was interesting to apply here. ---------------------------------------------- Because of this build up of continual unaddressed problems, conflict arises. The parties involved can either come to a solution, or a non-solution. A solution resolves it! And our people can heal from it and move on! If it’s not resolved, then we get a sort of loop. This is just another Thing TM to add to the list of transgressions, and another conflict will arise shortly.  Sometimes solutions don’t always work out properly either. In that case, you can go back and re-work your solution. If it’s not working babe, it’s not working! Don’t beat a dead horse! Negative approach When one of the partners becomes aware of the frustration, they tend to move forward into conflict with a negative, aggressive approach. “Why did you do this? This makes me so frustrated!” The recipient, in turn, is going to be defensive. It’s not going to be interpreted as helpful, or constructive. It feels like an attack, and they won’t respond in a positive way. They are less likely to see things from your perspective, and acknowledge the issue. These are considered the ‘four horsemen’ of relationships (The beginning of the end): -Criticism -Defensiveness -Contempt -Stonewalling When you think back on failed relationships, how much of these four were present? Keep in mind, all relationships go through these sort of trails. The difference is if there’s a reoccurring pattern. --------------------------------------------- Remember, the goal here isn’t to tear the other apart. You are friends, family, partners-- whatever it may be. The goal is to help each other find a solution. You’re working together as a team, not against one another. --------------------------------------------- Criticism “Negative and global expression that gives an opinion on a person’s character and personality.” Starts with absolutes.              -“You always do this!” “You never do that!” “What’s wrong with you?” A complaint is focused on a behavior. A criticism is an attack on the actual person. Defensiveness “Defending oneself from a perceived attack.” Righteous indignation, a counter attack, whining, frustrated explanations. One form of defensiveness is retreating into the head and responding with things like “Honey, you need to calm down.”            - “But look at all the good things I do!” Pretty common in relationships. Contempt “Feeling superior to your partner.” A form of disrespect. “I am better than you.” A result of long-simmering negative thoughts about the other. Eyerolling, belligerence, cynicism, name calling, mockery.              -“oH iM sOrRy, DiD tHaT hUrT yOuR fEeLiNgS?”<<That energy, you know the type. Humor to be mean. Stonewalling “An emotional, psychological, or even physical withdrawal.” Shutting down, tuning out. A sign of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and flooded with feelings, and they withdraw as it’s the only way they can cope with the attack.            -Looking down, looking away, crossing arms, few verbal responses or cues. Sighs, looking at their watch, waiting for it to be over. “In heterosexual relationships, this most often occurs in the male; that’s what I’ve found. Not always, but it’s common. Women do it as well, it’s not one way or another. Usually happens later in a relationship as well.” -Professor PART TWO WILL BE REBLOGGED AFTER I TAKE NOTES FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE LECTURE :)