#false-self

Master post -!

There were countless times that I tried to get sober but I refused to get rid of my false-self and my masks.  Due to my unwillingness, I always relapsed shortly after I got sober.  It wasn’t until 2 years ago that I finally surrendered to the process of recovery as I couldn’t go on living that way anymore.  Although it was hard, I began the process of self-discovery and true recovery at South Orange County Detox & Treatment.  I’ve been clean and sober ever since and I became reunited with my true-self again.  I’m no longer a wasted junkie… I’m loving, caring, hardworking, smart and a good human being and nobody can change that.

Masks, disguises, costumes.  Ordinary people might dismiss these words as irrelevant or assume that these words don’t apply to daily life, but they do – more that you suspect. How many times have you found yourself in a room of people and thought, “These people aren’t revealing who they truly are”, or, “These people are putting on a front”… We all, at some point in our lives, hide behind a false-persona – a suit we tailored through our own experiences to hide our vulnerabilities and defects and to portray one’s self as one who has no vulnerabilities or character defects.  At least I know I do… and have for many years.  This mask that I wear wasn’t developed at once, but over many years starting from finding my place and identity in my family at a young age.  I’ve built my mask with false confidence glued together with a rigid, steel-like material that I wasn’t able to break free from and reveal myself from until I started working with Salina.  Currently in a relationship I’m trying to rebuild, I’m shedding my disguise and trying to reveal my vulnerabilities, defects and even strengths in order to have a full and meaningful relationship with my girlfriend, the people I love, and most importantly myself. Because if I don’t shed that claustrophobic suit, I’ll never be free.

Masks, disguises, costumes.  Ordinary people might dismiss these words as irrelevant or assume that these words don’t apply to daily life, but they do – more that you suspect. How many times have you found yourself in a room of people and thought, “These people aren’t revealing who they truly are”, or, “These people are putting on a front”… We all, at some point in our lives, hide behind a false-persona – a suit we tailored through our own experiences to hide our vulnerabilities and defects and to portray one’s self as one who has no vulnerabilities or character defects.  At least I know I do… and have for many years.  This mask that I wear wasn’t developed at once, but over many years starting from finding my place and identity in my family at a young age.  I’ve built my mask with false confidence glued together with a rigid, steel-like material that I wasn’t able to break free from and reveal myself from until I started working with Salina.  Currently in a relationship I’m trying to rebuild, I’m shedding my disguise and trying to reveal my vulnerabilities, defects and even strengths in order to have a full and meaningful relationship with my girlfriend, the people I love, and most importantly myself. Because if I don’t shed that claustrophobic suit, I’ll never be free.

 In active addiction I had to continuously reinvent myself, almost every minute, because my world could (and would) change in an instant – and there was no time for looking back. Sometimes the changes were forced on me. Sometimes they happened by accident and I had to make the most of them. I had to constantly come up with new ways to ‘fix’ myself. So, I changed, I adapted, I created new versions of myself that usually weren’t consistent with my true-self or in line with my morals and values. Addict or not, there’s constant pressure to adapt to changes. It can be a painful process. But without it, you’ll find yourself moving backwards instead of forwards.  But now that I’m in recovery, I’m always trying to ensure this new version is an improvement over the last, that it’s authentic. Enlightenment is a destructive process; it takes away all you think you know. It’s a blessing that feels like an injustice, and for me one that will likely last a lifetime. It’s not one ‘aha’ moment, it’s a continual process – one step forward, two steps back. I’m constantly learning, like an infant, because essentially that’s what I am early on in recovery; I’m being reborn.  It might be hard for us to admit, but there’s no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you are. A little self-awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are it’s easier to know what you’re about and what you really need. 

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