#false self system

I realize I've been supressing something > I start connecting with it then expressing it > the expression becomes more formulaic and hollow each time I engage it

It always seems to end with looking back once it's too late and realizing I've instinctively and unconsciously stripped everything of spontaneity and aliveness, like it's a line in a play, a performance so bland no one can pin it down, it becomes as much of a constricting mask/shield as everything else. I start expressing what I don't feel in the moment, I feel disconnected with it while trying to identify as it and somehow deluding myself that the performance is authentic because I once did feel it that way, the entire goal was to integrate it into my personality, and it then becomes a gross caricature of what originally inspired it.

I'll probably figure something out eventually, I just hate that unless I'm always vigilant which I don't have the energy for, this disorder just parasites off me again.

I think I may have to rest with the uncertainty of my lacking sense of self, and just allow my expression to morph instead of constantly inwardly policing it, need to push to express what I always assume is unacceptable (ie signs of being human or affected), instead of trying to pin myself down into some identity box of "the person who acts like (this) or [that]", especially to control what others will then do or not do to me, none of it could never embody what I am.

[ The term schizoid refers to the splitting of the self. The schizoid individual complains of feeling isolated, disengaged, shut-out, unconnected, and apathetic. There is a consuming need for object dependence but attachment threatens the schizoid with the loss of self. The individual protects an insecure sense of self by emotional withdrawal and affective isolation. Unable to make emotionally meaningful commitments, the person often feels that life is futile and without purpose (Meissner 1988). Existential phenomenology describes the schizoid sense of identity as suffering ontological insecurity (Laing 1959). The schizoid frequently has few friends, is not involved with community or society in general, and may appear shy or eccentric. There may be paranoid features: sensitivity, guardedness, and suspiciousness (Meissner 1988).