#false attraction

Hey friend!

I’m so glad to hear that you’re in a loving relationship <3 I can tell that your girlfriend means a lot to you, and I’m so sorry that your OCD took advantage of that. 

You might have heard of the term Relationship OCD (ROCD) before, but in case you haven’t, here is a website that talks a little more about the ways ROCD can manifest and affect you and your relationship. 

False attraction can be so frustrating, because it really can feel so real. In the moment it can be entirely impossible to tell whether or not it’s real. The more you try to understand it and dissect it, the more confusing and anxiety-inducing it becomes. I’ve definitely been there! That is because trying to figure out whether the crush is real is a compulsion. You may ruminate about this “crush” (think deeply about it, go through past interactions and memories with this person, try to prove it wrong, etc.) and you may also check how you feel and react when your with this person or thinking about this person. Both ruminating and checking are compulsions. They can sometimes provide momentary relief, but they ultimately make things worse and continue the obsessive cycle of OCD. 

Nina Kraviz- False Attraction

Hi friend :)

I’m really sorry to hear that you’e struggling with all this doubt and confusion. I know how scary it is to feel like your feelings are running away without you. 

Absolutely! There is actually a term for this known as False Attraction. In the moment, when you’re anxious and obsessing, it can be near impossible to tell it apart from real attraction. But false attraction and real attraction are obviously very different. You might get an intrusive thought telling you that you’re attracted or feel affection towards something, and then begin to obsess about whether the thought is true or not. Checking to see how your body and mind reacts to confirm or deny this intrusive thought (which is a compulsion and only makes things worse / more confusing in most cases). 

Hey there!

Well, truthfully there is no absolute way to “tell”. I don’t mean that it might not be fake, I mean that symptoms of fake attraction can change, and it’s near impossible to decipher whether it’s fake or not in the moment.

Real attraction can make people feel giddy, happy, aroused (normally positive things, unless the attraction has been shunned by friends, family or society... in which case these positive feelings might be followed by shame, regret). False attraction can make people feel anxious, disgusted, fear, confusion, guilt, and it can lead to groinal responses (and even butterflies in your chest). One of the reasons why it can be impossible to tell is because anxiety can mimic symptoms of attraction. Doubt and obsessive thinking can make you wonder and question if maybe the symptoms are real. Every time you offer proof to yourself that it’s fake, your mind will come up with another “but.” That’s just how obsessions and ruminating work, unfortunately.

I know it may not feel like it, but it’s not important if it’s real or not (just like the theme of the obsession isn’t important). It will be helpful for you to focus on how your responding to these troubling feelings. Trying to figure out if they’re real often leads to compulsions like checking and rumination. So it’s often best to use coping mechanism when you’re faced with these feelings! So if you get a thought like “what if this attraction is real?” you can respond with “yeah yeah cause that is tooootally plausible” with as much sarcasm as you can muster! I know it might seem frightening to do this at first, but this can help to remind your brain that these thoughts have no power of you. It can also help to take away how serious the thoughts can feel.

Hey friend!

I know how tricky and worrisome false attraction can be. Though, a part of false attraction is that it appears like real attraction. In the moment, while you’re obsessing and anxious, it can be near impossible to tell it apart from real attraction. 

It’s important to know that trying to figure out false attraction always makes things worse. Trying to disprove thoughts, check how your body is reacting, and ruminating on the subject are all compulsions. They continue the cycle of obsessing and make anxiety worse. It might be a good idea if you write down all of the compulsions that you do, and the situations that you often feel the urge to do them. Compulsions are the things we do to try and ease the anxiety that an intrusive or obsessive thought causes. They can be mental or physical: reassurance seeking (online, from others or yourself), checking or testing yourself, ruminating, avoidance, mentally undoing things, going through memories to look for “proof”, etc. 

Hey friend!

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this! I know how hard it can be to tell if what you experienced was false or real attraction, especially when your symptoms change (as they often can)! It can be really distressing!

I do want to say, first and foremost, that many people who experience false attraction can’t tell whether what they experienced was false attraction or not in the moment (as it’s really easy to mistake feelings of anxiety for feelings of enjoyment, attraction, arousal etc.). It can be near impossible when you’re in the process of obsessing! And trying to figure it out, ruminating about it, checking again and again, are actually compulsions and will only make your fear and anxiety worse. You didn’t get the same anxious feeling as you normally do, but attaching a meaning to this and dwelling on it will only make things worse for you. When this happens, it’s best to do coping mechanisms if you feel like ruminating or checking.

I also should mention that symptoms often change. Mental illness is rarely stagnant. This can cause a lot of fear for people with OCD especially, because “if I’m not getting this symptom, what if it means it’s real this time.” For example, you may be feeling anxiety but maybe you aren’t getting the old symptom of chest anxiety or heart discomfort of some kind.

Hey there :)

I’m sorry to hear that you’re POCD symptoms are starting again and causing you trouble. False attraction absolutely sucks and can be so frightening.

A lot of people, when they’re in the middle of obsessing about a false attraction and are feeling anxious, can’t tell whether or not the attraction is real. Then, like you said, later on when the anxiety is gone and you’re thinking clearly (not obsessing or ruminating), you may think “of course it’s not real! Why wasn’t that obvious to me then?” But it is very hard to tell in the moment because your experiencing all these anxiety symptoms and intrusive + obsessive thoughts.

Groinal responses are a symptom of anxiety, not attraction!

I know it can be tempting to check for these bodily symptoms but checking is actually a compulsion. Compulsions are things you do to try and relieve the anxiety that the obsession is causing. Although they may seem harmless, they aren’t! They actually continue the cycle of obsessing and anxiety.

I know that sometimes we find relief that can minimize or stop the symptoms for a little while, but this usually doesn’t last (as you may be noticing now). This is why therapy and treatment for OCD is so important! You can learn healthy coping mechanisms to control the anxiety. Exposure Response Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy help you know how to respond to intrusive thoughts and manage your compulsions. You can get help! I think it would definitely be worth your time to talk to a doctor about what you’re experiencing.