#falling outs

Step 1 - having a big falling out

Step 2 - convince yourself this is really the end of our friendship

Step 3 - go a couple weeks to a month without missing the other

Step 4 - start wondering how the other is doing in life

Step 5 - start checking out the other's tumblr or facebook

Step 6 - gradually start missing the other till it becomes all consuming

Step 7 - contact the other

Step 8 - convince yourself things will work this time.

Step 9 - give friendship another try

Step 10 - repeat step one

The steps may not be quite the same for you, but the general flow of things is there. Bottom line is: I can't do this anymore.

I'm so tired of missing you all the time. Sometimes I can't even figure out why I miss you. Every time we have a falling out, you call me a bad friend, a bad person, and make some negative comment about my relationship. It really hurts my feelings  but after some time, it's like I forget all the mean things you said. 

I want to be your friend so bad sometimes, but I have to accept that we no longer have the compatibility to have a functional relationship as friends. Perhaps its been that way for a long time but we keep trying to cheat the system. Why wouldn't we try? We had such amazing chemistry when we first started out as friends and that's not to say there's not still chemistry there, it's just not enough anymore. 

It's going to be a long journey trying to move on for real this time. It's just like when you have a really bad break-up. It takes time to get over because everything makes you think of that person. Songs, movies, quotes, places, people, and feelings in general. You're in so many things for me as i'm sure I am for you. 

Maybe after some time really passes, things will get easier. Seems really hard now with everything going on in our lives. It's going to feel so strange not having you at my baby shower this weekend. Lord knows I've thought about inviting you at least a dozen times. It'll feel even stranger when I have my baby and you don't come to visit. And you...it seems your life is really taking off (yes I reached step 5). You've met your dream guy and you've made things such as fitness, fashion, reading, and writing such a huge priority in your life. You seem really happy. It just seems strange to not be apart of each other's life at such a crucial time. 

I just want you to know that even if I don't want to at times (because of how painful it is), I will always miss you. I will never let myself forget certain memories such as Bartebly, starbucks with Brandon and Jeremy after school, Ultrabar, Florida, all of our sleepovers, and all of our late night talks about life and love. 

I wish you all the best in life. I will no longer be checking in on your tumblr because i'll never move on if I don't stop. I'll always wonder about you. Know, that i'm not saying goodbye for forever because no matter how serious and permanent things seem at the time, change is possible. We may not be right for each other right now, but maybe someday when we're more mature and more established, we'll find each other again. 

I finally deleted all of the pictures I had of me and this other person from my facebook

and now my obligatory "my friends and me" folder is like nothing