#faermorn

This search, this errand, is perhaps a terrible idea. Why did I think I could undertake such a thing. There is a beast, come from the forrest like the black beast I have fought before, but smarter, talking, and white. He knows. He knows I found the stone, the orb of the gods hidden deep in the wilds. He knows I played the songs, though I don't know if he knows why. He came to the village and tracked me down. And I would have fought him. One of us would have killed the other. I would have probably died again. But now I want to find him. Is this power I feel part of some curse? Is Faermorne laughing at me from the beyond? I won't be anyone's hound, not for anything. I AM NOT a beast. A monster maybe, but I am not one of those things. I fear these changes I feel. I feel it all the time now, pulling, calling me to the wilds. Maybe I should go back to Esterwell. Maybe I should I DONT RUN. I stand. I STAND. I know what I believe in. And I will hold fast through the fire and through the gale. I AM Horace Lyndsay, I am the one that stands and fights.

I was having some stupid dream where I was splitting wood by my house. The sky was red and cloudy, and it was like the war was going on all around me. I thought I woke up, but I was still in my dream land. When I turned, there was another world to one side growing all around me into my dream. I felt awake, and suddenly dumfounded when I saw a woman, who was many women, even appearing as my beloved at one point. She seemed to resolve, and then I recognized Faermorn, my White Queen. "Corporal Horace Lyndsay…" She whispered

I was confused as can be. “What is this, and how can it be? This can’t simply be a dream.” I paused for a moment, and moved closer. “Can it really be you, the one who made my heart to feel again?”

She replied, “This place is within you, Corporal. It is within everyone, if they know where to look.” She held out her hands to me and I held them in mine. “I am everyone, everything…” She sighed.  “But here and now, for this moment, I am just me….because of you. As your heart sees me…Your destiny awaits…there are many paths. A soldier without a war…or a warrior seeking a higher cause…Where does your heart lead you, Orie?”

I was almost crying when I heard her words. "I have missed you, and thought you were gone forever. Like so many things I have had to give away to time and fate. But here you are, and you are a treasure, surely. My words fall short; I cannot compliment something so far and away from the compass of language. You are the most perfect thing I have ever beheld.” The dream world distorted like my former dream was trying to take over.  “In this place, must I still be changed? I am human, and that means something to me. I may be cursed to never see my home again, maybe never to die, but I am a man. Fate and destiny have never been my concern; I have always lived for the day. Separated from my love, death was my only wish. I am no coward, understand? And so the soldier became my means to that end. Violence was always something I abhorred, and I do still. My hands are strangely gifted to be just as mortiferous as they are productive in creation. The desire of my heart had been to love, and be loved. You sparked in me that desire once again. I would love you and have pined so in your absence. I almost wish I had put myself aside, let you change me. What would you wish from me? What would you make of my destiny?”

She seemed more human by the time she answered. "This place is where your truest self exists, what is most central to your soul. But even here Fate will find you, whether you will it or no. Life is the gift given unconditionally to all creatures, great and small…Life is change, a flow of time in the sea of all- …It is up to you, to all living things, what paths to take, what choices to make, with the life given to you… But there are tides that ebb and flow across all Creation in which many are swept up…." She seemed closer now. , "I cannot tell you what your heart desires most. Only you can know the truth of it…The most important choice is what shall guide you…..Love…or its lack, in your life's journey, Orie…" She kissed me.

I embraced her, cheek to cheek. “If you would have me, I would follow you to the ends of the Earth, or whatever place we find ourselves. We would belong to us, and no one else and there would be no question of soldier, warrior, lover. I would be what you needed, what you wanted and all that for as long as I draw breath.”

“I am your dream here, Orie.. Here I can be whatever you wish of me, here and now… To give love and give light back into your heart…I could show you so many things both wondrous and strange… We could stay here forever, you and I… But I am More now. To truly follow me you too would have to become More. To no longer stand still, waiting for what comes. To choose a path to fate. To step from your dream here and choose to live your life again.”

“What must I do? How can I love you?” I had a moment of doubt, recognizing her fae nature. “If you were to love me--would you change the thing you loved? Am I somehow inadequate, undeserving as I am? Or must I change for some other purpose?”

She answered me so sweetly. “You are stronger than you know, Orie. You carry within you a greater potential than you realize or accept. You have lost everything but your life and your misery yet you cling to what remains, looking away from the future…..The moment you stepped from the carnage of your war into the realm of the wyld, you were changed by that act whether you knew it or not. Every encounter and circumstance along your journey has brought change and the choice of what you shall do and be. Thus it has been from the moment you first drew breath and so it shall be until you loose your last. Perhaps the better question to ask would be why you were drawn from your world into mine by your own seeking heart…” Then she asked me, “I Am the Life and Chaos burning in the heart of stars, the seeds of Creation itself, the Desire that quickens all things, the Wyld of All. There is love and then there is Love. To follow Me is to follow your own heart wherever it may lead you no matter how perilous or strange the paths… Are you brave enough to follow your heart, Orie?”

“I have nothing but my broken soul.” Then I realized the futility of my argument, and simply gave my answer. “I am your man. I will follow you, my heart, and damn the consequences. Tell me what your heart desires, and I will seize it directly.” Then I kissed her. I wish upon reflection that I had never stopped kissing her. When it ended she spoke again-

“I desire for you to find what your heart has been seeking, Orie…..If you seek Me, gaze upon the stolen part of me that has been carried to your land…and if your desire is strong enough, you shall once more step into the heart of Faerie…Or you can seek the oldest woods instead to wander trackless by the light of the Willowisps back to the Summerlands…Either way I shall await you there….” I could see the things she described in the strangest detail, instantly knowing things about them.

Her beauty was mind boggling, maddening possibly. I don’t know how it was initiated, but we were kissing again when I realized something. “There is a mallorn branch in Esterwell? Am I not with you now? Will-  Will I wake in my bed there?”  Something happened. I felt a darkness and a stabbing pain in my mind. This dream world started to shake, and I threw my arms around Faermorn, unwilling to let her go. “When I awake I WILL come for you! I will find you or die trying! My life is yours, my love is yours, please help me find the way!”

No more had I said this, than she gasped aloud. It was like suddenly I held a reborn, wholly real person. But things were coming unhinged in the earthquake around us. I feel a sting when I recall her words then, more human sounding that ever and with her seeming surprised by it all. "Orie, I…I will live again….If you find me…the missing parts of me….I will be-“ And before she was able to finish she was torn from me, drawn away in an otherworldly torrent. But as she faded and things grew more violent sill, I saw something internally. – the Mallorn branch in the hand of a woman I somehow knew to be named Isabella - A small red crystalline shard held by a short armored figure backlit by raging fires - A pool lit by phosphorescent colors, ghostly rippling glyphs upon a mysterious orb reflecting from cave walls-

After the images had faded and all was swallowed up in blackness, I shot awake. I wrote down all I could remember, and now have recorded it here with the added details of my continued hindsight.

I have seen the woman, Isabella. That is the name she uses here as well, and she lives in my building with a dark haired man and at least one child that I have met on the street. I have observed them in no great detail. The stone and accompanying figure I believe to be Galyanna with the stone she retrieved from the sea monster. The pool I have never seen, but I imagine it to be somewhere in the Summerlands.

I'm just confused I guess. Maybe when I have heard about the duality of man, this is the sort of thing they were talking about. It's  not like I get the paper, or that we have a newsreel. I don't have a library or any way to look up the stuff that is recalled to memory that didn't happen in the last century. I have scarcely heard of anyone with knowledge of my time or anything later, so maybe, with perhaps a few odd exceptions, I am the freshest arrival. Maybe there is some sort of time bubble that Ashourne existed in, and these people and I were riding a cannonball off the rail of time. Points of philosophy and their meaning aside, I feel like I am straddling two lives. On one side, I want to be a cadaverous mechanism, the soldier. There is an utter selflessness and emotional detachment required, but previously inherent in this vein. The other side, could have boiled over in my visits with Faermorn. It desperately wants to live, and take up the life I had buried and left behind. Like the renewal of wilderness in the spring, it wells up in me like budding limbs. It is tender and merciful, loving and in a slight way, selfish.

I want you to know, whoever might find this, I did my best not to change. I meant to stay true to who I am. But things are so difficult here when all you have is your flesh and blood. My steel has proven useless for the most part. I asked the white queen, If I asked for you to make me dangerous, what would you offer me? I can make you a Fae, she said. I told her thanks but no thanks. I hope that didnt obligate me to something somehow, even though one cancels the other. She offered something from her armory. Hell, I was carrying three axes, a .45, and an armory of my own. Maybe it was four axes? Vedis doesn't seem to care any more about trying to offer me things, even though I lay it out there that I need something better if I am going to be useful. I think she is scared, even if she were to trust in who I am, to make me dangerous to her kind. That sews doubt in my mind. If she has nothing to hide, and knowing my devotion to protecting those who deserve it,maybe she thinks I will find she doesn't really deserve my help. But maybe she has doubts of her own, either in me or herself. Maybe she knows what the watchers told me. Maybe she knows I can resist her charms. I have written a lot of maybes on this page. I hate uncertainty. There is always the roads. But that temptation is worse than lust. I could do something horrible if I were there.