5/20/10

I haven't spoke to anyone since I got here. Just like nonverbal. But I think it makes it easier for me to reflect on myself. I don't always need to speak..it's not a "seen not heard" mentality. But I find peace within myself when I'm quiet now.

I used to find fear within silence when I played Venus, because I knew I had to be stuck with my mind alone, which is terrible. For me at the time.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but when you have a disturbed mentality it becomes hard to evaluate your thoughts. Or even stomach them.

The more I stop pretending, my mind becomes clearer. The less of an act I play , the more I can stomach my mind.

Because it's my mind, and not Venus' anymore.

5/20/10

My persona slowly fades. The problems, the lust, infidelity, hyper confidence, the everything. It takes so much to realize the role my character plays in life. Where she will play the problem, the villain sometimes, the joke.

But it takes a lot of guts to realize the persona slowly becomes a problem. To the point you admit yourself to a mental hospital. Away from the people who love your character.

I think that's why I did it..I got attention from my disruptions , energy, and all of the things that make Venus. I had to fight for my soul back, I had someone lobotomized, I cheated, even when I never thought I was. I thought it was a part of the character I was meant to play in this cruel world.

But ..I'm not meant to be lustful, problematic, pink, loud, ditzy, and obsessed. I meant to be romantic, I should be making my lover breakfast, I should be reading poems by Edgar Allen Poe, being a romantic goth..draped in red and black..my hair in it's natural color, I wait calmly..

I went to law school...I have so many talents I wasted just to ignore my terrible self hatred for the shell of the woman I used to be. I realize..every hour I stay in this facility, the more I stay in this room the more I come to realize myself.

I'm not performing in this room, I'm not acting for anyone in this room, I'll sing and I'll draw, but I'm not acting..

There's no room to act in here. I'm forced to sit in my own skin. Where my pinkish dark red and light reddish pink hair dye is starting to fade from my hair..I'm stuck having to see my dark red hair, my foundation's staring to come off..and I see my freckles..and the face 15 year old me was sick of seeing..

I have more time to get used to it..

- weezer anon

- weezer anon