#venus.d.journal

my dear journal , my day was very productive. i got high, i fought satan, askgman helped me get my soul back. i'm so irritated that gideon 7 almost had my soul over a fucking GAY GREG VINYL!!!

if it was david bowie, oingo boingo, or even MSI i would've been "oh shit, yeah" but nooooo. i'll be problematic to society tomorrow. society as in the poor gideon blogs that stumble among me .

xoxo - dilemma, venus .

I became one with myself before I broke out. I have all of my rage built inside of me. Pure unadulterated rage..

He's dead?! Are you serious?! I didn't even get a chance to tell him how sorry I was!! And they killed him?!

Nobody. And I mean NOBODY has witnessed as much internal rage as I have. They're gonna witness it now

5/20/10

I haven't spoke to anyone since I got here. Just like nonverbal. But I think it makes it easier for me to reflect on myself. I don't always need to speak..it's not a "seen not heard" mentality. But I find peace within myself when I'm quiet now.

I used to find fear within silence when I played Venus, because I knew I had to be stuck with my mind alone, which is terrible. For me at the time.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but when you have a disturbed mentality it becomes hard to evaluate your thoughts. Or even stomach them.

The more I stop pretending, my mind becomes clearer. The less of an act I play , the more I can stomach my mind.

Because it's my mind, and not Venus' anymore.

5/20/10

My persona slowly fades. The problems, the lust, infidelity, hyper confidence, the everything. It takes so much to realize the role my character plays in life. Where she will play the problem, the villain sometimes, the joke.

But it takes a lot of guts to realize the persona slowly becomes a problem. To the point you admit yourself to a mental hospital. Away from the people who love your character.

I think that's why I did it..I got attention from my disruptions , energy, and all of the things that make Venus. I had to fight for my soul back, I had someone lobotomized, I cheated, even when I never thought I was. I thought it was a part of the character I was meant to play in this cruel world.

But ..I'm not meant to be lustful, problematic, pink, loud, ditzy, and obsessed. I meant to be romantic, I should be making my lover breakfast, I should be reading poems by Edgar Allen Poe, being a romantic goth..draped in red and black..my hair in it's natural color, I wait calmly..

I went to law school...I have so many talents I wasted just to ignore my terrible self hatred for the shell of the woman I used to be. I realize..every hour I stay in this facility, the more I stay in this room the more I come to realize myself.

I'm not performing in this room, I'm not acting for anyone in this room, I'll sing and I'll draw, but I'm not acting..

There's no room to act in here. I'm forced to sit in my own skin. Where my pinkish dark red and light reddish pink hair dye is starting to fade from my hair..I'm stuck having to see my dark red hair, my foundation's staring to come off..and I see my freckles..and the face 15 year old me was sick of seeing..

I have more time to get used to it..

5/20/10 This isn't my first time here..but it's the first time I stayed..... I've been here before. They were kind of..surprised to see me, but not really. This is a different facility, the one for the grown ups. I felt like they knew it would come around. But I feel..9 turning 10 again. Sitting on the doctor bed, in that same hospital gown I couldn't really tie correctly. Faking my answers so I could get out...

my mother regulated my therapy but slowly made it less frequent as I got older and was in a more positive space for school.. My father didn't trust my therapist. He didn't like I was on medications to help regulate myself when I was younger. He wanted all of my mental issues to be out and work naturally...I feel like there might be more..

That was scary. I experienced breakdowns, rage fits, obsessive behavior. Sometimes I wouldn't really talk to anyone besides friends..not like I had that many to begin with. ..

I love my father but I feel like his effect on raising high school me wasn't the best. From religious trauma , to trust issues, it got very very scary..so I slowly abandoned myself, created personas...so I wouldn't have to deal with my trauma the hard way...and let my father see the consequences of his parenthood.

I never wanted my parents to feel bad, feel bad that they raised a young lady who was so full of life to someone so dull...and lifeless. I was never meant to be a cheater or a stoner...

okay,I was meant to be a stoner.. but not a cheater. It was all in the false mentality to make myself feel desirable. To make others want me..even though I don't want myself.

But this problem went beyond therapy. Nobody's gonna take me back, even when my whole "sexy goth girl straight out of a nerd's fantasy" persona has shattered. I know what I did to deserve this, but I don't want to admit it. It's hard to accept you're a bad person.

But I have to accept it, and mature..and move on. I forced myself to look hotter and grown , instead of letting myself slowly walk out of my childhood..I did that..but too soon.

The consequences of being pushed to age so fast. All I just know is, none of you guys love Violet.

You loved Venus.

Unfortunately my therapy did not work, it was all just a waste. All my teenhood and early adulthood trauma finally caught on me. And those..awful..awful attempts of..stuff. Kinda shows I'm messed up.

I'll be in the mental hospital for further reasons. I'm not fit for taking care of a child, or being married. Or being my own person. I just have to stay by myself until I could be a better person.

5/18/10

dear journal, you know those happy tears you get when your child's leaving you? for school because they're growing up? for college because they've got so far..?

i have very. very sad tears. my child's not leaving me for school..or for college. she's leaving me from this life..I wish I could've done something sooner, I don't have to strength to go on...I just want one happy thing without any disruptions. I wanted to see my dad without scarring my teenhood,

I wanted to graduate high school without my dignity and joy stripped..I wanted to go to college without meeting some crappy person who made me feel incapable of love..

I wanted a marriage that wasn't out of pity cause I couldn't stop pining, oh my god.. I wanted a daughter that I could spend my life with ..without her leaving this earth..before I could celebrate her birthday..I can't do it..I can't take this anymore.

05/17/10

I don't really remember the last time I actually felt this way before I got married. I haven't made a journal entry after I got married,either. I came to realize I should probably stop trying to manipulate myself into being a manipulative person. Whatever crap my dad pulled on me that absolutely made my brain malfunctioned, I should probably get it fixed.