#extreme lows

i’m trying to acknowledge my emotions more, so i am writing this.

i have never once been neutral, emotion wise. i experience extreme highs and extreme lows, nothing in between. i spend most of my life in an extreme state of sadness with only short commercial breaks of happiness (i stole the idea of “commercial breaks” from somewhere, but i’m not sure where. it is not mine.) when i am happy though, like i am tonight, i am unhealthily happy.

right now, i feel invincible. i feel as though i can get shot through the heart and still survive, continuing my day without a scratch. my mind and i are moving at a mile a minute. rushes of inspiration are crashing over me, similar to an avalanche or tsunami. i am moving like an insane person, going from cleaning my room to reorganizing my bookshelves to jotting down paragraphs that make sense to me now but i know that, when i wake up tomorrow morning, they will be illegible. it feels like a sugar high, but i know this better than a sugar high, it’s an emotional high.

i will crash soon, i don't know when. it could be minutes or hours, but soon enough i will fall back into the pit of darkness that i spend most of my time in. i’m relatively used to the pit, i like it there. it’s a type of horrible normalcy, but i know that since i’ve been in this state of extreme happiness for an hour at least, the dark will not feel like a home to me, as i have gotten used to the light. so i will fall and fall and fall and land, only this time the pit will seem deeper, darker, and it will be hard to adjust to. at least i know it will happen this time, i’ve experienced these waves of emotion enough so that i know what to expect, but i know that preparing for this pitfall will not at all help my recovery.