#exmeanswithout

On Monday I went a-walking down a winding, windy trail

To meet a man that claimed t'have been turned into a snail

Walking idly, wondered I “who went and changed that man?”

And shocked was I to find this snail was actually a fan

He'd bought my book, he'd bought some prints, he even had a painting

And when we got to shaking hands he quickly took to fainting

So starstruck was the man-turned-snail that upon my arrival

He requested that I sign his book and begged for a recital

I felt quite bland at reading to him in my standard cadence

And whilst deciding what to read he showed excellent patience

I decided on a couple that had often done quite well

And as I read it became clear he was under my spell

My plot it seems Is evident though perchance I'll spell it out

Though please disregard the deviance with which I set about

You see the man-turned-snail is one that I had planned to scout

Some folks like chicken

Some folks like trout

Some folks like salmon roe

But my guilty pleasure is and always will be escargot 

(pause)

I set upon the sleeping snail with much enthusiasm

I went to work upon his figure wreaking quite the clasm

I tore and mangled with delight while readying my feast

When I heard stomping footfalls approaching from the east

(pause)

I peeked behind the curtains and saw to my surprise

A wizard stepping nimbly from the brambles ‘fore my eyes

It seemed as though that fiend had set out after my prize

I thought it pertinent of me this threat I should apprize 

(pause)

He brushed off the sticks and leaves and bugs which clung to his blue robes

As I sought to lock the doors lest the old wizard come and probe

Before I could secure the house a knock loudly sounded twice

I opened the door and the wizard caught me in his vice

(pause)

“What have you done with the snail?” his booming voice demanded.

I let the door fall open ‘cause I knew I's caught red handed

(pause)

He took in the carnage of the scene that lay before him

And looked for a moment at the one who'd did these acts so grim

“I'd surely like to take this demon on as my apprentice-

But I fear that her brutality may very well be endless-

Better still I'll kill her and take this feast as my own-

Perhaps I'll even take the snails house as my brand new home”

Whilst the wizard oh so wisely considered all his options

I sneaked behind him 

Grabbed an axe

And then I swiftly offed him

No one interrupts my dinner- this you too should learn

unless the wizards prize is one you too would like to earn

I set about my feasting, chewing, slowly savoring

And realized with a start that the snail was lacking flavouring

Disgruntled, disappointed, and well and truly vexed

It seemed in his last moment the wizard cast a hex

One more bite of escargot, I wash it down with sweet red wine

Dashing my hopes that the problem with the snail had been the brine

It started sinking in the wizard had taken my taste

I set about searching him with urgency and haste

No antidote was in his robes no spellbook on his person

With this discovery my anxiety began to worsen

There must be a solution to a taken sense of taste

perhaps a potion, an elixir, or perhaps a paste

I set back down that winding road, sense of purpose born anew

And realized with a start the thing it is that I must do

Simply find another wizard wandering ‘mongst the people

One whose power of spellcasting would prove to be more feeble

This wizard(should I find him) I'll ensnare him in my verse

And compel him at once to dispel me of this curse

If wizards are in short supply and in searching I'm unlucky

I'll be forced to spend my days finding gourmet yucky

Metrical form: heptameter with irregular feet

traditional forms of seduction

typically fail to function

when a crane fly you wish to make yours

for a crane fly you see

has no mouth so to eat

so to smile so to kiss so to flirt

but if a crane fly you love

as they alight from above

and bedazzle with dazzling wings

because a crane fly you see

is an elegant thing

with a way of her own to intrigue

so your crane fly young love

must fly like a dove

in her dancing and swirling ways

this big crane fly to-do

is what you must go through

to make that crane fly your mate

so what must you do?

why you just dance too

and the crane fly will give you her heart

for a crane fly you see

is a romantic thing

and she finds her love through her art

scansion:

◡ – ◡ ◡ – ◡ ◡ – ◡ traditional forms of seduction – ◡ ◡ – ◡ – ◡ typically fail to function ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – when a crane fly you wish to make yours ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – for a crane fly you see ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – has no mouth so to eat ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – so to smile so to kiss so to flirt ◡ ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – but if a crane fly you love ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – as they alight from above ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – and bedazzle with dazzling wings ◡ ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – because a crane fly you see ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – is an elegant thing ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – with a way of her own to intrigue ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – so your crane fly young love ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – must fly like a dove ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ – in her dancing and swirling ways ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – this big crane fly to-do ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – is what you must go through ◡ – / ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – to make that crane fly your mate ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – so what must you do? ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – why you just dance too ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – and the crane fly will give you her heart ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – for a crane fly you see ◡ ◡ ◡ / – ◡ – is a romantic thing ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – and she finds her love through her art

metrical form: ◡ ◡ – ◡ ◡ – (1st line is normally anapestic dimeter) ◡ ◡ – ◡ ◡ – (2nd line is normally anapestic dimeter) ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – / ◡ ◡ – (3rd line is anapestic trimeter)

The anapests may be replaced with iambs. A few lines have other types of variations (e.g. the first 2 lines have a somewhat different meter). The trimeter lines are the most regular part of the stanzas.