Identity
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I spent years becoming whatever kept the room comfortable.
Too Loud?
Shrink yourself.
Too Soft?
Harden up
Too different??
Edit it.
Hide it.
Put a mask on it.
Bury it-
beneath Sarcasm, Sex, Humor, Rage, Substance and yes, Even Charm.
Whatever onset was quickest!
People talk about finding their identity, like itโs some clean, soft sunrise you wake up too with Peace and Hope in your Chest and Soul.
But No, for very few that is ever the case. Identity is Violent, a wild animal, or a Roller coaster.
It's Ripping labels off of your skin that were forced on by family, friends, strangers, lovers, and Fear.
It's realizing half of your personality was built as โcrowd control.โ
I became who everyone tolerated best -
โขa performance.
โขa shifting version of myself.
โขa survival response wearing expensive words.
I did however learn how to read rooms instantly -
โขwho would be judging.
โขwhod be desiring me.
โขwho would weaponize my vulnerability the moment I let it breathe, then take it, Use it, Abuse it and take advantage of it!
SO. I adapted. EVERY TIME!
Until, one day I looked at myself and realized I had become fluent to every-one and completely foreign to myself!
That's the Horror no-one talks about. Not Heartbreak, Not Rejection. It's Dis-Connection from your Own Soul!
โขThe Softness.
โขThe need for love without conditions.
โขthe frightened kid hiding behind the fake confidence.
So you sharpen yourself- make yourself untouchable before any one gets the chance to make a wound first-
You become Irony!!
โขDistance
โขSex appeal
โขMystery
โขDishonest
ANYTHING except honest, bc honest = dangerous, And underneath all of it was a real human exhausted from all the performance.
A desperation of a man hiding, in plain sight trying to figure out which part of him is the real deal, if any at all!
So now I'm I'm unlearning survival and learning identity, every moment of every day.
โขslowly
โขpainfully
โขdefinitely with hiccups along the way.
Maybe that's what identity really is. Is the person left standing or down on his knees, still trying or asking, Begging just how to figure it out, after every mask becomes too heavy, to bare any longer.
And- That man learning his Identity, and unlearning survival on the daily, is me and 92% of those around me. .
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