Dec 16, 2024
My Jayvik brainrot is so big im thinking about gettin a tattoo of the words "In all timelines, in all possibilities" on my collarbones
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My Jayvik brainrot is so big im thinking about gettin a tattoo of the words "In all timelines, in all possibilities" on my collarbones
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i havent thought about stranger things for a while, waiting for new season in the dark ... but today i had a dream, that they were all in the upside down ,, and looking for Billy. what i remember the clearest, was that when they found him, Billy grabbed Steve behind his neck and touched his forehead with his forehead lightly and smiled with relief on his face.
i wish i knew why ons has me in such a chokehold for years now... i ll take them babies with me in my heart til i die thats for sure.
tryna watch ONS after years, and make my bf watch it me.. telling him how i cant wait to see ep 5... the ep ends and im like,, wait a damn minute sth doesnt add up..bihhhh that was ep 6 .. like damn this is what i get for not wearing my glasses. so we backtracked and watched ep 5,, Shinya was in it for like 5 seconds, but the serotonin rush i got from it, will last me a lifetime.
BIG TW. ABUSE AND STUFF IDK ITS ALOT
i dont know if other people go through this but if they do, we dont talk about how much it STINGS to have ‘changed’ parents. like yeah my dad told me to kms and handed me a knife when i was thirteen but he hasnt even tried to talk to me when i asked to be left alone. like yeah my mum threw my phone so hard at me it bruised but she clearly felt guilty and now shes so nice, and talking to her is fine. and its even more conflicting when one parent is relatively good but still sticks by the side of the relatively worse one and tries to mediate. and we dont talk about how terrible it feels to have changed parents like that.
i still hate him for the ways he hurt me and i still hate her for the ways she failed to protect me but i feel so bad for hating them because they changed and they feel guilty. it feels like i owe them a good relationship. i know i dont but it feels like i do. i know im going to feel like the worst person on earth when i inevitably cut them off because i know that deep down they never thought they were wrong. they only cared because they got caught, and they only think what they did was wrong because i got a fucking diagnosis. i still see them act the same fucking way to my brother. its better for him though because hes in uni. and he was never the mentally ill kid. he was never the glass child. he was the eldest sibling, yes. i respect his struggles. but gosh i cant help but resent him and feel like its so much worse for me because dad always says ‘i love you more than your brother’ and that ‘love’ hurts. i know that it hurts him too but im here all alone with all this conflict in my head and hurt and nobody is here to give me clarity, while hes away at uni and following his dreams.
anyway. thats off topic. im hoping some people see what im saying here. having abusive parents was bad but when they change its worse because now you dont know how to feel. when they hurt you, at least you knew you can hate them. but when they stop, its so hard to do that. im getting lightheaded because of the lack of food in my body today so thats all for now i hope someone relates to everything ive said
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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you know when youre just having a perfectly normal day and life and then you just force yourself to be sad and depressed again because being okay feels wrong
like in my head
its just like ‘you dont deserve to feel okay in life or be happy if youre not the most perfect wonderful person you can be’
or ‘you messed up this one thing. you have ruined all your nice progress because you got told by a teacher that you need to pay attention in class more
i think thats also like a separate issue
feeling absolutely horrible at any reprimand
its like im a little kid crying ‘please dont think im a bad kid im a good kid i swear im trying im really trying im a good kid i swear’
just deathly afraid of being seen negatively
especially by teachers because thats where i get validation from most often and i dont want them to see anything imperfect or bad in me
i dont want them to see the parts of me i deem too ‘bad’ to be allowed to exist
even if its something as small as attention span
i dont know im just sad
really fucking sad
anyone relate
UGHHH music is sooooo good like wdym i can just listen to humans making random sounds with their mouth that make little sense in a literal context over banging and strumming and plucking of several different things while doing work and instantly happy dancey giggly mode unlocked cuz i be singing and dancing around my room to queen with small bursts of work between verses and its so fun
do you ever just paint and sob