Someone on a small polyamory fb group: polyamory ethics are subjective! So my unicorn hunting is a okay!
there’s several schools of thought on that but the prevalent theory is consensus of the affected group, a group not effected by the action but affecting the action cannot be part of consensus.
Let’s tackle one problem. Here, it’s hard to see general consensus on this Facebook group or in general because it’s a micro section of the polyamory community and unless you are in a lot of groups, study current experts and writings pertaining to polyamory and the ethical behavior within, and are part of your local community it’s hard to say that you are participating in the community as a whole. Think of it as the Better Business Bureau or the medical standards of treatment that are released every couple of months.
So the last part is the effected group. Ethics are determined by the general consensus of the effected group and the general consensus of bi folks (women, afab nonbinary folks, etc) is that we don’t want to be hunted or pursued for a dynamic. This is a consensus so it’s like a “4 out of 5 dentists recommend crest” sort of thing.
I’m in far more bi groups than polyamory groups and there are no memes being shared that paint unicorning in a great light. It’s all predatory and cringing memes.We’ve all been hunted in queer spaces on a weekly basis so often, it’s a joke we tell about tinder - swiping on women and it’s 8 unicorn hunters before you get to a separate person. Even monogamous people joke about it.
I understand there are outliers that love couples (like my comet triad partner) but she always approaches the couples.
I guess I’m going to close with - normally you get into a relationship and you think you get to make it yours. Set boundaries etc. When you walk into a relationship with unicorn hunters, 99/100 it comes with rules about group sex, where you sleep, what you can do, no legal protections, no contract, which doesn’t apply to the original dyad. It’s like buying a house that you find out has weird HOA rules. You can’t flush the toilet or run water after 10 pm. You have a curfew. You must paint the walls a vivid neon color. You’ve moved in and invested in a house that you should be allowed to do what you chose to do inside, but you can’t. I’ve met thousands of people that get into UH relationships as the new partner that feel like they don’t have agency or equality. A lot of them have also been a part of healthy triads. A triad isn’t a bad thing to want. Fetishizing it or trying to “cast” someone to fit the role is where a lot of people go wrong. Rolecasting is where instead of saying “Ash, I have a crush on you. I’d like to explore together our feelings and see what we could be” you say “I’m looking for this gender person for this type of relationship.” The problem is, what people want or need over time can change. If we build relationships instead of roles or dynamics, our relationships can grow and redefine.
