#esting disorder

ive been in genuine hell for the past 2 days that I genuinely considered purging (I HAVE FUCKING EMETOPHOBIA WHAT IS MY PROBLEM)

Worked yesterday and this woman guessed my weight as my LW, I’m honored and triggered 🤪

I was doing soooo well staying safe over the weekend but let’s just say the past two days have been a shitshow again because I got feedback that the way I express my anger (in situations like the inconsistent protein portioning or the required extra carb) by raising my voice and cursing (which I also do literally nonstop regardless of whether I’m upset) was described as “verbal abuse” and makes peers and staff feel unsafe 🙃 I Do Not accept feedback well and this kind of feedback makes me a) feel that I shouldn’t be here/exist at all and b) feel unsafe to talk to peers or staff so I haven’t been using much support to deal with urges and it’s been behavior central. The situation was brought up at community and I was essentially accused of blaming my self-harm on others and being manipulative for saying that I don’t know how to deal with anger and that if it doesn’t go out it turns inward. And my psych again questioned whether I’m really motivated for recovery because I’ve expressed frustrations at the expectations (particularly that I’m expected to make up a shitload of exchanges orally while other patients get the easy way out of a tube, and that on top of that I’m required to accept exchanges over my meal plan on a regular basis while other patients with different meal plan structures don’t have to). And right now? Most of me doesn’t see a way out and is not motivated for much of anything besides death but I don’t want to go to inpatient psych involuntarily so I’m in a holding pattern. I can’t see myself living with this long term but I can’t see myself recovering so that leaves me with only one other option.