#esbeethoughts

She said, “you look like you lost your best friend” as I sat on the bench. Little did I know her words would come so soon for us. The first day I saw you, I’d bottle in my memory bank forever. You wore a green jacket and had a smile that would warm an Arctic heart. Even with my Great Wall up, you had the blueprint on how to knock it down. My greatest fear was letting people in and getting close to anyone who could hurt me or leave. I felt safe with you and you liberated me. You inspired me to be the best version of myself. Your playful, thoughtful, and innocence at heart persona was like a breath of fresh air. Light, windy and going with the flow. It brought me back to a place of happiness, ease and hope. Although, I was the grounded earthy one, it was you who got me to take flight into the unknown. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. I never thought it was possible to see a reflection and you defined a new meaning to what a best friend can be. Your past meant nothing to me because all I knew is that you were the most beautiful star I have ever seen. I told you I missed you and you replied, “I’m still here.” I saw it happening before you did and that’s why I always said things like, “it’s ok”, “even if you don’t travel with me please use it” and “I want you to be happy”. I was afraid things would change once you changed programs but, you said you’re still going to be you and nothing will ever change. I wanted to believe you, but a month later you went away. It was one of the hardest times in my life because I had no one to turn off the noise and I began to feel numb again to the world. Grieving is funny when it comes to the end. You go through so many emotions and have to continue on with life, pretending it’s ok. It’s the birth of something beautiful and the end of nothing new because it had to happen eventually. We both were butterflies. You would fly away when in times or signs of trouble you didn’t want to face. I refused to let anyone catch, get close or even try to touch me. We both just happen to come from the same branch when we were in cocoons. Two friends floating now in the wind and hoping for beautiful warm days forever. I’ll miss you. When I see the moon, I think of you. When I have good news, I’ll think of you. I wish I could bottle your laugh and snapshot the smile you always gave me. But most importantly while my warm tears roll down my face as I write this... I wish I could hug you once more and tell you that I love you. Tell you that you’re important and I’m sorry. I hope you spend time with people who bring joy in your life and skip to every good part of a song. Peace is there and you deserve that. Best friend in my heart forever and favorite person I’ve ever met.

I remember it like it was my last breath.

The moment I saw a smile from you that I would kill and fight a hundred thousand leagues for.

For the first time in a long time, I experienced a light that was once hidden brighter than the Sirius star. 

The evening was like an electric sensation and time didn’t exist.

The key of the evening and most important was to create an everlasting memory. 

No matter the cost, no answering phones and learning one another. 

For the first time spent I felt so peaceful and knew this was not ordinary.

I found my mirror, my reflection, my twin flame.

I could gaze through your eyes and see all the galaxies that could exist and my heart skipped.

A night ending in a passionate kiss that was balanced filled with liberation. 

The seesaw and partner I thanked the universe for.  

‪Love came and it finished quickly. Naked I trusted you with my soul and you abandoned me. ‬You were supposed to be my first and my last. When I close my eyes, all I see is you. How will my days go on without you.