#erurants

Lately I've been pretty...I don't know how to describe it. Bummed? Bored? Stagnant? On the slightly more negative side of not exactly content? Just existing.

And I think a big chunk of the problem is that for a long while, I've wanted to "be," not "do." I want to be smart. I want to be accomplished. I want to be strong. I want to be good at other languages. So on and so forth. But to get there I have to pass through stages of discomfort in which I am forced to acknowledge that I am not any of those things right now—at least, not to the degree that I want to be—and that kills my motivation. I want to be smart, but I don't feel the desire/urge to do the things that get me there. Everything is about the destination. The journey is unpleasant and thus the "do"ing is hard.

And the thing is—it shouldn't be unpleasant!!! So many of these things I like doing in theory, or in isolation! I like working out. I like reading. I like studying. So on and so forth. But when I'm reading with the knowledge that I feel dumb and I'm trying to fix that, I can't help but fixate on that negative feeling and it sucks the enjoyment out of it. What I once liked because itself upsetting because I'm not where I want to be.

Going back to an earlier point: I suppose it isn't exactly right to say I don't feel a desire to do the things that get me there. I do want to do those things that get me there. But I'm so crippled by the pain of acknowledging I'm so far behind where I want to be that for all thar desire, there is an equal if not greater sense of shame that fights against it. And so I'm left paralyzed because acknowledging it hurts so to keep from hurting, I just. Don't act.

Not that it stops me from feeling dumb or weak or any of those things. But it feels better when I'm just lying here because when I do something I want to do and feel that way, it taints it, and I don't want to taint it.

I would just...like to feel confident in myself again. I'd like to have something I'm looking forward to *doing* in my life. Not just an end state, but a process I enjoy. Because right now, I'm not enjoying the process. I survive the day to day. If I died in some freak accident tomorrow, I wouldn't reallt be able to say I had a worthwhile life. Not in the past several years. And I think that's horrible.