#erasmuslove

I worship, high praises My longing drives me crazy for you My kingdom for your graces I'm not gonna tell nobody I'm not gonna tell nobody bout you

On my last meaningful relationship, he broke up with me. It was a complicated situation, we had been together for a couple of years then apart for a couple of years and then we got back together. I will explain it in a nutshell: he asked me to move in with him and broke up with me on the same month. It was obviously painful and extremely heartbreaking – that’s how my romantic experience back then would classify the situation.

What happens when this guy acts like a jerk while breaking up with you is that you get hurt but you also get fucking angry. I was furious. I remember looking at him and asking several times: “Who do you think you are?” Moments after the words came out of his mouth I was shocked by the situation, I just couldn’t imagine how he could think that he would get somebody better than me in this life. He wouldn’t. He won’t. Don’t take me the wrong way, I am not angry anymore. He is a good person, almost a good guy, but I gave him balance, I put him on the ground and supported him when he needed. Without me he would be just this mediocre version of the man he was when he was with me. I could do better, I always knew that. But I loved him, so at the time it was enough for me to feel that he could be better with me by his side.

Well, he broke my heart and I used all my anger to forget him. At first I was sad and mad, then I was just mad and hurt, then not even mad anymore. Today I don’t even see the scars. But I lived this process of letting go. Because when a guy is a jerk to you he gives you this fuel to go further: anger.

Now – well, it hurts even to start thinking about what I feel now – my situation is very different. I fell in love with this guy, he liked me too, we were in this relationship for a semester or so and then I came back to my country. He even came to visit me for a month, what made me more in love with him than before. I am not so sure about his feelings because he’s a german and he can’t really talk about his emotions. I just try to believe that he likes me because he has shown his love in his actions many times in the pass.

 Let’s go back to “now”. Now this is the situation: he lives an ocean away, we have almost no plan to see each other on the next three months (mostly because we can’t afford flying so often) and we only see each other on skype. There’s not really a label for our relationship anymore, we avoid talking about it because it’s too painful, and let’s say I have a whole new concept for the word heartbroken.

Among with my many problems - as the man I love living in a different continent - I have these other ones: there is no anger to help me forget him, my heart and mind are not willing to forget him, most of my memories remind me of how kind, gentle, handsome, smart and loving he is and now I see how the table has changed. This time I look at myself and I think: I am never going to find someone that is going to be as good to me as he was. Not in a million years. And how the fuck am I going to forget this man that did nothing but care about me and made me feel so loved and appreciated?

To be honest, I feel like I know what is going to happen in the next weeks/months. He is a bright guy, very rational and committed to his studies. To be attached to a girl that lives far away is not going to make him happy and it doesn’t really fit his plans. He is so objective, he can make decisions without being affected by his emotions, and I admire that in a way I can’t describe. I really wish I were like that, but I am very much the opposite. So my projection is: he will let me go slowly and focus on his life. The obvious smart plan. What am I going to do? What is my plan? I don’t know yet. Right now I am just very worried that I think that this guy is better than me somehow and I got to do something about that. What happen between being loved and separated by distance that made me feel that I can’t find somebody to be that good to me again? I know I should feel good about myself because that amazing guy likes me, he was happy by my side and he wanted to make me happy. This is suppose to say a lot about me, right? So why do I somehow feel it was a chance in a million?

I don’t know, I think I am great, I am a great girl, I am not the prettiest but I am attractive and I have a simple yet sophisticated style that really fits my personality. I am not enchanting or special, I am not that girl in school that all guys would have a crush on, but I am smart, I have my own sense of humor, and what I would say is my best feature: I love intensely. I show that I care, I support, I am generous and kind to others, not just to my partners. But mostly to my partners, I really feel joy when I notice that I could help my admirable boyfriend in something, that I made his day better or added something to his life, even in a micro scale.

So yes, I am the girl that puts her heart and soul in a relationship. It’s what makes me happy when I love a guy, to be the best I can. And the part where I share my feelings is really something I can’t control. If I love you, you will know, I can’t keep it in my mouth. It usually scares guys away.

Anyway, I just listed all these reasons why I am a special girl in my own way and I do deserve a guy as great as me. Going back to the scary question: why do I think he was a chance in a million and I will hardly meet another guy that will love me as he did? I feel like I live in the deep web in life, I am just not out there. I walk the streets, I go to the movies, I photograph the city in the middle of the day but no one sees me. I don’t meet people, if I am in a party or a bar I attract nobody. Is not that I am not attractive, maybe I look too independent. I am also pretty sure I send this weird vibe to strangers, I I don’t know, something like “damaged girl”, “too complicated” or “problematic”. The true is those labels would fit perfectly in me, but I am still a great girl even with all my issues, a problematic, damaged and complicated great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me.