#entry 03

Today, I found a small village nestled in the embrace of the valley. A river passed by my side as I rode through. The village was rather beautiful; every street was paved perfectly, every branch obsessively trimmed, every home immaculate. I met a man, just a few years past his prime, who had fallen and required help. Though he was well-groomed and opulently dressed and with a proper posture, he was weak and could only stand for a few minutes before needing to sit, and his cheeks were gaunt and pale. I inquired why he was in such a state; and he informed me that he lived in the most luxurious village in all the world, and for it he was one of the richest men to ever live; certainly more than his father, or his father's father, or his father's father's father, who lived in a small cabin with ratty clothes and a mere dirt road. For tonight, I took my leave, though he offered to show me around the village tomorrow.

I wonder why he was so anemic.

The Feeling Self

Fair warning: Word Vomit (>_<)

So sleeping has been a major issue for me these past few days. I’ve seen five, six, sometimes even six-thirty in the morning. It’s not like I’m not tired, because I am. I’m exhausted in fact, but I continually choose to ignore my body’s signals and force myself to stay awake and conjure up all of these thoughts and situations I could potentially find myself in. It’s ridiculous and I’m worried about the harm i’m doing to myself and my health.

I know that sleep is important - I’m not an idiot. I also know that not getting enough sleep/not sleeping at the right time is really starting to affect my mental health. Every night, right around the same time, I slip into a depressed state and I can’t stop myself from crying. It’s happened every night for the last three nights and it’s embarrassing because I don’t have an exact thing to blame for what’s making me upset. It’s just all my thoughts and worries bunched into one big ball of anxiety in my brain that’s been keeping me up all hours of the night.

Tonight my boyfriend came over and we had a nice night. We went for a walk at a nature centre and trail nearby, went for a nice drive, got some dinner, and then watched movies in my room. Later on, he got a text from one of our friends from a work, a female co-worker, and I let my mind get the best of me. I think it had something to do with the fact that he seemed much more intrigued by that conversation than by my presence next to him and I started worrying about how boring I was and why he was even with me in the first place. He could tell I was starting to get upset about something, but I told him nothing was wrong (even though there always seems to be something wrong) 

I ended up crying again and he kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t really give him a straight answer. I just felt like crying and not talking about it. I just wanted to wallow in my own self-pity for awhile. I’m so frustrated with myself and my inability to keep my emotions under control. Why do i let everything get the best of me? Why do my emotions seem to be just all over the place? I feel so numb but at the same time, I’m so overcome by emotions that I have no idea what to do with myself IT’S SO FRUSTRATING