📓 entry 003 — friday and i am already tired
you'd think that would mean something. and it does. just not yet. first i have to survive the day and survival today is a whole entire schedule.
biosphere. population. ecosystems.
the irony of me sitting in a classroom being tested on population is not lost on me. i know more about population than this curriculum ever will and i cannot say that out loud so i just sharpened my pencil and sat down and answered every question and tried not to look too unbothered about it.
i was very unbothered about it.
the biosphere questions were fine. ecosystems i could write a thesis on at this point — balance, consequence, what happens when something disrupts the natural order. i understand that chapter on a personal level.
let's just say i have opinions that won't fit in the answer box and move on. 🖤
math LIFT then math second period
whoever designed this schedule has made a personal enemy today and i am writing absolutely nothing down about that.
i sat in the back. did the work. got the answers right. said nothing unnecessary. ryuk found this deeply boring and kept trying to distract me by hovering over other students' papers and i had to give him a look.
two math classes back to back is genuinely cruel and i say this as someone who has a very high tolerance for things that are cruel. 📓
okay so technically ryuk doesn't eat lunch. he eats apples and chaos and occasionally the concept of my patience. but we found a little café near school and i get something warm and he gets a window seat and we just exist for forty minutes and honestly it's the most peaceful part of my week.
nobody else can see him so it just looks like a girl sitting alone at a café window with a pink bag and a notebook and an expression that says do not sit here.
i got something with too much caramel in it and ryuk said it looked disgusting and i told him to mind his business and eat his apple and he laughed that horrible laugh and i almost smiled.
not because i can't do it. i can do it. i just find it deeply undignified — running back and forth while a sound tells you what to do like you're being tested for something. the irony of me being beeped at and graded on obedience is genuinely funny if you think about it.
i ran. i kept up. i did not quit before i was ready to.
kira doesn't quit. even in gym. even in a school uniform. even when ryuk is sitting in the bleachers watching like this is the most entertainment he's had all week.
last period: monologue. one sided love.
of all the topics. of all the presentations. one sided love on a friday afternoon in fourth period.
i stood up there and i delivered every single word and i meant more of it than anyone in that room will ever know. one sided love is, it's a specific kind of ache isn't it. when you feel everything so completely and the other person just. doesn't. or can't. or won't.
you give and give and rearrange yourself around someone who doesn't even notice the space you're taking up in their life.
i didn't choose it for the monologue. it chose me.
the class was quiet when i finished. my teacher paused before she wrote anything down.
i sat back down and looked out the window and ryuk, for once, didn't say anything.
sometimes silence is the loudest kind of understanding. 🌸
and now it's friday afternoon and i'm going home.
test survived. math endured. café cherished. beep test completed with dignity. monologue delivered with perhaps too much honesty.
i have apples in my bag, lo-fi already queued, and a pink room waiting for me at the end of this commute.
it was a day. it was a whole entire day.
