Stuck In Transition
College is not what I thought it would be like.
No, its not scary.
Finances: I'm not worried about that. Even though I'm not sure how I got Fafsa because I can't do it again because neither of my parents have a social security number, and its required for fafsa, but because they are illegal Mexican immigrants, I canāt just jot down a social security number that doesn't exist for federal aid, and i'm stuck because something in me is concerned for their safety. Always thinking that any one little step can expose them to deportation. But that's not what i'm worried about.
My housing is off campus with two other roommates; Roxanna and Alfred. Alfred was supposed to start college next semester and Roxanna attended NAU with me, and we were supposed to renew our lease for the next four years. Supposed to; past tense. Because Roxanna dropped out and cried for half an hour because she missed her family then realized that āthere is nothing for her hereā because all she did was work and go home, so now after the lease is over she's going to move back to phoenix and go to community college there, and Alfred is following her because theyāre dating and he's āchillingā, which means that I need to find a new place to live because i canāt afford a 2bed 2bath on my own and the only other couple i know that wouldāve been down said no. Every studio and 1 bedroom apartment is so expensive and i'm uncomfortable with sharing a room with someone because i've never done that before and my personal space is vital to my survival. But that's not what i'm worried about.
My classes? It's all on the syllabus, unless the professor adds something new last minute, and I forgot to write it down in my planner so now i'm behind in a class and have 4 zeros for 4 different assignments because I forgot. Or because I didn't check the syllabus. It's not like high school where they remind you when due dates are approaching, where they introduce your projects and make sure you understand completely, where they all know your name, and where you know that they'll tell you something when you're missing something. So i'm falling behind on some of my classes because I cant keep track, and when I do, I don't finish on time because I lack motivation to do it or because I can't keep my mind together long enough. But that's not what i'm worried about.
Friends. I know some peoplesā names. I'll say hi when I see you on the bus, or run into you at the restroom, i'll ask you about the class, weāll have some conversation, but I won't call you when Iām stressed. I won't vent because you're not that kind of friend, you know? Thatās on me and my trust issues, but point is, I need that here, because even back home I only had 3 people like that, and two are cousins. But they're all at home. Making friends is hard. Inserting yourself into a group is hard. Don't feel pity, because that not what I want, actually itās the last thing I want. I just don't really have a social life. But that's not what i'm worried about.
Do you see my problem? My problem is that i'm not worrying. Im worried about it. Im overwhelmed by everything attacking my peace of mind, it's kind of like a war in my head, except I donāt know what its over, I have no control over it, not even my reaction. or lack thereof. As a First Gen student, I don't have anybody to ask for comforting advice. Yes, I know, school resources. I've tried, but its not comforting because they just send me somewhere else, and i'm tired of chasing down a piece of advice, so i took a break, sat down, and wrote this.
I donāt know what I need, or what Iām doing, or how to fix things that I broke, but Iāll be alright.
No, i'm not scared.
College just isn't what I thought it was.












