#enemy matchups

aka, @bastardblvd 's first ever enemy match-ups! another wonderful suggestion by @transchainsawman , everyone thank your local grimetown resident rn.

have you ever wondered what slimeball you'd get off on the wrong foot with? what slimeball you end up in a physical altercation with when you cross paths on the streets of grimetown? look no further!

so what's the deal? send an ask and tell me a little about yourself! what does the average day in grimetown look like for you? where do you work? did you already end up in a slimy relationship with one of the residents? the more details the better! if you need a new slimeball identity, feel free to use the wheel.

make sure you read the rules so we don't become enemies instead:

merc is just one slimeball, it may take a while to get to all requests! that being said, it's super helpful if you make your initial ask as detailed and ridiculous as possible so i have more to work with!

match-ups are for enemy pairings (bribe the host 💸 for an enemies-to-lovers twist, or if you already have a slimeball in mind). each enemy pairing comes with a brief description of your meet ugly, or how you became enemies.

there will be more opportunities like this in the future, so don't take it personal if i run out of steam before getting to your ask!

Okay, so to recap: I am 20(she/they), going 21 next April. I’ve been juggling my sexuality for a while, and Masky is the romantic exception, but I’m fairly certain that I am a lesbian. I am an Aries sun, Virgo moon, Leo rising. INFP-A, and previously diagnosed with ADHD, looking to get rediagnosed. I am family and home oriented, and practice Hearthcraft. I am a fire hazard (an obsurd amount of candles, incense, and baking sessions).

Okay, while I am asking for an enemy/rival match up, it’s actually really difficult for me to linger on my anger and irritation. Sorry, y’all, but my feelings are fleeting. It’s also really difficult to make me cry without triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I simply don’t like crying in front of people, so it’ll just build until I have an emotional breakdown.

I cannot handle someone who clearly doesn’t clean themselves. It bothers the crap out of me knowing that some people could spend weeks smelling like they crawled out of a gasoline tank and not care! I will either avoid them or toss a bucket and soap at them for them to bathe outside.

Speaking of my rejection sensitivity, the fastest way to trigger it is to ignore or interrupt me. It happens way too often and I don’t think people realize just how worthless you can make someone feel by doing something as simple as that. I can literally wait half an hour for someone to finish saying something, only for them to not do the same? Feels bad, man.

I’m small and irrelevant with silent feet, so I sneak up on people really easily. I have scared people too many times to count for simply coming up, and standing beside/behind them without saying anything. It makes me laugh.

Anyways, thank you for opening these up again. I’ve been saving this one for so long because I adore you.

Your enemy is... Laughing Jack!

[Disclaimer, if you're coming from the tags, this is part of a special event I am holding from November 17th to the 21st where I am accepting matchups from all fandoms I currently write for. Feel free to check out my 1K celebration masterlist here for rules during the window this event is open! If it's past the 21st midnight USA central time, do NOT send me a matchup. I will have to politely turn you down. Sorry </3]

There is no formatting here I just go off on a tangent

Why do I think LJ is your enemy?? He's a bit of a bastard that's why. BUT, I actually think that way because he's so prone to interrupting people it's comical. He will talk and talk and then add onto the conversation by turning it back to himself!! He thinks whatever you're talking about "Isn't as important" and he genuinely does not care. He's mean, and a little rude. I also think that LJ is a messy son of a bitch. While he manages to take care of his personal hygiene (sometimes-), he's going to leave places an absolute mess for everyone else that comes after him. You ever see those people at restaurants who leave their garbage because "it's someone's job to clean it"? That's this mf. He knows your feelings are fleeting so he's going to rile you up CONSTANTLY just because he wants to piss you off. He will get on every single one of your nerves. LJ is a straight up dick and will push you until you cry because it makes HIM laugh. Literally a bastard, have fun fighting him. He's going to steal your candles more than once just to make you mad. King of "I didn't start if you did!" I hate him. You should too.

Closing Thoughts/Other Things

saying this town isn't big enough for two sex shops would be a lie... but still, setting up shop directly across the street from sex shop owners!satosugu? they were willing to forgive you, but then you started stealing their hot babes, and that's unforgivable. your shops engage in beef reminiscent of wendy's v. mcdonald's, putting signs in your windows slandering the other shop, spending a stupid amount of money to boost your advertising – and when satoru and suguru decide to play dirty, they post screenshots of your "luxury, imported inventory" found for mere pennies on aliexpress. it all comes to a head when you're standing outside your respective shops, screaming at the poor dmv employee (that's just trying to walk to work) to come into your shop instead.

After a stint at the Flapjack Shack, one weird day of park rangering, and ultimately getting rejected by the Waffle House (apparently they “have standards”???), I have finally found my niche reviewing the local dining establishments, which totally makes sense because I have so much experience putting things in my mouth. My online food blog has literal tens of subscribers, and my audience yearns for my hot takes on week-old sushi from the gas station and stale McDonald’s nuggies.

My free time is taken up hanging out at the comic book shop, where Mondays and Tuesdays are D&D night, and Wednesdays are for a money laundering ring (we don’t talk about what happens there on Thursdays…), spending too much money on Slimebucks cold brew (bitter, just like the employees), and avoiding a few slimeballs to whom I owe money (or ass).

(And oh noooo how’d this money fall out of my wallet and into your hands whaaat 💰)

money? i don't see any money? (walks away whistling with my hands in my mysteriously overfilled pockets)

anyways... it seems like you get off on the wrong foot with gas station employee!hirofumi yoshida when you stop into the grime-mart before your d&d sesh, cosplaying your character. you figured you could get some quick content reviewing the new "mystery flavor" onigiri. yoshida is absolutely fucking shmacked from dealer!recovery girl's new strain, so he nearly pisses himself when a seven foot tall... orc creature? with wings? enters the gas station and it's quite embarrassing because not only did you captured it all on camera, but it's your first video to go viral!

hellooooo kendall! it's easy to make some enemies when you're the guardian of the goods™️ in grimetown... i'm consulting my slimy crystal ball of malice right now... it seems like you're pulled into beef with peepaw!jiraiya and peepaw!kishibe? they're trying to take over the viagra trade in the grimetown old folks home and make some extra bank, but you're suspicious the moment these two men enter your shop with a couple layers of makeup on, trying to look much older than they really are.

when you don't fall for their frail elderly grandpa act, they try sweetening you up like the dirty old men they are. telling you if you give them your extra viagra stock, they'll take it for a test drive and really make it worth your time – but nope, no dice. unlike literally all the other businesses in grimetown, you try your best to be respectable and upstanding – besides, if they're really just needing it for personal use, do they really need 250 pills? get lost, grandpas.

at least their caretaker!kakashi hatake can come mediate before they try driving their motorized wheelchairs through the doors of your shop.

my brother in christ, you scared the hoes... and by the hoes, i mean mcdonald's manager!aki hayakawa. you're doing construction outside of his bastard boulevard apartment when you're bewitched by this long, dark-haired beauty taking his morning smoke on the balcony, even with his lack of tits. while this puts you off on the wrong foot with the mcdonald's manager (he doesn't appreciate being catcalled in his own apartment before he's even had his coffee), aki eventually comes around and gives you an answer to the first question you've ever asked him – yes, he does suck silicone.

(also consider hitching a ride on slutty postman!getou's mail truck because you were going for a lil romp in the envelope pile and shouting at aki on his way to work)