#endless grace

I live in the desert. When we get a rainstorm, we are paradoxically quite prone to flooding: the ground is compacted and hardened from being so dry for so long. It can’t soak in the water fast enough. It runs off in torrents, pooling in the low places, tearing out soil and roots and sometimes foundations with it. Gods grace will also be like this from time to time.

Was in a meeting today and one of my colleagues said that Christian faith isn't just about personal holiness, but about social holiness. It's about creating holiness in the way we treat each other.

Once my friend told me that he felt Christian imposter syndrome sometimes because he had never had a big, life altering encounter with God. But we encounter God everywhere. It's in the way you let me sit on your couch and ramble about a breakup when we barely knew each other. It's in sunshine. Laughter. The faces of my friends who have never set foot in a church. It's in all the people who have shown me grace and mercy when I wholly didn't deserve it. It's the ache you've been trying to explain. It's the way that birds just know when to push their babies out of the nest. The way that I have found myself back in church even though no one would blame me if I hadn't. The way that we, creatures from a miniscule part of the universe, not only wanted to, but taught ourselves how to look into deep space. The sound of water flowing along a creek. It's the rhythm of the ocean, beating since before our species existed. You can go your whole life without having a big, come-to-jesus, altar call moment when you were "saved," and that's ok. Your faith doesn't have to run on adrenaline highs and intensity. God's in the still small voice. All the little miracles around you.

On Easter, the biggest Love ever known rewrote the cosmos, balanced the moral scales of the universe, and defeated death. Love reigns supreme! It has freed us and made all things new and possible.

I'm thinking about the story of Jesus and Peter walking on the water, which we read this past Sunday (Matthew 14). Growing up I learned it as a cautionary tale. I don't know if I was actually taught this or if it's just how I read it but. Don't be like Peter; don't start wavering once you've made your declaration of faith, or else you will begin to sink. Looking at this story now, it has so much more hope. First of all, he is the only one to get out of the boat. The others can't even move against their fear, and eventually Peter will be rewarded for this boldness. And once he is out on the water, amidst impossible circumstances, he begins to doubt. But Christ pulls him up again. Before he chides Peter, he pulls him to the surface. Then I imagine him chuckling and saying, "Oh Peter. You have no reason to fear, for I am always here." This story does not say "strangle your doubts unless you want to drown." It says that when we find ourselves in situations that we can't believe and naturally begin to doubt, Christ will be there to catch us. It is not your job, or indeed within your ability, to control your faith. Instead, as it changes, know that Christ is there with you, to scoop you back up. Lean not on your own understanding, do not make the sturdiness of your faith an idol. Instead, remember how much a small, mustard sized faith can do, and keep walking.

See the thing about God being everywhere is that he's constantly waiting for you. And the thing about grace is that it doesn't just wash away the things you've done wrong, it washes away the shame, if you'll let go of it. So don't feel like you have to wait until you've figured out what to do about church, or until you've "made it right" again, or become a better person. He ate with tax collectors before asking them to change their ways. He washed Judas's feet, knowing betrayal was coming. He can work with the small things. Faith the size of a mustard seed, you know?

"Autumn why do u cry when you take the church's donations to the food bank" "why do u get so emotional when you sort donations for the congregation's college students" because i was hungry and you fed me. because i was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. because whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me. because in gods kingdom, the last must be put first. because this is the purest religious experience i can have and the most direct communion with the divine.