endecision replied to your post âhttp://klefable.tumblr.com/post/165376984834 If a woman you knew...â
that seems like an overly charitable interpretation - as far as I can tell they're saying they think emotional labor ought to be paid for with sex, which is gross
I think itâs less âemotional labour ought to be paid for with sexâ and more âany amount of emotional labour outside of a romantic relationship is too much, this is not a thing youâre supposed to say you want and if you say you want it youâre signalling romantic interest but then not following throughâ with a side of âwomen, am I rightâ. Which in practice works out the same- shitty guys acting like theyâre entitled to womenâs bodies because women were nice to them one time and being enormous sexist pricks when the women in question go âwtf noâ.Â
But I think this problem has a lot in common with the âwhy do men send dick picsâ thing. Itâs really easy to read malign intentions onto someone whoâs behaving badly- and this is bad behavior! Assuming that anyone who wants to have an emotionally intimate relationship with you wants to boink you is really unhealthy for everyone involved, especially the person who just wants to be friends with you!Â
But if the problem isnât âthese gross people believe a gross thingâ. itâs âthere is a fundamental difference in assumptions between how AFAB and AMAB people are socializedâ, then a much higher number of people are suffering for no good reason, and fixing âit is socially unacceptable to talk about your displeasure with this situationâ will not fix the socialization difference. Â
Iâm going to steal some language from @avertingtheflamewars for a hypothetical (and thank you for giving us a set of non-emotionally-charged words that work well):Â
Imagine a society where people donât use doorknobs. Youâre expected to lever open doors with your fingernails. If you canât do this- say, youâre carrying a load of groceries- itâs (sort of) acceptable to ask a romantic partner or a family member for help. If you ask an unrelated person to help you open a door, this is basically an expression of romantic interest.Â
You go from this society to the society where people are sane and use doorknobs or push bars or what have you. Someone attractive opens a door for you and holds it open, out of basic decency. You think âwow, someone opened a door for me? And I wasnât carrying anything heavy? Clearly they must be into me!â and ask âhey you opened the door, do you want to get coffee later?âÂ
The person says ânoâ and is confused or even disgusted with you for making this connection. If you are basically a decent human being, your initial thought is âwhat did I do wrong? maybe Iâm not holding open enough doors for pretty people? maybe I had something in my teeth?â If youâre not, you go on the internet and shout about how ARGLEDY BARGLE WHY DO DOORKNOB PEOPLE HOLD OPEN DOORS AND THEN NOT BANG YOU CLEARLY THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE!!!1!Â
Saying âuh, youâre not entitled to boink people because they opened a door for youâ until it sticks will make it less likely that youâll hear the ARGLEDYBARGLE, if only because it will eventually become socially unacceptable to say that kind of thing out loud. But it doesnât fix the problem- the one where half of everyone thinks they have to pry open doors with their fingernails and that if someone does the basic pleasantry of holding a door for you that they want to boink you.
If you donât fix the problem, you wind up with a lot of people who are confused and unhappy for no good reason- no-doorknob-people thinking theyâre unloveable because people keep opening doors for them and then going âno, wtf is wrong with youâ and doorknob-people getting a lot of unwanted romantic attention from not-doorknob-people when theyâre just trying to go about their lives.
Okay, that was a really ham-handed metaphor, but ... you get my meaning, right?Â