#empath advice

1.  We cannot change, so please don’t expect that. 

Nothing will drive an Empath further away more than if you try to change our sensitivity and emphatic abilities. YES, we are different from the majority of the people you know but so what? We’re sensitive. We’re intuitive. We get easily overstimulated. We cry. We see the beauty in everything. We feel the pain of others. Don’t try to change us. It won’t work and we will close ourselves off to you immediately.

2.  Caging us will cause damage. 

We are like birds; we need to be able to fly freely to wherever our emotions take us. There will be highs and lows and twisting and turning in-betweens. Caging us is like clipping our wings. We will lose the light that guides our way if you try to control us. If that happens, we will shut down and the love we have to give gets tucked pretty deep inside of us. The damage is hard to undo but can be avoided by not trying to cage us.

3.  Time alone is non-negotiable.

Empaths need to re-energize in a space that is all their own. It will look differently for everyone but chances are they need time to be alone. It can be tiring always feeling the energy of the people surrounding us, please don’t be mad or annoyed when we need to refuel on our own. It doesn’t mean we don’t love or want to be around you. It means we need to quiet our mind and replenish our energy. We will come back happier than before, I promise.

4.  Take what we say seriously.

Empaths are extremely creative folks. There’s always a next idea that’s popping up in their head, listen to them. Take them seriously. Believe in them, even as crazy as the idea sounds. Empaths, arguably more than anyone else, have the ability to truly change the world. Listen to them when they pour their hearts out to you. Because somewhere in between their excitement, their passion and words that get jumbled, something quite amazing is ready to be created.

5.  Being supportive helps us open up.

We know we’re different, this isn’t new to us. We know the way we see life doesn’t make sense to a lot of non-empathetic people. We also know there’s a whole world of people out there trying to change us. If you want to love us, support us. Step out on a limb and put a little faith in us. This actually helps us feel safe enough to more open about who we are.

6.  Our intuition is usually spot on.

Contrary to popular belief, we actually do know what we’re talking about. We’re empathetic, remember? We feel everything. So, when we have a good feeling about something, trust us. When we have a bad feeling about something, trust us. When we go after a dream because it speaks to our hearts, trust us. When we think somebody is lying, trust us. For a non-empathetic person I understand this is putting a lot of “blind faith” in someone but trust me, trusting the Empath in you life will show her that you believe in what she’s saying.

7.  Be honest; dishonesty destroys us.

As an Empath, most people think sugar-coating things is the way to go. I will tell you with 100% certainty being honest is the ONLY way to go. The betrayal we feel from being lied to, after we have opened up our hearts and souls to you, is something that will take a very long time to recover from. It can, and most likely, will ruin your relationship. Just be honest.The couple of days of crying sure beats losing an Empath for good.

8.  Don’t compete with the love we have for our animals.

MOST, not all, but most Empaths feel unbelievably connected to animals and have a one or two (or seven) furry friends that they ABSOLUTELY LOVE. When I say connected what I really mean is they would do anything for them. Some days you will feel like you come second to them. If you want the honest truth, you kinda do. They can’t help it. The love they feel for their pets is different from the love they feel for you and it shouldn’t be competed with. Don’t try. I guarantee your wife will love you more if you can accept and appreciate the deep love she has for her dog.

9.  We need you to make us laugh.

Some days we need someone to pull us out of our non-stop minds and remind us what it is to laugh until our bellies hurt. To have fun like children do. To live in the moment and not be so serious all the time. We need someone to push the pause button for a moment and let us know it’s OK to enjoy ourselves.

10.  Know there are some things we will never give up.

There are things in this world that speak so clearly and directly to our hearts it feels like it’s apart of us. As dramatic as it may sound, it’s almost like we won’t be ourselves without it. It could be music, painting, photography, working for a non-profit organization, feeding the homeless. It’s love and passion. Some of the most passionate people in the world are Empaths. If we lose our passion, we lose ourselves. Please don’t ask or expect us to give up on something that has changed our hearts for the better.

11.  Our hearts break daily.

It’s overwhelming being an Empath. Some days all it takes is for somebody to say one “wrong” thing to me or to see an image of something terrible or hear a story about a person I don’t know who’s gone through the unthinkable and I’m crying like a baby. Our hearts break easily. It can be devastating at times to be an Empath so on those days, let us cry. No questions or advice needed, just accept our hearts are heavy from this world and we need to cry it out.

12.  Understand we love with great intensity.

It’s no surprise that when you feel deeply connected to almost everything, you love with great intensity. We truly feel “one” with our surroundings! So when we love somebody we feel one with them and our love is intense. It’s powerful. It can heal but in the wrong hands, it can be dangerous. In the right hands, it will change you forever. And for the better.

13.  Accept our abilities to feel the world around us.

Poking fun at our sensitivity is one thing. Judging, ridiculing and belittling who we truly are is another. Acting as if “this” is something we will “get over” is a kiss of death when in a relationship with an Empath. Accept us. Love us. We have a unique ability to see and feel the world differently. Don’t judge us, please.

14.  Don’t cast your insecurity on us.

It takes a secure man to really love an Empathetic woman. That is the God’s honest truth. If you want to tear her down by casting your insecurity on her, sadly it may work. Feeling how others feel isn’t something she can turn off. But I know if you do that, she will hide the best of her from you. She will temporarily clip her own wings and it will be your loss. The beauty and most amazing parts of her happen when she’s in motion.

15.  If it is too much, please leave gracefully.

Maybe you’ve met her at the wrong time, or it wasn’t meant to be forever or this is too much for you right now. Either way, love her by leaving gracefully. Do not cage her or put her down or make her feel insecure about who she is. Love her by leaving with respect and honesty. She will love and thank you for it.

If you get the chance to love an Empath even just once in your life, you are lucky. It won’t always be easy but it will most definitely be worth it.

Years ago I worked for a startup on a tight budget, with ten of us working out of an extremely cramped office. The woman who sat next to me wore a strong perfume that reminded me of the candle store in the mall. Usually by mid morning I had the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and by the end of the afternoon I was downright nauseous.

At this point in my life I hadn’t yet discovered that I was an introvert, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), or an INFJ personality type. I just knew that I did not mix well with strong smells, loud noises, or crowded places. I was prone to headaches and anxiety and something as simple as a strobe light could set me off.

So, even though this woman’s perfume seemed like such a small thing, it was actually wreaking havoc on my daily life.

Thankfully another one of my coworkers had become a close friend. She was very similar to me—intuitive, people-oriented, and sensitive—and I later found out she was an ENFJ. When I told her about the perfume lady, she said simply, “Why don’t you ask her not to wear that perfume to work anymore? Tell her it bothers you.”

I was stunned, and speechless. That was allowed? I could ask other people to modify something because it was causing me a problem? Rationally, I understood this concept. But emotionally, it felt like my entire world had shifted.

Why It’s Hard for Sensitive Introverts to Speak Up

I am not the first HSP introvert to struggle with this issue, and I definitely won’t be the last. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from the past. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.

This works about half the time. The other half we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.

So, as highly sensitive people, we have two choices. We can step into our power and be uncomfortable now, in the present moment, by speaking up for what we need. Or we can choose powerlessness and guarantee that we’ll still feel uncomfortable—and probably angry and bitter—in the future, by suppressing our needs and keeping our mouths shut.

Many HSPs and introverts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and a penchant for codependency. We really, really want to make sure that everyone in our environment is happy, especially with us. But this is a fight we’ll never win. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. That’s what this whole “free will” deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else it’s essential to step back and let them have their own choices and their own reactions.

If people-pleasing has always been an issue for you, this four-step process can help:

Step 1: Evaluate Your Needs

Does the thing you need encroach on the rights of anyone else? Is it harmful to other people? If you’re not invading anyone else’s space or being disrespectful of someone else’s boundaries, it’s safe to say that you are justified in asking that your needs be respected. Use common sense here as well. Sure, your coworker might argue that listening to dance music at top volume is his inalienable right, but most sensible people would agree that his argument doesn’t hold water.

The Takeaway

If you’re able to speak up for what you need and still be respectful of others, then do it. It’s not your responsibility to set boundaries for other people, only for yourself.

Step 2: Use Your Preferred Mode of Communication

Most introverts and HSPs have the misguided idea that we should push ourselves to have face-to-face confrontations with people, when there is nothing that makes us feel more like we want to crawl under a rock. But there is a solution. I hereby give you permission, from this day forward, to communicate your needs through the written word, whenever and to whomever you want, without feeling guilty about it. So send that email. Write that letter and leave it in your neighbor’s mailbox. As long as you state your needs as honestly and respectfully as possible, it’s all good.

The Takeaway 

Many introverts communicate much more effectively in writing. Use that to your advantage.

Step 3: Maintain Your Boundaries

Even after you’ve identified what you need and found the courage to ask for it, sometimes the other party will still try to push your buttons (by being consciously manipulative) or forget your previous requests (by being unconsciously oblivious). So, sometimes, you have to go through the whole process again. The upside is that every time you go through it, you get more practice on how to take back your power.

The Takeaway 

Asking once might not be enough. If you have to repeat yourself, that’s okay. Think of it as a practice.

Step 4: Hold Responsibility Only for Yourself

When you’re evaluating your needs, you might be tempted to push them aside so that your coworker can go on enjoying his crazy loud dance music every morning. When asking for your needs, you might try to soothe someone else’s defensive reactions. When maintaining a boundary, you might give in when someone tries to tear down your fence because they’ve always been allowed into your garden before, and now they don’t like feeling left out. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. They never have been and they never will be.

The Takeaway 

You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. You’re not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people.

Speaking up for your needs is not easy. But if you are truly committed to living your best life, it must be done. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You’ll come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.

And when you look into the mirror, you’ll respect the person looking back at you, because you’ll know that person speaks up for herself!

If you’re an empath, you probably already know that you see and feel things in a unique way. Empaths have the innate ability to truly understand other people, whether they know them well or not. With their unprecedented abilities to be selfless in a self-serving world, empaths might often feel used by others or out of place. But empaths, I’m here to let you know there are more people like you out there than you think. Upon discovering the term “empath,” it really helped explain a few things about why I am the way I am. There are a lot of ways I can describe my personality: introverted, INFJ, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), but I think being an empath is really at the core of who I am. (What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)

So, here are 11 things that helped me explain some of the out-of-the-ordinary parts of my personality I didn’t understand before. They may not be true for every introverted empath, but they are definitely true to the empath in me:

1. Empaths walk in other people’s shoes with little effort. One of the easiest things for an empath to do is understand what another person is going through. That is, in essence, the definition of the word “empathy,” which Merriam-Webster describes as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” In short, empathy is walking in someone’s shoes even if they’ve walked a completely different path than anything you’ve experienced. Now, this isn’t to say that empaths have a supernatural ability to comprehend any human situation, experience, or feeling — we’re just better at it than most.

2. We feel deeply. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s as if my emotions seem to be more heightened than others around me. This can be both a blessing and a curse. On the upside, people will know I care about them without me even having to really say it. However, there are times where a greater tendency towards apathy would make my life easier; it’s tiring to constantly be experiencing strong emotions. For example, when I’m grieving — whether it be the loss of a loved one or a dramatic and unpleasant change in my life — my insomnia worsens, my moods plunge, I listen to a lot of sad music, and it becomes all too easy to choke up and lose myself.

3. We can be brought to tears over seemingly insignificant things. I’ve cried while looking at an exhibit in a museum, reading books, listening to someone tell a story, and especially while watching or reading the news. Tears come easy to me but when they do, I often need to assess where they’re coming from: the empath in me or the HSP. Both aspects of my personality can lead to an emotional response, but it’s important to identify in myself where the emotion is coming from in order to move on from that moment.

4. We are passionate. One reason we may get emotional easily is that we have a large capacity for passion. If there’s a subject, people group, or situation we truly care about helping, we will throw ourselves into the effort. If we believe what we’re doing will truly help someone, we may even be willing to go out of our comfort zones to get it done — even us introverted empaths.

5. We listen because we truly care. It’s against our nature not to care. We go beyond the shallow definition of “people-pleaser” because we not only place a lot of value in how others perceive us but also in that we don’t want to let anyone down. We have a passion for other people, and one thing about people is they love to feel heard. As empaths, we know this and look to offer a listening ear.

6. We love serving. Empaths have servant hearts: It’s hard for us to see suffering and not want to help. When we’re choosing how to spend our time, we often look for activities that have a purpose and meaning behind them. While I’ve been a student, I’ve always been drawn to organizations surrounding volunteer work. Maybe it’s partially nurture — how I was raised — but I think it’s also definitely a part of my nature, linked to the empath I am. Looking after others is also one of the ways we ourselves feel fulfilled because it’s often easier to focus on the struggles of others rather than ourselves.

7. We get other people’s feelings but not always our own. It’s kind of like having the ability to know who is crushing on your friend but being completely oblivious to the possibility that someone likes you. Reading other people’s feelings? For an empath, that’s a piece of cake. Sorting out our own inner turmoil? More often than not, a complete and utter fail. You’d think self-awareness is a fundamental human trait, but for some of us, it’s a bit trickier to figure out. Empaths feel and understand so much that sifting out their own feelings from the feelings of others can be a daunting task — albeit a necessary one.

8. We read people well. Empaths often consider the effect their words will have on the listener, because they want to know that what they’re saying or doing isn’t going to negatively impact someone. This mode of calculated conversation and action can provide empaths with a large store of knowledge as to what makes people tick.

9. We have strong, lasting connections with people we may not have interacted with in years. Once we bond with someone, it can often take on a “till-death-do-us-part” type of existence. Distance, separation, and time may cause our surface level relationship to corrode, but we still feel a strong affinity for the person who meant a lot to us at one point in time, even long after we’ve parted ways.

10. We’re often labeled as being overly sensitive or emotional. Telling someone that an emotional response makes them weak is an argument people have been using against various groups for ages. They may not be singled out in this, but empaths often fall into one or more of the groups under such reproach. Especially if you’re a male empath, people might see your sensitivity and tell you that you need to “man up.” Our culture associates masculinity and power with rationality — as if an emotional response is never the rational one. (Personally, I think there are many scenarios in which it could be construed as highly irrational to lack any emotion.) So empaths, stay strong in your own uniquely sensitive way; the world could use a whole lot more people like you.

11. Empaths are sought after but often underappreciated. Not all empaths are introverts, but the ones that are tend to be affected more by this one. When you’re a genuine, attentive listener who gives good advice, people and their problems tend to flock to you. It doesn’t even matter if they know you hardly at all, but something about empaths makes people decide to bare their souls. It’s not really that much of a shock that this happens if you consider how good at being understanding empaths are, though it can at times become frustrating. We do care immensely about the well-being of others, and that’s why we may bite our tongues and sit down to listen to someone rant about the same things again. However, empaths need to beware of one-sided relationships where they’re giving all of themselves and not receiving anywhere near the same in return.

A Final Note to Empaths

My dear empaths, you were born hard-wired to put others first. Your selfless attitude is both courageous and compassionate. Just don’t forget that it’s important to take care of yourself, too. There will be people who won’t appreciate your sensitivity or will seek to use your empathetic demeanor for their own gain; and these are the people that are not worth anguishing over. Instead, seek out the people and the places that will value you and support you as much as you support them. And don’t let someone convince you that caring for other people isn’t worth it. But then again, I’m sure you know that already.

Empaths are typically known as the healers of the world. They’re the people whose senses are heightened–the ones that not only see the different energies of the world, but actually feel them, experience them.

Those who are not empaths might think that this ability to feel what others feel is a gift, but if you can convince an empath to talk about their gift, they might tell you that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. In fact, it’s quite often not a very fun gift to possess at all.

Because of their gift, so many people rely on them for support. Empaths are almost always trusted because they make people feel safe. And while the empath is capable of handling the emotions of others, they also experience quite a bit of stress because of it.

The dark side of being an empath comes in the form of having two conflicting voices constantly roaring at each other inside of their heads. Constantly feeling both the good and the bad, the negative and the positive, to the point that they feel overwhelmed.

Empaths are more susceptible to the negative energies in life. Their intense ability to feel can’t get away from the deep-rooted evils that exist in the world. Their deep understanding of how the world exists and operates is enough to confuse and sadden them. What they can’t understand is why this type of energy exists in the first place, if all it does is hurt others.

The dark side of being an empath is constantly being exhausted and fatigued from the energies you absorb. But, you’d never know it. Because the empath never dares break down or lose composure. They quietly observe, acknowledge and feel.

As many others do, empaths want to be loved and accepted for who they are. But, it is their generosity and kindness that often sees them being taken advantage of by those who only take, never give. Empaths are ‘givers’ by all means, ready to show kindness to those in need at all times.

The dark side of being an empath is not knowing that being so selfless places an incredibly heavy burden on one’s self. Even the empaths that do recognize the burdensome nature of their selflessness often choose to ignore it, because carrying that weight is more meaningful than letting it fall on someone else’s shoulders.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that you willingly neglect both your body and mind for the sake of others. A neglect that builds over the years, eventually resulting in the need to go soul-searching once again, a practice that we only take up when we feel completely lost.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that even when they fall in love, they never do so entirely. They simply aren’t capable of giving every ounce of their heart to someone else. They know that if they tried, the intensity of the passion would most likely be too much to handle, for themselves and their partners.

Which is why they always keep a little part of them hidden away from the rest of the world. They keep a guard up out of necessity, even if they want nothing more than to let it down and succumb to an overwhelming love.

The dark side of being an empath is the war that is always being waged within. The war they wage against the sadness, the darkness, and the sorrowful side of themselves that is always trying to rear its ugly head and lead them into self-destruction.

The only way they can fight this successfully is by learning to distinguish between emotions that are their own, and emotional energies that are imposters, invading from the outside. Empaths need people who understand who they are, people they can talk to and who will listen.

Empaths need to be able to let down the wall they’ve built up around their feelings so that they can let their empathic selves do good in their own life.

Otherwise, empaths are destined to fight a war within themselves that never ends.

By AMANDA GREENE

“And those who were seen dancing were thought insane by those who could not hear the music.” ― Nietzsche

Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weak or broken.  But to feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being.  It is not the sensitive person who is broken, it is society’s understanding that has become dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated.  There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings.  Those who are at times described as being ‘too emotional’ or ‘complicated’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring, humane world.  Never be ashamed to let your feelings, smiles and tears shine a light in this world.

Of course, that’s easier said than done, because it can be so confusing, right? … Why you get overwhelmed by run-of-the-mill tasks that others take in stride.  Why you mull over slights that ought to be forgotten.  Why subtleties are magnified for you and yet lost on others.

It’s like you were born missing a protective layer of skin that others seem to have.

You try to hide it.  Numb it.  Tune it out.  But the comments still pierce your armor: “You’re overthinking things.  You’re too sensitive.  Toughen up!”

You’re left wondering what on earth is wrong with you.

I know, because I was in my mid-40s when I stumbled across the term ‘highly sensitive people.’  This led me to discover how delicious it feels to be one of thousands saying, “You do that?  Me too!”

Since then, I’ve learned that many sensitive people feel isolated from others.  They feel misunderstood and different, and they usually don’t know why.  They just don’t realize that they have a simple trait that explains their confusing array of symptoms and quirks.

There’s even a scientific term for it: Sensory Processing Sensitivity.  Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates that 15-20% of people have nervous systems that process stimuli intensely.  They think deeply.  They feel deeply (physically and emotionally).  They easily become over-stimulated.

According to my research several successful historical figures were highly sensitive, such as Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, and Steve Jobs.  I see this as great news, because it means us sensitive types aren’t inherently disadvantaged.

But when we don’t realize how to handle our sensitivity, we end up pushing too hard to keep up with everyone else.  We try to do what others seem to handle with ease, and try to do it better than them.  And this leads to problems.

For a time, we do a first-rate job of using our natural gifts: we’re creative students, conscientious employees, and devoted family members.  But when we hammer on beyond our limits, doing so can eventually take its toll.  It shows up in things like unrelenting health conditions, muscle tension we can’t get rid of, and being endlessly fatigued or on edge for no good reason.

If you resonate with any of this, here are 10 actions you can take to stop struggling and start thriving:

1. Quit searching for someone or something to fix you.

Sensitivity is a temperament trait, not a medical disorder.  So nothing is inherently wrong with you.  Sadly, though, many certified health practitioners don’t understand this because sensory processing sensitivity is a recent area of health research.

Sure, highly sensitive people are more likely to have allergies or sensitivities to food, chemicals, medication, and so forth.  And they’re more prone to overstimulation, thus quicker to feel stress — which can lead to other health issues.  But sensitivity in itself is not something that needs fixing.

Successful sensitive types realize that they’re not “broken.”  If your mind is exhausted from busily researching yet another solution to take away your “flaws,” know that the answers to living in harmony with your sensitive nature lie inside you.

2. Tell yourself, as often as necessary, that you are not a fraud.

Impostor syndrome isn’t exclusive to highly sensitive people.  Many conscientious and high achieving people fall victim to this nagging fear.  But the simmering discomfort about being found out is often constant for a sensitive person.

Why wouldn’t it be, considering you’ve spent a lifetime of feeling different from others and trying to fit in?  Maybe you blame your tears on dust in your eye during that cheesy TV commercial; or you sign up for the company fun run, even though you hate running and you know you’ll feel ashamed of how long your body takes to recover.  But even if you grew up displaying your sensitivity with pride, it’s unlikely you escaped the cultural pressure motivating you to disguise your real self to fit the norms.

Successful sensitive types respect that their nervous systems are wired differently from 80-85% of people.  If you’re constantly thinking about who you should be but aren’t, and what you should be doing but can’t, understand that valuing your achievements and signature strengths allows you to show yourself as you truly are, more comfortably — even when you’re the odd one out.

3. Seek out kindred spirits (and know that you are NOT alone).

You probably feel different and alone.  But the truth is, you’re not.  Many have experienced confusion in isolation before discovering that hordes of people have some idea of what it’s like to be you.  They’ve felt the surge of power that comes from being supported by like-minded souls.  And they want to pay it forward.

The key whenever possible is to hang out with sensitive people who are already flourishing, or at least open to those possibilities.  They understand not only how to manage their sensitivity, but also how to wield its superpowers.  They know what it’s like for you to feel endlessly under siege, and they can offer firsthand experience and wisdom to help you make your sensitivities work in your favor.

Successful sensitive types appreciate and relish the strengths of sensitivity, in themselves and others.  If you’re feeling unsupported or misunderstood, find a sensitively knowledgeable coach, mentor, or community who gets you … and nurture that connection.

4. Look for the hidden positivity in every situation and soak it up.

The brain is a powerful filter that molds experiences and perceptions of reality.  If you think the world is a dangerous place, your brain is wired to hunt for evidence of danger.  If you believe it’s a loving place, you spot more loving opportunities.  What you focus on, you get more of.

As a highly sensitive person, the more negative the environment, the more you suffer.  But the opposite is also true — the more positive, the more you thrive (even compared to others).

Thoughts are stimuli for your nervous system.  One of the most important things a sensitive person can do is acknowledge the negative (not ignore it — because what you resist, persists), but then let it go… immerse yourself in positive thoughts and situations that make you feel good, or at least give you a soothing sense of relief.

Successful sensitive types decide to see the world brimming with opportunities to feel grateful for, and to marinate in that positive vibe.  If you’re feeling at the mercy of your emotions and circumstances, understand that your thoughts (and the emotional charges they trigger) are always within your control.

5. Find new spins on old flaws.

Your gifts of sensitivity include deep reflection and an instinct to see all angles and consequences.  But by being so deeply tuned into details, you’re easily overwhelmed and exhausted by unyielding stimulation.  And when you don’t understand why you feel and behave in the ways you do, it’s easy to frame these as flaws.

In truth, these “weaknesses” are simply your unmet needs and unique gifts to nourish.  In reframing your past and nurturing your present, you set yourself up for success in your future.

Successful sensitive types rethink old perceptions in light of their deeper understandings of sensitivity.  If you’re weighed down by the hypersensitive and neglected (even, despised) parts of yourself, seek to discover the other side of the coin … where you’ll find some of your greatest strengths: intuition, vision, conscientiousness — and the list goes on.

6. Treat yourself with compassion.

As a highly sensitive person you are deeply compassionate.  So much so that putting others’ comfort and needs before your own is second nature.  On top of that, you’re often your own biggest critic.  You push yourself hard, and then you beat up on yourself when you miss the mark.  You criticize yourself in ways you’d never dream of judging others.

Controlling your nagging inner critic is essential to self-compassion.  But contrary to popular belief, you shouldn’t do so by relentlessly ignoring it.  Deep thinking is one of your gifts, so why not embrace that power?  Take control by hearing your thoughts without judgment (after all, there might be gems of wisdom hidden deep) and then pivoting to thoughts that trigger kinder and more loving emotions in your body.  From that better-feeling place, you’re better able to choose actions to care for yourself and others.

Successful sensitive types show themselves the same loving compassion that they’re naturally good at giving others.  It may feel selfish or vain at first, but it’s not.  If your critical inner voice is devaluing who you are, answer back with self-kindness … this is the antidote.

7. Create healthy boundaries, not rigid emotional walls.

We live in a culture that values “take a painkiller and push on” far more than it values sensitivity.  We grow up hearing: “no pain, no gain; survival of the fittest; life isn’t fair — get used to it.”  We admire those who show grit to prevail over their terrible plights.

As a highly sensitive person your reflex reaction may be to freeze up or struggle to toughen up.  You build walls to shield yourself from hurt …  Emotional walls, such as suppressing feelings or creating dramatic turmoil to distract from the real causes of pain.  Physical walls, such as piling on layers of weight to hide behind.  Mental walls, such as tuning out with alcohol or drugs.

Or, you may let all your boundaries collapse at once, thereby unconsciously absorbing others’ energies and feeling devoured by unpredictable events and emotions.  You try to escape the feelings by getting caught up in overthinking everything: endlessly planning and searching and analyzing, while completely losing touch with your intuition.  And in the process you confuse conscientiousness with overwork, empathy with over-identification, compassion with over-tolerance.  So you beat yourself up about how you know you should have better boundaries.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Successful sensitive types embody gentle but firm personal boundaries.  If you struggle to put your own needs first (which doesn’t come naturally to a highly sensitive person), make a conscious choice to practice the skill of saying “no” with love and grace, or carving out alone time to recharge … and decide to feel good about that.

8. Tune in to your body (to avoid seesawing between emotional extremes).

Many highly sensitive people learn to ignore the messages their bodies are sending them.  They switch it off to avoid overwhelm or they tune in to others’ needs instead of their own to meet what’s expected of them.  Does this sound familiar?

Doing so leaves you swinging like a pendulum.  Too much, too little.  Too fast, too slow.  Too in, too out.  Back and forth between being over-stimulated and mind-numbingly bored, dieting and then bingeing, or exercising hard and then needing several days to recover.  And so on and so forth.

Successful sensitive types tune in to the physical sensations in their bodies; they accept that it’s not always comfortable, but they trust their bodies to guide them.  If you have a habit of hiding from feelings or passing the point of overwhelm, learn to recognize your body’s subtle signs of overstimulation.  You’ll spend less time being thrown out of balance, and more time swaying gently within your nervous system’s range of optimal arousal.

9. Design healthy habits that fit your unique needs.

Eventually, it all catches up with you.  Grueling hours at work, followed by hard sweat at the gym and keeping on top of chaos around home — all fueled by crappy diets and minimal sleep or downtime.  It’s an easy trap to fall into because you’re simply living the way you see most people get by on.

What’s more, some seemingly healthy habits hit hard on a sensitive nervous system — like “health” foods that are heavily processed and pumped with sugar and artificial additives, or intense exercise that’s not balanced with ample recovery time. If you allow too much stimulation and too lousy replenishment, you run the risk of chronic illnesses (as many sensitive types have learned the hard way).  At the same time, if you overprotect yourself, your genius goes unexpressed, and that also can lead to stress and ill health.

Successful sensitive types practice habits that truly nourish them.  If you struggle with energy or well-being issues, prioritize habits that nurture these areas of your life (such as more sleep and alone time), and limit those that over-stimulate or drain you (such as too many high pressures activities — even if they are so-called healthy).

10. Stop smothering your sensitivity.

After a lifetime of being bombarded by stimuli, it becomes second nature to push sensitivity out of the conscious awareness.  Tuning out from relentless sensations, for example, so you can pretend you don’t give a darn.  Toning down intense feelings (good and bad) so you aren’t on a roller coaster.  Suppressing emotions to get a break from feeling anything at all.

This self-protective mechanism might fool your conscious mind, but it doesn’t fool your sensitive body.  This oozes into your health, your relationships, your career, every aspect of your life … or, it builds tension inside until something has to give.

Successful sensitive types let go of the grasp for control.  When you free the energy used to hold yourself tight, you free the gifts of sensitivity that have been lost to you: empathy, creativity, and heightened joy, to name a few.  And you allow your true potential to blossom.