#emoitions

There are so many things I want to write. So many things that cloud my mind lately that I have lost track of what they’re doing up there. They linger, hover, float above me-around me just ready to take a strike. Do I really want to share all these thoughts? No. Not really. But, maybe I’ll share one. 

To those who are reading this, I’m sorry. You’re going to be looking for some self pity, moping sad sob story this isn’t the place. This is just some normal person relaying some normal problems into the normal world. 

Sometimes it’s a gift to know how to be left alone. How to blend in. How to make a mask. Oh, you all know what I’m talking about when I say a mask. That face  you make every. Single. Day. It doesn’t have to be for anything big but we all have one. 

A common mask people wear for example is at work when you have an irate customer screaming at the top of their lungs that the service you provided wasn’t on par or to their liking. Maybe that patient didn’t receive her medicine on time, or that druggie stumbled into the mall looking to cause trouble. They didn’t find their service (medicine on time or drugs from the local ‘A&W’) and now you have to deal with their wrath. You put on that mask, the one that’s blank but polite and tell them whatever bull crap policy your employer has shoved up your ass. 

So we can agree we all have those masks. But, at the end of the day we get to take them off-put them aside for awhile and let loose before slipping them back on for the next day.

What if I told you that I wore a mask for over ten years and never took it off? 

It didn’t feel bad at first. A little uncomfortable-like slipping a tampon in for the first time or for the gents out there, maybe it was like getting that awkward sex talk. It was strange and unusual but you slowly grow into it. Feel it. Become one with it. Let it be your sole identity. A shield that all negative comments, all the hate and prejudice bounce off. You realize: why take this mask off? Why not keep it on and just save everyone a little time and effort from you explaining yourself that you’re one way at some points-and a complete total lunatic on the down low?

Well, I thought that. I thought why not save everyone that grief and keep that mask on. It was a fine mask. Pretty, nice, bland, not noticeable. I’ll throw in a purposeful mistake here and there to throw them off from being ‘too fake’. 

And you know what? It worked. It worked pretty damn well. Make up some bullshit problems like homework or school practice being stupid and boom. Welcome to normal teen life. Just switch it at college with boyfriend troubles or family stuff and you got that covered as well.

It was never having the mask on that sucked. It was fantastic. But, there comes a time when you have to take it off. It might not be within a year, or a few, but it will eventually come.

Mine did. Ten years later. 

Hardest part? Actually taking it off. Because it’s so ingrained so fucking part of you that it’s like ripping skin off you. Literally. It’s painful as fuck and you’re slowly letting your true self shine-the one that doesn’t like the things that you previously said you did, or had patience like you had in the past. It shows a damn ugly side of you, and it shows what you really care about. Because that mask also could have you avoid standing up for what you believe in. To keep your head down and let others dictate what to think and feel and you just have to nod along the way and say ‘oh I totally agree’. 

Like I said, it’s hard. It has rewards but it’s hard. And some days I’d rather eat some lead than do it. But I know I gotta. You gotta. We all gotta take the damn mask off sometime. 

this is happening to me too and i’m dyin!!

um????? i lived to see an Angel????????????????

gdfgdg they literally filmed the pilot at my old high school!!