#emo cake

Calum knows something’s wrong when he wakes up in the middle of the night to find that Luke’s half of the bed is empty. It’s still dark outside, the moon the only light coming in through curtains. Calum’s woken up from a half remembered dream, bleary and disorientated, and ready to roll over and go back to sleep when he’s met with Luke’s empty half of the bed. Frowning, Calum sits up a little, rubbing at his eyes. The sheets are long cold, clear that Luke’s been up and gone for a bit now. Petunia and Duke are both still at the foot of the bed, snoring lightly. That worries Calum even more, that wherever Luke’s gone, he didn’t take Petunia with him. 

Calum sighs, flipping the sheets back and getting out of bed. He leaves the bedroom, looking around for any lights on in the house. Everything is still dark inside, a clear sign that Luke’s not in here. Calum frowns, worry building up in his chest as he makes his way down the stairs and out into the living room. Calum takes a look around, noticing that the sliding glass door that leads out to their deck is open ajar. If Calum squints, he can just barely make out the shape of Luke outside on one of their chairs. Calum makes his way across the living room, opening the door slightly so that he can join Luke outside. 

Luke turns his head slightly when Calum comes out. The moonlight frames Luke, lighting him up and making him glow. Calum’s forever mesmerized by Luke and the way he looks. No one can ever manage to look as ethereal as Luke, with his upturned perfect slope of a nose, bright blue eyes, and dimpled smile. Like this, outside in the moonlight, Luke manages to look even more like a fairy creature and Calum can’t understand how someone like Luke would pick him, a mere mortal.

Luke smiles weakly, turning back to face forward, staring out at the night sky.  Calum drops into the seat next to Luke, following Luke’s gaze as they stare out at the stars. Calum lets the silence continue for a few moments before he finally speaks up, drawing Luke’s attention to him.  

“Why are you awake?” Luke murmurs, still facing away from Calum. If Calum wasn’t so familiar with Luke, the sound of his voice, the deep rumble of his voice when it’s still sleep soft, Calum probably wouldn’t have picked up on the sad sound of his voice. It’s there though, Luke’s voice a little watery around the edges, like he’s just finished crying or is in the process of holding back the tears.

“Weird dream. I woke up and you weren’t there. The better question is why are you awake? It’s far too late for you to even be awake.”

Luke sniffles, rubbing at his nose, “I don’t know. I woke up and the world was a lot and I couldn’t get back to sleep because my anxiety suddenly started and it made me feel like I was choking. Everything just got so overwhelming I didn’t know what to do.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Calum asks, reaching over to grab Luke’s hand and squeeze. Luke shrugs.

“It’s just like...the world is a lot? All the time? We released an album and we had all these plans and then we went into lockdown and we keep making all these plans hoping eventually it’ll end, but it feels like it’s never going to end. We don’t even know if we’ll be able to tour the rest of this year because they might not even let us travel to other states, let alone leave the country. It just feels like we’re letting all of our fans down and I know we don’t have any control over it, but I can’t help feeling responsible for it all the same. I miss my mom, I miss her so much and I missed my birthday with her and my dad and I’m sure I’m going to miss it this year with them and I know you miss your parents and we can’t do anything about it. And I’m happy Ashton made his album and that he’s happy and fulfilled but then we keep seeing all those articles about how the band was going to break up or that I was a horrible friend because I didn’t post about his album and...it’s just all too much. I just want to exist sometimes, without having to worry about the next thing or what I’m supposed to do or if I go outside to get coffee is someone going to take a picture of me, so they can judge my mask or what I’m doing. Sometimes I can’t breathe because of how much the world is and it’s only gotten worse because I’m stuck instead and it’s all I can think about. All I can focus on is how crushing everything is and I hate it and I need to get it out but I can’t put it all into words and I don’t want to burden you with it all.”

“Luke, you’re my boyfriend. If there’s anyone you should be able to talk to, it’s me. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Exactly. You’re my boyfriend. It’s not your job to take care of me,” Luke says. Calum thinks he means for it to sound mean, but instead Luke just sounds teary as he wipes at his eyes. Calum tugs on Luke’s hand until Luke stands up, coming over to collapse into Calum’s lap. He curls up there, reminding Calum of when Luke was smaller and younger and used to sit on all of them. He’s doing it now, curling up to tuck his head under Calum’s chin as he sniffles. Calum strokes his hair lightly, pressing a kiss to his head.

“It’s not my job, but I want to. I want to help you. I care about you and how you’re feeling. I wish you had told me about all of this. We could have talked about it. I don’t want you to feel alone. We’re in this together,” Calum says. Luke lets out a huff and buries his face into Calum’s chest.

“I don’t want to burden you.” 

“Your mental health is not a burden. Caring about you is not a burden. I love you and I want to be there,” Calum says. Luke makes a soft sound, tilting his head back to look at Calum. 

“Promise?” 

“I promise. I want you to feel comfortable talking about yourself and what you’re feeling. I can’t help you from getting too close to the edge if you don’t tell me.” 

Luke presses his head back into Calum’s chest, humming lightly. Calum threads his fingers back into Luke’s hair. He hums slowly, letting Luke’s humming fade out and holding him close. Eventually, Luke's breathing starts to even out, eyelids drooping slightly. Calum nudges Luke slightly, jostling him awake. 

“Come on. Let’s go back to bed okay. Might feel better,” Calum says. Luke hums, allowing Calum to nudge him out of his lap. Calum holds onto Luke’s hand, guiding him back into the house and upstairs to the bedroom. Calum pulls the comforter back, nudging Luke till he crawls under the covers. Calum crawls in next to Luke, pulling Luke to his chest and letting Luke snuggle in. 

“I love you. Thank you for always being there.”