#emmiewrites

Summary:

If Derek was being honest with himself, he didn’t really wanna die.

or

What Derek was thinking before he died

seeping into the flesh-veiling of my eyelids.

Black infinities ghost over my head

And,

I make love in grey.

Summary:

Avery and Derek go to the skatepark.

Or

Avery gets a sprain and Derek is very fussy.

- This Was Partially Inspired By A Youtube Short

This was inspired by a YT Short I watched like months ago. I would link it but I can't find it anymore :( It was explaining a thought experiment that I'll try to explain.

Let's say there's a girl, who knows everything there is to know about chocolate. She understands its history, all the intricacies of making it, its chemical composition, what every possible flavor of chocolate would taste like---but she has never actually eaten it. She knows what chocolate would taste like, she can describe it in great detail with perfect accuracy. But, she's never actually tasted it.

If she were to eat chocolate for the first time, would she be learning anything new?

I like to think she would.

There are plenty of things I know logistically/factually, but actually experiencing it is something else entirely. Before I go on a theme park ride, I know that my stomach will be in knots the entire time I ride it---but it's still different than actually experiencing. I can brace my heart for what my mind knows, but it will never stop me from feeling.

- I like to separate the idea of knowing, Knowing, and experiencing.

I love the angst between knowing and Knowing. While we all know things, Derek Knew things. With knowing, there is always some level of uncertainty. Even some of the most basic scientific principles exist in theory, because we can never be quite sure of them. ( I think... Don't quote me on that. I'm not a scientist lol)

But with Derek's Knowing, that uncertainty disappears. He Knows things with a terrifying certainty---Knows what isn't true and what is, what does exist and what doesn't. And I think that something about Knowing with a certainty makes those things all the more painfully tangible---painfully real. Like something you can almost grasp in your hand. Knowing something so well and with such certainty that it almost feels like you're experiencing it----key word being almost. Because, Derek never got to experience it.

- Derek and Avery are neighbors in this fic

I wanted to imply Avery and Derek are neighbors in this one---their apartments are right next to each other. For extra angst.

("A distance between them held by screens and a wall.")

- While it is an open ending, I do like to think Derek gets medical help and survives :)

It was initially going to be more canon compliant with Derek dying at the end, but he wanted to live so much that it made me want to give him a chance

(I basically saw my character writhing around on the floor in pain, begging for his life---and I decided that I couldn't bring myself to let him die there. At least not in a confirmed way. I am not such a cruel god (author) as to not answer his prayers. )

In the line "he knew that there was no chance of him surviving this"---I specifically chose to describe it as "knowing" instead of "Knowing", because I do like to think there was a chance of him surviving. But it was so miniscule that he didn't even really consider it a viable possibility.

- If Derek survives, I like to think he survives both because the 911 operator manages to trace his call and because Avery manages to get to him.