#embracethepast

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We all have a darkness that follows us. Some manage to find a light so bright the darkness disappears. Sometimes that light just isn't strong enough and gives out.

Trying to keep that darkness from becoming overwhelming has been a long uphill battle for me. It's the cause to all my frustrating incapacities, that have piled up throughout the years, that weren't before. The reason I fear talking about my feelings, the reason I don't trust anybody but myself, the reason to my cynical observance, the reason I don't believe in fairytale, the reason I hate so many things about myself, the reason I have nothing left of my innocence and the reason nothing shocks me anymore.

All this was caused by one single person that is of insignificance to so many, as it should. One single thing to break a person so bad, that it changes her completely.

That person was my first to many things as he was my last to everything mentioned above. The last person I could openly talk to about anything, the last person I trusted, the last person I could feel safe with, the last I thought I had a fairytale ending with, the last to make me feel great about myself, the last to have witnessed signs of my innocence and the last to have shocked me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote this a while ago. I’m posting it now because I don’t care anymore. I still am cynical, I’m still terrified to extract anything from within my heart, I’m still incapable of a lot of things I used to be capable of. That’s just how I am and that’s how I may always be. It used to be a struggle for me, but now I see it as a blessing. I am broken and well hell, who isn’t?! The past made me who I am today and I’m okay with it.