a lil thing i wrote for the elipsus prompt (real good stuff those emails, help w/ motivation)
Prompt: dialogue "Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”
Miles looks at me, puzzled with understanding slowly, carefully dawning on him.
I reiterate, "Remember that I came from a world that was on the verge of World War III." Okayyy, deep breaths, "The only reason it wasn't called that is 'cause the atomic bombs weren't used." Yet, if my universe didn't get its existence privileges revoked, they would've been used when somebody finally managed to assassinate Xi Jinping.
He looks at the city below us. The patrols still take quite a bit out of us, even if only 3 hours long, and breaks are needed. We were sitting on the roof of an apartment complex, eating Mama Rio's special of pastelillos. That woman is truly an angel sent to save us from boring patrol sandwiches or smoothies.
The comfy atmosphere of the rustling aluminium foil and small banter about the different fights we went through before meeting was broken by Miles' adorable and respected, yet in this case, troublesome curiosity.
"I mean, come on, you definitely have some regrets from the herohood? I certainly do…" A lilt to his lips and a laid-back expression didn't negate the weight of the question.
How can I say that I sometimes regret taking up the mantle of a hero in my world? It seemed like an obvious choice then; it still feels like one, yet… My experience and what followed my decision make it hard to live with. Because on the bad days, it feels like it was my fault that Alchemax decided to rip a tear that frayed my universe into destruction.
Only to get that golden goose of another agent like me.
God damn it, I know this is depression and other mental problems talking. Doesn't mean they don't become real when sleep comes just that little bit harder and the shadows darken just a little too much for it to be normal. Yet fucking still the self-awareness of my own mental state persists.
Honestly, sometimes I would give so much just to not be aware of how much of a fucked up tangle of cause-and-effect my life is. But I guess that's just another thing I should try and solve.
Miles is still quiet, can't blame the lil' guy for that, but it does start to feel a bit awkward. We could go finish the patroll, yet i don't think it would solve this. There is something left unsaid that could fester into a mess that I would prefer to avoid. "Come on, spill it, whatever you want to ask, I'll still give you an answer. Maybe not a full or good one, but an answer nonetheless." That seem sto do the trick.
Still looking at the city below us, he asks, "You wouldn't say that if it wasn't something that might make me upset. I know that for sure, and I guess the closes would be that… you regret being a hero?" he looks up at me eyess conflicted and a little anxious, "I mean, totally understandable, sometimes it feels like I shouldnt be one, that it was a mistake, but it does seem to weight a lot on ya… And if not that, then… coming here? And staying? Is that it?" And he just looks at me.
Fuck, I have good understanding of emotions and psychology, but that doesn't mean I always know how to apply it.
"OH HELL NAh, I would never regret coming here!" Kay, kay, another deep breath, it worked earlier, "Some info that's probably important to know in this convo, but my world was… frayed, dismantled. If I hadn't come here, I would've just hung around other outcast spideys from the multiverse, or others with Polish heritage, that's always fun…" That sounded good, Yes? Yes.
I meet his gaze, need to make sure my words stick this time, a little bit of anxiety from eye contact ain't gonna stop me. "So yeah, I would never regret coming here, though you hit the nail right on the spot with that regretting-being-a-hero schtick… Can't say that I can always outrun my mental health issues that cause this line of thought."
He nods, still a little tense, but not that much. If it gets worse I'll just have another conversation with him, maybe rope in the Morales elders to make the point stick.
We get up to finish the patrol and seemingly in a blink, it's done and I'm back in the Morales household, making sure Miles didn't get any major injuries.
As I exit to go to my own apartment, I see Miles hugging his mom. Guess something did linger, though it certainly won't survive Mama Rio's and Jefferson's affection.
