#ejwritesbuddie

He lets Buck close the distance between them, lets him settle his big hands on his waist, and he closes his eyes when the younger man kisses him- soft, hesitant and a little desperate. 

For a few seconds, he contemplates just letting it go. Maybe if he doesn't rock the boat, he'll get to keep him. Maybe he wouldn't lose the first person he could see a future with in a long time. He kisses him back, softly, gently, but then he pulls away.

"Wh-what's going on, Tommy?"

He could ignore what he saw tonight. He could ignore what he'd seen two weeks ago, on the double date with Eddie and Marisol, he could ignore all the little signs and tells he'd chosen not to dwell on before.

He could continue to kiss Buck like there's no tomorrow.

But- Tommy was many things, delusional is not one of them.

Tommy placed his hands on Buck's chest, pushed him away gently.  Then-

"We need to talk."

It took all of five minutes for Tommy to realise Evan Buckley had no clue about his own feelings for Eddie.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I don't think I can be in a relationship with you, knowing I'm not your- well, your priority."

Buck huffed in frustration. "What does that even mean, Tommy?"

"Evan, you just cut our date short because Eddie called and asked for help."

"He didn't know I was on a date or he wouldn't have called," he protested.

Tommy stared at him, willing him to realise what he'd just said. All he got in response was a look of indignation; as if Tommy is being unreasonable. 

"Would you have cut a night with Eddie and Christopher short if it had been me calling you for help?"

He hesitated. It was for a split second, but it was enough.

"O-of course I would, Tommy! You know I care about you."

"But will I ever measure up?"

"To who?" Buck is full on angry now, face red and breathing hard. He already knew the answer, but Tommy said it out loud anyway.

"To Eddie."

Buck was already shaking his head. "You don't have to. There's no competition here, Tommy."

"But if there was, he'd win, right?"

Buck reeled back, blinking at him. Tommy nodded and turned, hand on the knob.

"Can we please just talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about, Evan? Look, let's not make this into something it's not. We dated, it didn't work out. It's that simple."

Buck's shoulders slumped, and Tommy actually felt bad for how upset the other man looked. He let go of the door handle and walked closer. "Hey," he held his face in his hands, forcing him to look at him, "no hard feelings."

"I really thought I could make this work, Tommy," he admitted, "I really thought I could-"

"I thought so, too, but- Buck, it's not fair. Not to me, not to you, and not to Eddie."

Tommy saw a flash of fear in Buck's blue eyes, before resignation took its place. "Can't we just try? I promise I'll do better."

Tommy pursed his lips before shaking his head. "I can't be your constellation prize."

Buck let out a shaky breath, lips red and soft-looking. Tempting. So, he took a deep breath and smirked- "last one for the road?"

Buck's confusion lasted only for about five seconds, before it was replaced by a hungry look as he licked his lips and leaned in.

Tommy, selfish bastard that he is, took his time. He kissed him; long and hard and deep, then he kissed him again-

"Call me, if things ever change."

Then he forced himself to walk away.

He didn't stop seeing Buck.

No, on the contrary, he was suddenly everywhere.

On calls.

In the gym Tommy went to.

In their fire department events.

It didn't exactly hurt to see him, but he can't say it's exactly fun.

He bumped into Eddie at a bar.

The man was alone, obviously doing his best to drown his sorrows, so Tommy made his way over to him, sitting on the stool beside him.

It took Eddie a solid minute to notice him.

He did a double take, unfocused eyes widening at the sight of Tommy being there and grinned widely. His cheeks were flushed, eyes crinkling at the corners.

He was beautiful like this, and in that moment, Tommy understood Buck all too well.

"Tommy!" Eddie exclaimed,  beer sloshing in his bottle as he leaned forward to clumsily wrap an arm around his shoulders. "Haven't seen you in a while."

Tommy snorted. I wonder why, he thought  looking at him pointedly.

Eddie didn't notice. "I guess Buck got me in the divorce?"

Tommy almost choked on his drink. He spluttered,  staring at the man who acted as if he hadn't said a thing. "He told you, huh?" He choked out.

Eddie shrugged. "Like pulling teeth, but I got it out of him."

"Is that why you're here?"

Eddie seemed confused. Shaking his head, he slumped against the bar. "I'm here because Marisol broke up with me."

Tommy winced. "Why?"

"Apparently,  I'm too closed off," he muttered bitterly.  "The hell does that even mean?"

"I don't know, man."

Eddie's not done. "It's not like opening up to strangers about my "trauma" is that easy. We've only been dating a couple of months, what did she expect, a full on debrief of every little thing that has happened to me?"

Tommy shook his head. "Of course not-"

"And what the hell is their problem with Buck?!" He exclaimed.

Tommy felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. He could already tell where this was headed.

"So what if I consult him about things concerning Christopher? So what if he's Christopher's emergency contact- he's mine too! And, yes, he cooks for us and sometimes he spends the night when we stay up too late watching a movie, but don't friends do that?"

"Not any of mine," Tommy muttered.

Eddie looked offended. 

"Look, man, I gotta be honest with you, you and Buck- what you guys have goes way beyond friendship. It's not necessarily the things you mentioned but it's all cumulative, you know?"

He seemed adorably confused so Tommy took pity on him. "Let me put it this way; in the future, if you meet someone you love and you marry them and you're happy with them- would you ever change your will so that they'd become Christopher's legal guardian instead of Buck? Would you ever put them as his emergency contact?"

"No." The answer is immediate. No hesitation. He didn't even have to think about it.

Tommy nodded. "Then maybe you need to think about why that is."

The invite to Bobby and Athena's for a barbecue was a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. He didn't think he would ever be considered family the way the 118 were, but he figured if anything  at least he would have more people in his life he could call friends.

It also meant seeing Buck again, which was also a plus. He knew where they stood, but that didn't mean they couldn't have some fun, provided they're both single and willing.

He's greeted at the door by Athena and Bobby, then by everyone else once he made it out onto the backyard. Chim and Maddie were playing with their daughter, Athena and Bobby standing over by the grill, Hen and Karen were talking in hushed tones, eyes only for each other and then- then there was Buck, Eddie and Christopher. The two men were standing shoulder to shoulder, looking down at the boy like he was the most precious thing in their world. Buck said something that made Christopher laugh, and when Eddie looked at him, he looked so unbelievably besotted by him that it made Tommy ache with want.

Seeing them like this almost made him want to retreat back into the safety of his small apartment, because it's glaringly obviously that Tommy stuck out like a sore thumb.

"Tommy!"

Buck came bounding over, hesitating only briefly before he wrapped his arms around Tommy in a short hug. Eddie materialised at his  back only a few seconds later. "Hey, Ev- Buck, how's it going?"

"Good, good. You?"

Tommy just shrugged, looking down.

That was when he noticed it.

They were holding hands.

His head snapped back up. "Are you two-?"

Buck grinned, nodding.

Tommy smiled back, completely happy, but also a little sad. "Good for you."

Eddie looked over to Buck, smiling softly. "It took us a while, and the paperwork was a bitch, but- it all worked out in the end."

"I'm glad it did. I'm happy for you both."

"It was thanks to you, you know," Buck blurted out.

"Yeah," Eddie agreed, "I mean, I'd like to think we would've eventually gotten our heads out of our asses, but- you helped speed up the process."

"By a lot," Buck enthused.

Tommy chuckled, ducking his head. "Glad I could help."

Buck was about to say something but stopped when he spotted something over Tommy's shoulder that had him grinning ear to ear.

"Josh," he called out, "perfect timing." Then he bounded over, leaving him with Eddie.

Eddie, who was avoiding his gaze at all cost.

"What's going on, Eddie?"

"I had nothing to do with it," he blurted out  holding his hands up.

"Nothing to do with what?"

"Tommy!" Buck called out as he came bounding over, all but dragging another man behind him. "Tommy, meet Josh, he works at dispatch. Josh, this is Tommy, he's a firefighter."

The other man looked ready to murder Buck, but once he turned to look at Tommy, he was all smiles. Tommy felt a flutter of something as he shook Josh's hand with a smile of his own.

Buck, as subtle as a freight train, grabbed Eddie and dragged him away, calling over his shoulder: "you two talk, we'll be over- there."

"Well, he's subtle," Josh commented, and Tommy laughed.

"So, dispatch, huh..."

.

Two weeks later, Buck asks him if he's willing to go on a double date.

This one goes a lot better than the last one.

-

Then

-

"Can you please get it over with?"

Eddie clenched his jaw, but didn’t spare him a glance as he kept looking ahead. His hands were tight on the steering wheel. Buck closed his eyes, let his head rest back against the headrest and winced. He was dizzy, his wrist ached, he had a blinding headache and he really needed his bed. Having an argument right now was at the very bottom of the list of things Buck needed right now, but Eddie giving him the silent treatment was somehow worse.

"Eddie-"

"Not now, Buck," he cut him off, harsh and incredibly cold.

"Fine," he sighed.

"Fine," Eddie bit out.

-

After his fifth failed attempt to unlock the door, Eddie wordlessly pushed him aside and unlocked the door. He used his own key, and Buck couldn't stop staring at it, and at Eddie's hand, his long fingers. He shook his head, winced at the pain that shot up through his skull, nearly blinding him, and held onto the wall for support.

When he thought he could open his eyes without throwing up, he found Eddie watching him, thinly masked concern written all over his expression. It cleared when he saw Buck looking, and the anger was back. He went further inside the apartment, leaving Buck to trail after him, and got himself a glass of water.

Buck sighed. He didn't think drinking water could be aggressive, but Eddie proved him wrong.

"Eddie."

More aggressive chugging.

"Eddie."

"What?!" he snapped.

Buck felt his hackles rising. "What's going on?"

Both of them were breathing heavily now. Eddie was quiet for a few seconds, then- "are you gonna keep doing this?"

Buck could act like he didn't know exactly what Eddie meant, but he didn't have the patience. "Keep doing my job, you mean? Yeah, Eddie, I do."

"Your job? You- you could’ve gotten out earlier, you could have avoided having a fucking building fall on you."

Buck's anger was a real, living thing inside of him now. "You'd have done the same, Eddie. Hell, you have. It's our job to put our lives at risk."

Eddie shook his head. "No, it's not. Not like that, not like today."

They were standing face to face now, both angry and afraid. There was something electric in the way Eddie was looking at him, like something had shifted. "When you cut your line, three years ago, did I hold it against you? Did I ever bring it up? You risked your life then, just like I did today."

"That was different," Eddie told him, the words escaping through gritted teeth.

"No, it wasn't, and you know it."

They stared at each other, anger slowly seeping out. Buck took a minute to look at his best friend, and he found that now, all that remained in the other man's eyes was fear. "Eddie-" he started, cautious and quiet.

"I'm sorry," Eddie said, just as quiet, "you're right." He looked away, scrubbing a hand down his face. "You scared the hell out of me today, Buck."

"I get that, but you've never- you've never been this angry about it before, so- what gives?"

Eddie looked at him in a way that made Buck think he missed something. Eddie took a step back, hands in his pocket. "I'm gonna take off, do you need anything?"

Buck blinked, startled at the abrupt change. "I thought you were going to stay."

"Change of plans," he told him, looking down at his phone, "Bobby can come keep you company. I'm pretty sure he wanted to come anyway-"

"You always stay," he didn't mean for it to, but the words sounded small and a little betrayed.

Eddie's fingers faltered, and he looked up before he could send the message. "Buck, I can't-"

"You can," he insisted, "why won't you just talk to me?"

He tried to move around him, but Buck refused to let him. "Buck, not now."

He didn’t budge. "This isn't the first time I've done something reckless, and it's not even the worst, so why are you acting like this?" He asked him, throwing the hand that's not in a sling in the air.

"I don't fucking want to lose you, okay?!" Eddie burst out, face red and fists clenched. "You died three months ago. Right in front of me, and I couldn't do a thing about it. Before, there was always this part of me that was used to it- you get hurt, but eventually, you're okay. But now- now all I can think about whenever you do something stupid is those three minutes and seventeen seconds you were dead."

Buck softened, and his eyes filled with tears. "But, I'm okay. I'm alive, I'm breathing."

"Maybe you are but- I'm not, Buck. I'm holding my breath, because all I can think about is the time your luck will run out, and it's fucking inconvenient."

Buck's too stunned to speak, but he tries anyway. "I don't- I don't know what to say. Eds, I'm sorry that it scares you," Eddie flinched at this, but Buck went on, "but this is me. This is how I've always been."

"I know," Eddie told him, "this is on me. It's my problem, Buck."

"Tell me how to fix it."

"You can't," he told him, "and you don't have to, because it's not on you."

"Eds-"

He took a step back. "It doesn't matter. I gotta go," he said under his breath as he hurriedly gathered his jacket and ignored Buck calling his name.

"What? No, you can't- Eddie, wait."

Buck, all pain forgotten, raced after him. He grabbed his arm just before Eddie managed to make his escape. It's awkward with only one working arm, but Buck yanked him away from the door, and then backed him into it, trapping him between his body and the door. They're closer than he'd intended for them to be, but Buck couldn't bring himself to move away. He and Eddie are both breathing hard at this point, and with each second that passed, Eddie seemed more tense than before. 

He lifted up a shaking hand and cradled Eddie's cheek gently. The other man wasn't really looking at Buck, but a gentle nudge had him looking up and into his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Eddie just shook his head.

That's when Buck noticed it- Eddie was holding his breath. For a second, he felt helpless, but then he swayed closer, and let his forehead rest on Eddie's.

It released some of the tension, had Eddie's shoulders slumping, but not enough. It took a minute, but Eddie finally looked him in the eye, and Buck's breath caught in his eyes.

Eddie's expression was complicated, and though at first it may have seemed blank, it didn't take long for Buck to figure out that it was merely a mask. He took a step closer, his lips only a hair away from Eddie's. He saw a flicker in Eddie's eyes. It was more than concern, more than anger, more than the guarded love Buck had become accustomed to. Eddie's eyes moved down to his lips, then back up, and oh. There was that look again.

Loving.

Desperate.

Hungry.

So Buck made the biggest gamble of his life.

He presses his lips to Eddie's in a short kiss that knocked the air out of his lungs and set him on fire. He pulled away slowly, needing to breathe and to assure himself that he hadn't made the biggest mistake of his life.

When he could bring himself to open his eyes, he looked at Eddie, who was frozen, eyes wide as he stared at Buck. Suddenly, all the warmth he'd felt earlier seeped right out of him and was replaced by horror. He stumbled back a step. "Eddie, I'm sorry-"

Eddie didn't let him finish. He lunged towards him, fusing their lips in a messy, uncoordinated kiss, more desperate than anything else, and framed his face with two gentle hands. It's possibly the best kiss Buck ever had.

They stumbled back into the living room, and over to where his lone arm chair sat. Eddie pulled back from him and looked at the space where his couch, the one he'd picked out with Natalia, used to be.

When Eddie's eyes found his, Buck shrugged. "It wasn't the right couch."

Eddie laughed, low and quiet, then pulled him back in. His  hands roamed his back, restless, and Buck lost time as they traded kisses. He didn't know if they kisses for seconds or minutes, or hours. All he knew was that Eddie's lips were on his, his hands were everywhere, and Buck just wanted more.

So, he stepped backwards, and Eddie followed, lips now migrating towards his neck, his collarbone,  the sensitive skin just below his ear. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly, clumsily and with one hand. Eddie was no help at all as his lips trailed off to bite and suck at Buck's neck. Buck gasped and when he couldn't take it anymore, his hand abandoned its mission to rid Eddie of his shirt, and found its way into his hair. He tugged just hard enough for him to pull back. The look Eddie gave him set him on fire. Buck brought their lips back together, and this kiss left them both gasping for air by the time they pulled back.

"Bed?" Eddie asks breathlessly, and Buck felt a thrill at the words. He grinned, boyish and happy, and Eddie's eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled too.

"Yeah," he said, voice hoarse. Eddie's eyes, if possible, grow darker, and he pulled Buck back in and into another searing kiss.

Buck managed to get Eddie's shirt off, though it took a lot more time than it should've. He had considered just ripping the thing apart, but that would require the use of two hands. Not to mention this was Eddie's favorite shirt.

They somehow managed to make their way up the stairs without falling, which was a miracle considering the fact that Eddie's hands had made their way under Buck's shirt, touch searing and leaving Buck needing more, more, more.

Eddie pushed him to sit on the edge of the mattress, and knelt by the bed. Buck tugged on the collar of his shirt to bring their lips back together, but he just turned his head to kiss Buck's hand as the two of his gently started to undo the sling. Once it was gone, Eddie tenderly held Buck's wrist up to his lips and placed a kiss there, not caring about the bandage covering it. This gesture, more than anything, made Buck's hart sing.

The atmosphere 6changes after that. The tension was still there, so was the desire, but where it was sharper and more frantic, now it was gentle, more patient. Eddie gently urged him to move back and then climbed into his lap. When they kissed this time, it was slow and needy and passionate. Eddie rested his head in the hollow of his throat and took a breath. "Tell me we're not making a mistake," Eddie pleaded with him, hands clutched in the back of Buck's shirt.

Buck coaxed him out of his hiding spot. Their eyes met, Buck's fear and desire and joy reflected back at him. "Does it feel like a mistake to you?"

Eddie closed his eyes. "No," he whispered. When his eyes opened, the doubt was gone completely and he pressed a kiss to Buck's lips. He was gentle when he pulled his shirt over his head and when he pushed Buck to lay down, his movements  impossibly careful. Buck didn't resist. When Eddie dragged the second pillow and stuffed it under his injured wrist, ordering him to not move it, Buck had to laugh gently.

Eddie reeled back, brows furrowed. "What?"

Buck shook his head with a smile, never taking his eyes off him. "Just- I like it when you're bossy."

Eddie smirked, and Buck could tell he was pleased when his eyes darkened at Buck's words. "Oh yeah?" he whisperd the wonrds into Buck's skin,  his forearms bracketing Buck's head.

Buck couldn't take it anymore, so he yanked him down until his body was more or less covering his. Eddie nearly fell off the bed in his effort to keep from putting any pressure on Buck's injured shoulder and wrist.

Laughter bubbled up, spilling out from his lips into the small space between them. Eddie attempts to kiss him, but ultimately failed because they were both laughing too hard.

Once their laughter died down, Eddie pulled himself up, then settled back on Buck's thighs, with his knees on either side of his hips. He leaned down, and Buck watched his every move, biting back a groan when Eddie's lips pressed to his chest, right under his ribcage, then moved down, and down. Eddie's fingers followed the path of his lips down his chest, his touch light enough that it had Buck squirming. His breath on Buck's overheated skin was too much and when he couldn't take it anymore, he grabbed Eddie's chin and drags him up. "You're a tease," he panted into his mouth.

Eddie smirked, opened his mouth to say something, but Buck kissed him quickly before he could.

Eddie quirks an eyebrow. "I'm not allowed to smile now?"

"Not without telling me why you're smiling like that, you're not."

He shakes his head. "Just- I can see it. You being a teacher."

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," he nodded, "you're good with kids, you're patient, you're kind," Eddie realizes when Buck blushes that he may have gone overboard, so he overcorrects, "-and you're practically a kid yourself, so you must've fit right in."

Buck huffs, rolls his eyes. Then, he sobers up and clears his throat. "Daniel was alive," he tells him, "and he was a doctor.” He sounds devastated, but in a hushed type of way that feels somehow different than before. Buck may not talk about his brother much, or at all really, considering the fact that he hadn't gotten to know him, but whenever Buck did talk about him, it was like he was an open wound that refused to mend. Now, it was different, not an open, gaping wound, but a scar, tender and fresh, but healed.

"Buck-"

He doesn't seem to hear him, though, because he continues. "Maddie was still with Doug, and she was- not okay. Chimney- he didn't know Maddie. Jee wasn't there anymore. Hen was pretty much the same, though."

Eddie's quiet for a minute, then, "and me?" He asks, curious, "where am I?"

"I don't know," he confesses. Buck shudders, closes his eyes like it pains him, and Eddie scoots his chair closer, grabs the free hand that's not stroking Christopher's back.

"Hey, where'd you go?"

"You weren't there," Buck tells him, "you- you lost Christopher."

He freezes, body tense and ice cold, as he processes the words and puts it together. "Because you weren't there," he says softly, awed.

Buck laughs it off, "I was just making everything about myself, again."

"No," he tells him, "no, you- when I came to LA, Buck, I had no idea how hard being on my own would be. I was drowning, and you- you helped. More than you'll ever know."

"Eddie, I just introduced you to Carla, you did the rest all on your own."

Eddie's shaking his head before Buck can finish talking. "You were there constantly, whenever I needed you. You were my rock, and you still are. So, trust me when I tell you, I wouldn't have survived, let alone gotten to a place where I'm actually okay, without you."

Buck's eyes are rimmed red at this point, and Eddie's must be too, because he feels the itch of tears burn his eyes.

"You're giving me too much credit," he laughs wetly, sniffling.

Eddie smiles. "I don't think you’re giving yourself enough." He squeezes his hand again- only then realizing he's been holding it the entire time. "I don't say it enough, but thank you for everything, Buck."

He opens his mouth to say something, probably a denial, but then he just- nods, accepts it.

There's a knock on the door frame, and Buck's doctor pokes her head in. "Visiting hours are over, I'm afraid."

Eddie nods at her, and pulls himself up. Waking Christopher takes a good minute, and Buck just looks at them instead of offering any help. Christopher eventually opens his eyes, then climbs down, but not before hugging Buck tightly. "I'm glad you're okay now."

"Thank you, bud."

Eddie hesitates for a moment before he throws caution to the wind and leans down, pressing his lips to Buck's hair and lingering there for a few seconds, just breathing him in. "Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah?" Cautious, hopeful, afraid.

"I'm glad you picked us."

Buck looks up at him, and Eddie tries not to let all the love and fondness he feels for him show, and most likely fails.