#eighth entry

Dear diary,

Since I can't fall asleep because of my horrible and painful thoughts I'll just continue writing about my day.

After the whole camera thing I've realized something.

I've talked about that in the groupchat where Naomi, Samurai and I are in. So.

I wake up and go to sleep again from 10-15. I eventually leave the bed at 15:30 or something like that. And. When I go to sleep, I sometimes dream that I'm actually not sleeping and continue chatting with Samurai and Naomi. And the dream was so realistic that it almost convinced my brain that it's an actual memory. But as I checked the messages in the group chat, the one I've written in my dream didn't exist. So I thought.

What if I had a realistic dream once and it succeeded on convincing my mind that it actually happened to me. So I remember it as a memory but not a dream. Could this explain those moments where you go like "Heyyyy man remember that stuff that happened in the past (but was actually a realistic dream)" the other dude "Bruh tf u talkin bout. That never happened."

Man. That is. Really trippy.

Bill Nye should hire me.

Anyways. The next eventful thing was, that I remembered watching this horse movie as a child. (It's called Spirit :continuation of the title which I can't remember) And I remember it having real fucking good soundtracks. So I looked them up on YouTube and boiiiiiii the nostalgia hit me right in the heart. After like. 12 years I still know how to hum every single song.

HERE I AM. THIS IS ME. BLABLABLABLABLAAAAAA BLABLABLABLABLAAA

Oh man. Childhood was the best.

After that, I've chatted with my friendos, read Percy Jackson and cried like a little bitch over my ex best friend and remembered all the other bad stuff so I was a sobbing mess. Funnnnnnnnnnnnn

9:21am

I wish someone cared. I know it’s wrong to want attention. I just need someone to care about me - wish me better. But there isn’t anyone - not even the people I love the most. I bet they wouldn’t care if I died. Sure, they’d be upset - deaths sad. But Mum has Jade & Max. I have no friends that’ll care much. Only friends I have are Mel, Emily, Kat and Marcie. Emily wouldn’t care. Mel would cause she’s nice but we aren’t that close. Kat has Marcie. And Marcie...I wonder what her reaction will be? Glad? Sad? Angry? Relieved she doesn’t have me clinging to her anymore? Oh god now I’m getting all teary.

Just came back from a breath of fresh air. I don’t want to start crying in the middle of Art. If I did, Marcie would probably just think I’m attention whoring. Am I an attention whore? I do wish someone, anyone, would notice my scars; my feelings. I need a hug. I need someone to stop me because I can’t seem to do anything by myself.

I want to be better. But, as twisted as this is, I think I’m addicted to my sadness. I guess it’s the only thing that understands haha.

Every day it’s the same. Feeling this way. I’ve become good at faking it though. I’m the happiest in the group. I wonder if I will ever do it. Get the courage, or just wait until I lose all feelings altogether - having nothing left but this growing hole in my heart. I know, I’ve heard all the arguenents before blah blah things will get better, suicide isn’t the answer, but the words just don’t register yknow. Things get better? no they don’t. You just learn to cope!!!! The worlds a horrible no matter what happens. You can turn as many lights on as you want but that will only create more shadows (future added note: I bet I thought I was realll clever with this)

ARGH DAMMNITT!!!!!!!!

I want to cry. My eyes are watering. I can’t keep them back any longer. Please someone just care.

1:00pm

I got in contact with Logan, and he doesn’t seem to believe me, but he’s still willing to help me find out what happened to my sister.

We went back to the monastery to question Tervelan.  He was surprised to see me still alive, confirming my suspicions.  Again, he insulted Logan.

As soon as Tervelan got defensive, Logan placed Tervelan under arrest…

…then the coward called his lackeys and attack dogs on us.  Seraph attacking Seraph.

He cowered in the back while his two little sidekicks Gordon and Reginald attacked us.  Logan and I made some pretty quick work of them.  As soon as I went for Thackeray, the little bitch ran while I chased him with my rifle.  Somehow my shots kept missing.

After we pretty much cleared the entire monastery of these traitors, we finally had Tervelan cornered.  As soon as he felt my sword through his chainmail, he surrendered.  He admitted that, yes, he did in fact sell Deb and the rest of the Falcons out for his own benefit, and that he was paid my Minister Arton, one of Queen Jennah’s top advisors..  Logan placed the bastard under arrest.

We returned to the queen’s palace.  As soon as we showed Her Majesty the evidence, Arton denied any involvement, and even allowed himself to be placed under house arrest to prove his innocence.  

I’m convinced that Arton isn’t guilty if he’s so willing to let the Shining Blades search him.  I think he’s being framed.

I got info from a guy named Sergeant Hal, who was a messenger for Tervelan before finding out everything.  He directed me to Black haven to talk to Dansky, a former Falcon who joined the Lionguard.

I went to Black Haven.  Well, my timing couldn’t be better.  They’re being attacked by bandits with cannons.  Oh well.  Time to do what I do best and bash them with my longsword until they go away.  A bit of shooting here and there doesn’t hurt either.

I then talked to Dansky.  She seemed pretty guilty about the whole situation with Tervelan, and knew he had something up his sleeve.  She marked a bandit camp in the Kessex Hills on my map.  

I reached the camp, and Logan was just outside.  I told him everything: Arton’s innocent, and some of the Falcons could still be alive.  We raided the cave together.  They were lead by a guy named Smilin’ Saemus, who wasn’t hard to kill either.

We opened their cells.  

What?  No, it can’t be.

Looks like Dwayna’s smiling on me today.  It’s Deborah.  

“L…Lucan?  Am I dreaming?  Is that…  Grenth torment me, is it really you?”

Those were the first words she said to me as soon as she saw me.  As soon as Logan approached her, she stood up straight like a real soldier and saluted him.  

Now there’s the Deb I know and love.  I couldn’t be a more proud brother.  

A strange thing to note is that there was also another guy in the cage.  He found his sister, also named Deborah, in the cell with my own sister.  She was also a Falcon, but she looked different.  And earlier, I ran into another girl who was looking for HER sister in the Falcons.  By the Six, do the Falcons all just have sibling looking to rescue them?  How many of them are named Deborah?  Never mind.  I’m reunited with my sister, better not ruin the moment.

What’s this?  She called me a hero.  I guess I’m not just her little brother anymore.  That’s nice.  Logan and I took Deb and all the former Falcons back to Divinity’s Reach.  The whole way back, I told Deb about all of my adventures since leaving Divinity’s Reach.

Oh, what’s this?  Looks like I got the attention of her squad mate, this cute Ascalonian girl.  She seemed pretty impressed seeing me in this nice armor.  I’ll keep her in mind.  Debs whispered something to me about hooking me up.  Now, the idea of my sister setting me up with a girl is a little weird, but I can handle it.

I took Deb back home to our family home.  One can only imagine the tears of joy as our mother saw her walk in.  Even my father shed a few tears.

Well, we finally got our closure, and Deb’s alive again.  Mom and dad asked me to stay for a bit, and I did for a couple of days, but I told them that my adventure wasn’t over yet.

Of course, my mom pleaded for a bit for me to just stay with her, and that she didn’t want to lose me as well, but my dad insisted that I do my own thing and find myself.  

“Don’t worry, mom,” I told her.  “Someday, my grandkids will read about me in the history books.  I’ll visit when I can.”

I put my armor back on, strapped my longsword and rifle to my back, and walked out.

What now?

I hear of the Sylvari lands to the South.  The Sylvari came into existence only about maybe 2-3 years before I was born, they’re a very young race that not a lot of people are familiar with.  Maybe I’ll go check it out and see what’s over there.  In my adventures around Queensdale and the Kessex Hills, I’ve seen a few Sylvari around.  I think I’ll go exploring.

I’ll come back to Divinity’s Reach later when we get more info on the traitor.  But for now, it’s off to the Sylvari lands…

==> England: Be someone else.

Paris, France 11:30 p.m. CEST

“‘ow the lights gleam at night. Like sweet fireflies blessing ze tranquil features of Paris.” The figure took a slight sip at his wine glass before lowering it and pushing back his hair. “But I won’t be able to for long… All because of zat game of America’s…” The figure sighed and took one last glance at the scenery. “I will be back. I promise.”

The figure placed his wine glass on his table and strutted into his living room. His actions were smooth and fluid, as if he was dancing. He sat down on his couch, picked up the envelope from the coffee table, leaned back, and crossed his legs. The man seemed like the epiphany of sophistication. Across the front of the envelope, a name was written.

"To moi," he commented. “‘Francis Bonnefoy.’"

His official name, THE REPUBLIC OF FRANCE, was only used for formal occasions. He preferred being called BIG BROTHER FRANCE, the big brother of Europe! But regular FRANCE worked as well. His chumhandle, gorgeousAmant, not only showed his EXPERIENCE WITH LOVE but also his love of everything beautiful and everyone he has met (except for that fashion reject). He tends to speak in ze language of amour and speaks in a flirtatious but meaningful manner (except to the monton noir l’Europe). He has a strange interest in STRIKING but is fantastic in FINE CUISINE and FASHION DESIGN. Many describe him as very "TOUCHY" but he would always reply that he "DOES NOT FORCE LOVE ONTO OTHERS."*

Back to the present, France opened the flap of the envelope and pulled out the CLIENT DISK and the SERVER DISK. France looked at it with confusion.

"What am I supposed to do with zis…?" He didn’t have a lot of experience with computers nor American video games let alone intergalactic games. France sighed.

A knock came from behind him. He turned his head to see a man with glasses standing at the doorway. “Ah,” France said with a smile. “I apologize if I ‘ave not been a good ‘ost, Canada.”

His former colony smiled softly. “Don’t worry about it, France. I’m just glad I could get some downtime from my boss.”

France gave a small laugh. “Is zat so? Zen we must ask ‘im to give you more time. After all, Big Brother France loves ‘aving company.” He patted the seat next to him and Canada obliged, sitting down. The country looked at the disks.

"Are those for the project?"

A sigh. “Oui. But ze American ‘as not told me what to do. Je suis perdu.**”

Canada turned to France, his face bright. “I-I can help! America told me a lot about this when he was creating the game.”

France rested his chin on his hand. “Did he rant about it to you and not let you get a word in edgewise?” He gave a brotherly laugh when Canada nodded bashfully.

"Y-Yeah. He usually likes telling me about that kind of stuff and I really do like listening." France patted Canada’s shoulder.

"Ne vous inquiétez pas, mon amie.*** Both you and America are very young still. One day you will both get along. I can tell." He took a deep breath and gave a contented sigh. "Alright! So, what will we ‘ave to do first?"

Canada scratched his head, thinking a bit. “First, you have to set up a fetch modus. This will help you get objects in your sylladex. You can carry as many items in your sylladex as it allows.” He pulled out his own FETCH MODUS CARD, a blue card. “My fetch modus was based off the card game Memory. I need to match two cards with the object I want on them and from there I can get mine.” Canada put his FETCH MODUS CARD back.

France nodded. “I zink I understand… That card looked familiar…” The Frenchman rubbed his stubbled chin a bit before getting up and leaving the room. He returned with a gray FETCH MODUS CARD. Still standing, Francis flipped it over and noticed a switch on the back. “I just turn zis on?” Without a second thought, Francis slid the switch. The FETCH MODUS suddenly wrapped itself in chains and went into the SYLLADEX.

Surprised at the sudden movement, Francis stumbled backwards. “Was it supposed to do that?”

Canada shook his head. “I-It didn’t do that for me. Maybe because these are different fetch modi? Try putting something in.” Francis shrugged and picked up the SERVER DISK and the CLIENT DISK. They wrapped in chains and went into his sylladex. “Alright, try to take them out again.”

After a few moments of silence, Francis looked to Canada with confusion in his eyes. “I-I don’t know ‘ow to get zem out!”

Canada rose, looking extremely flustered. “Don’t worry! I-I’ll contact America or Tony and we can fix this! In the mean time, t-try to equip a strife specibus. They should all work the same. Just get a weapon and place it inside a specibus card.” Before France could say anything, Canada had gone off to the guest room. Most likely to get some more information from his brother.

France sighed. This was turning out to be an unpleasant experience already. He walked out of his living room in the opposite direction to his bedroom down the hall. The Frenchman opened the door and entered. The wallpaper was an elegant shade of red and the Queen-sized bed had a canopy over it. There was a wardrobe to his right and a cabinet next to it. France walk- well, strutted to his cabinet and opened a drawer.

He scratched his head and took out an empty STRIFE CARD. “I believe zis is what Canada is talking about…” France sighed. “Zis is very difficult… I zink he told me to put a weapon in it.” Taking a moment to consider, he walked over to his bed and leant underneath. He pulled out a REVOLUTIONARY RIFLE. “Zis will suffice.”

The STRIFE CARD accepted the FRENCH MUSKET, locking France’s STRIFE SPECIBUS as RIFLEKIND****. He rubbed his temple. “All zis terminology… Only America would use words like zis…”

The STRIFE CARD was put into the SYLLADEX. It didn’t get chained up. Curious, France held his hand out. He pulled out the STRIFE CARD. “Success! I can pull it out!” He placed it back into his SYLLADEX. “Alright, how about the other items…”

After a few moments, he let out an annoyed groan. “I can’t take out the items with chains on zem…” France shook his head. “Maybe Canada has had more luck.”

He was about to exit his room when he heard a buzzing sound. Stopping, he looked around the room when it let off again. France equipped his RIFLEKIND out of surprise and held it at the wardrobe. “W-What was zat?” It took him a little while to realize that it was probably some of the many electronic devices he had stuffed in there.

He unequipped his RIFLEKIND and walked over to the wardrobe. France opened the door to find his laptop alerting under a pile of other electronic devices.

Pulling out his LAPTOP, France accidentally placed it in his SYLLADEX but it did not chain up. “Looks like I can still use zis…” Closing the doors, France went to his bed and opened his LAPTOP.

((*LET ME GET THIS CLEAR. HE IS NOT A RAPIST. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ANYTHING AGAINST THIS. **I am lost. ***Don’t worry, my friend. **** I'm just classifying it as such,))

               When I was younger, I used to have an odd mix of avoidant and anxious-ambivalent attachment style. Because I grew up with an inferiority complex, low feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and learned helplessness in many things, I came to strongly desire proof of my being worthy to be loved but at the same time believe that I do not deserve it. It was really confusing and frustrating. In fact it came to a point that my relationship with my best friend ended up being strained because of my weird attachment style. Who would possibly not be weirded out by someone who demands affection yet acts uncomfortable when given it? Who forbids her friend from making other friends for fear of being replaced and left for “better” friends? Actually the more I clung to friend, the more I pushed her away. It was really a miserable phase for me.