it's a delicious feeling: that feeling where you experience emotional anguish or face an internal struggle where it breaks you down emotionally. you brood about it, ruminate for a while and try to let it pass. even though you haven't found a complete resolution to the issue, time passes to where everything just remains calm, still, and silent in this solacing darkness. it could just be numbness or just that point where you experience apathy. you suddenly convince yourself that things will be fine and you can hopefully get yourself out of this. in my other entry http://drennalyn.diaryland.com/120503_99.html, i mentioned another guy i met in an mmo who disappeared for a while.
well, it turns out he managed to message me one day in the guild forum that i checked. we exchanged emails and caught up with each other. we played a bit of dragon nest together. when guild wars 2 came out, we have been playing that together as well. i joined the guild that he was in. i feel a connection with him. it's hard to describe. it's some sort of emotional empthy for the other person. we can read each other easily.
it's pretty obvious i have this stoic, dark personality about myself that i try to hide and other times express to others at times. he sometimes has that nature in him as well. we are just friends. i never had a sexual interest in him. he does have a wife (that he felt shameful and admitted to me). he is unahppy with his marriage, and i suggest that future divorce would "free" him up more.
anyway, there is another female in the guild, and asian too... oh joy. they have been becoming closer friends and whatnot, she confides a lot to him. i understand people can have their moments with other people if they wish. y'know, spend time with a friend and not hang out with their other friend. you just have to juggle them around and help out who you can at the moment. you can't be there for everyone. i fucking get it. past days where i did get to be online the same time as ... oh fuck i need to give this guy a psuedoname... uh, "kirk", he was exploring and talking on voice chat with the taka girl. the female guildie is nice, and he tells me her issues through whisper what she has been going through. i have no animosity towards her. she and i aren't obviously close cause we don't talk a lot as much. i was on voice chat alone with him, but he had to "kick" me out so she could go on and talk to him about her issues and vent. she had a bad day, fine, if she needs someone to vent out to, it's okay to do it with her friend. i will just go about doing my own thing. another night off, i was anticipating just spending more time talking to him and stuff via chat/playing together or whatever. he was exploring and on chat with the female guildie still.
i casually mentioned that i wish i could get on mumble to chat, but i said i couldn't cause he was talking to taka. he said, "right, cause we're exploring together". and so i just kinda felt a small stab in my stomach- like it was my time to just back off and not bother them and what they are doing.
i felt lonely. i felt like i needed to just talk to someone. i assumed that my real life friends were working or dealing with their own personal stuff, work, sleep etc and having no moment for me at that time of.... 10 pm -1 am in the morning. i felt like the one person who did have time for me to be with, they chose not to spend that time with me.
it was a gut wrenching feeling all over again. it made my stomach hurt and my heart beat erratically. it could have been the two smirnoffs that i drank in attempt to quell my emotions. however, drinking didn't do shit for me and made me feel the same. i haven't had that experience ever since i was around dave. it was the feeling that the person who you wanted to hang out with, talk to, was talking or hanging out with other people besides you and you feel so motherfucking sick to your stomach and ache terribly. what's wrong with me? am i inferior to them? are they better than me and more fun to hang out with? iam i just too much of handful sometimes and annoying? memories came flashing back of the feeling i felt: supreme jealousy, envy and inferiority and anger that you put so much hope and energy into someone and you don't feel acknowledged by them.
i work 5 days a week, 12 hr shifts night time. my social time is limited. it sometimes gets to the point where i feel selfish and needy. i don't have a lot of free time, when i do have the time i wish that people would just be there for me. i envy how they have more free time than me, so i just wish they could set some time aside for me. okay. i get angry. it feels better to blame them. i want to lash out at them. i want to make them feel bad and responsible that they are doing this to me. but i shouldn't. i shouldn't....
the righteous side of me that tries not to anger people or get in their way tells me that i should just back off. back the fuck off. i'll disappear. i'll log off. i'll seclude myself in the silent darkness and just handle it alone - wishing that they will seek me out, see that i am missing and attempt to finally talk to me. it only makes the feeling worse when i make expectations like that. sometimes they won't ever seek me out. i will still be left alone to deal with my demon. and so i spiral slowly into this despair and dazzling darkness. i tell myself this is all my fault. it is just my problem. i am too weak to deal with what is the fact and reality. why should i seek out the person who i felt has wronged me when it is the me who has been wrong all this time.
i did this to myself, i made a choice in this lifestyle of mine - working long and odd hours of the week. i am doing this for the money and for myself. if i were truly unsatisfied and unhappy, i could make an attempt to switch to days, but i can't see myself working hard on days at the moment. with that said, i will just have to sacrifice my social life a looot more. i tell myself this isn't permament. i can handle it. i can deal with this temporarily. the results shall pay off eventually... maybe.
as far as the jealousy goes. i don't know why i feel this way. it's stupid and unnecessarily. he has a wife. we are all just friends. why do i put such an emotional investment into kirk though. part of me wishes i could just be friends more with taka. we wouldn't have anything to hide from each other and could talk more freely. but no, just fucking no, i get the impression that i can't because he has to choose one or the other at times. like, it will just be super fucking awkward if i butt in. it's like i will never get the chance to just be a part of their group or something. i fuck things up. i screw things over with my bluntness, vulgarity and my questions of "why" all the goddamn time.
angstymcangst. it's like he feels embarrassed when i portray myself that way in front of the other guildies or something. so, i am not "allowed" to be more personable with the other guildies around him. i just feel so aggravated with these feelings i feel.
i just wish i could tell him all i am feeling, but why am i not surprised he may not have the time to talk to me. if i did email my novel to him, he would probably reply in like 2 sentences. i don't want to be a burden, a hindrance to him with my overwhelming, convoluted thought processes. it's okay to shove me out of voice chat so he can talk to another person in need, but if i want to talk, i don't feel as welcomed.
and so how should i cope. i shut myself down, curl on the couch in the dark with a soft blanket over me and force myself into deep sleep. i wake up. i feel okay, numb. i feel apathetic. it's another time. you are alive at least and can carry on the day as usual.
i think about the past and how i am not truly alone. i may be alone that night. but in the long run, i still have friends and family i can talk to if i am truly in a pinch. if one person that i need isn't there for me, it is okay for me to seek out other people to talk to. i don't want to be the person that puts too much hope, faith, trust into one individual. if that one individual does not meet my expectations, then it could make my world feel crashing down. i shouldn't let allow myself to feel destroyed by one person. it's just a temporary issue, a scenario - not a permanence. if the issue become recurring, then i don't know what to do.
i am avoidant by nature. i will go wherever the wind follows. will it get to a point where i just want to leave the other person and not seek out their friendship as much? i am not sure. holy fuck i am severely passive aggressive. i didn't know there was a comprehensive list of symptoms involving this .. behavior, but apparently there is one.
moral of the entry: we can't all have nice things. don't put too much of your energy and expectations into a single person. the calm after the storm. what a delicious feeling.
