#eclipse vents

100

FUCKING

Times in the past week. And I don't know how to answer, because one person who asked me is transphobic.

So when someone I know isn't transphobic asks I will say:

"She/Her"

And my heart drops. And I go to my best friend, and tell her I'm trans ❤️

She fucking says:

"Yay!! Good for you, uhm- Hey ____? Is there a specific name you want to go by or do you want to go by ____ still?"

Another person asks my pronouns and I stare at them and then if my best friend is near me, I look at her, nervously. She tells me: "it's okay ____ isn't transphobic or homophobic"

But I have trust issues and I don't want to answer so I get even more nervous than I already am.

Anyway-

Sorry-

Is it normal to not be able to cry when I'm supposed to?

Is it normal not to laugh when I find something funny? Not even let out a slight giggle?

Is it okay to tell someone that it's okay, when it's not?

Is it okay to tell someone that I love them when I don't?

Is it okay to apologize when I did nothing wrong? Even when I take the blame for someone?

So the past couple of days I've either missed or uploaded late on the Egotober prompts and every time I've thought about it I cringed.

Do I know we're not obligated to post every day? Absolutely of course, but I do really love doing Egotober. However, October is always a hard and busy month for me. Everyone jokes about the October canon event thing but it is not a joke for me or my family. We've experienced a lot of loss during this month and so I'm always doing something to honor passed loved ones and it's a lot.

That's often why my stories are about grief or feeling out of place, because that's what I'm experiencing.

When I tell my dad I'm not comfortable in an area, and that I don't like talking to people. Or that I want to be excused, he brushes it off and says:

"Your just over dramatic"

And that's why I'm scared to tell my mom the same thing.

And then she also understands that I have adhd.

My sister gives me fidget toys because she knows they help me focus. My mom just thinks I like playing with toys so she gets me a bunch of random toys.

My parents have given up on trying to get me tested for adhd so when I come to my mom and say that I'm 100% sure i have adhd she says:

"no, you just can't focus because of your stupid friends, toys and drawings."

I'm done with being told that every time I need to be tested so I've stopped telling her that.

I zone out alot and my mom asks if I'm okay.. if I zone out:

I'm in my own little world. Leave me alone.

Now, before anyone asks what this has to do with anything, my sister and I wanted to play one of my new card games tonight since we played cards against humanity last night.

She fucking promised.

But, every time we want to do something together, she invites her boyfriend over, for the day we have the thing planned.

I feel like I'm overreacting but-

This happens every time, and every time her boyfriend is over, and I ask her if we can do what she promised and she always says:

"No, my boyfriend's over tonight, maybe another time"

I sound like a bitch but idc. She pisses me off.